I love my friends. I really do. I have great people around me that have been nothing but supportive. Most of who read this blog so clearly any and all barking will not be done here…after today.
However…
I am really having a hard time with them. Nobody will let me just be sad. I’m fucking sad ok? Just let me be sad! Let me morn. Let me miss him. Let me cry.
I get it. He’s a pig. Yeah yeah. But the more everyone sits around and tells me he’s a dirt bag, the worse I feel. It isn’t helping. In fact, it feels like judgment. It feels like everyone ganging up against me. Like I’m no longer allowed to have my own thoughts or feel my own feelings. Like everyone around me is so afraid that I’m not going to do what it is that they want me to do that they forget that I’m a person that just lost her husband. Let me be a wreck. Let me say I miss him!!
Someone recently told me that 97% of my relationship was a nightmare and that I should just move on. Wow. Do they really think that I stuck around for 3%? I mean common. That’s just insulting. Do I come off as that weak? I can’t even imagine what that would look like. Can you? 3%? That would mean about 5 hours a year with Mark were OK. WTF? I’d really like to think I’m stronger than that thank you.
It wasn’t until 2.5 years ago that things started to go sour with Mark and I. Up until then, our 7.5 years together had been almost perfect. We never fought. We had fantastic sex like rabbits. Mark loved every inch of me – and I him. It was as if there was nobody else on this planet that could make me that happy. We were even kicked out of the preliminary marriage counseling because we were told in the first session that it was “unnecessary” for us. Mark and I were fantastic. We had excellent communication with each other.
So what went wrong? Well that’s a loaded question. A few things: First, our pride and joy, Daisy was killed and it seemed as though our world ripped apart. We had failure after failure at pregnancy. Then, we moved to San Francisco – a decision that I think was probably at the top of our stupid list. Several big changes, and a lot of bad decisions. All in all, life happened.
We used to be a disgustingly adorable couple. We made people jealous of us. Mark isn’t evil and I refuse to believe that he is now. There is a huge difference between evil and illness. He is sick and unwilling to get better. I understand that. I accept it. But Jesus Christ I don’t have to like it.
Let me be sad. I need to be. I need to morn and cry. For god sake let me cry. I need to do this. I need to remember why it is that I married him. Not because I am looking for a reason to get back together with him. I’m not that weak. But the more everyone tells me he’s horrible the more they are judging me. My choices. My decisions. My life.
It’s not what I need. It’s not what I want. I want to cry. I need to cry. And I don’t need to be told what to do. I think I’ve proven already that I make decent choices. Stop making it seem as though I’m incapable of doing so.
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