Please. Let me be sad.

I love my friends.  I really do.  I have great people around me that have been nothing but supportive.  Most of who read this blog so clearly any and all barking will not be done here…after today.


I am really having a hard time with them.  Nobody will let me just be sad.  I’m fucking sad ok?  Just let me be sad!  Let me morn.  Let me miss him.  Let me cry.

I get it.  He’s a pig.  Yeah yeah.  But the more everyone sits around and tells me he’s a dirt bag, the worse I feel.  It isn’t helping.  In fact, it feels like judgment.  It feels like everyone ganging up against me.  Like I’m no longer allowed to have my own thoughts or feel my own feelings.  Like everyone around me is so afraid that I’m not going to do what it is that they want me to do that they forget that I’m a person that just lost her husband.  Let me be a wreck.  Let me say I miss him!!

Someone recently told me that 97% of my relationship was a nightmare and that I should just move on.  Wow.  Do they really think that I stuck around for 3%?  I mean common.  That’s just insulting.  Do I come off as that weak?  I can’t even imagine what that would look like.  Can you?  3%?  That would mean about 5 hours a year  with Mark were OK.  WTF?   I’d really like to think I’m stronger than that thank you.

It wasn’t until 2.5 years ago that things started to go sour with Mark and I.  Up until then, our 7.5 years together had been almost perfect.  We never fought.  We had fantastic sex like rabbits.  Mark loved every inch of me – and I him.  It was as if there was nobody else on this planet that could make me that happy.  We were even kicked out of the preliminary marriage counseling because we were told in the first session that it was “unnecessary” for us.  Mark and I were fantastic.  We had excellent communication with each other.

So what went wrong?  Well that’s a loaded question.  A few things:  First, our pride and joy, Daisy was killed and it seemed as though our world ripped apart.  We had failure after failure at pregnancy.  Then, we moved to San Francisco – a decision that I think was probably at the top of our stupid list.  Several big changes, and a lot of bad decisions.  All in all, life happened.

We used to be a disgustingly adorable couple.  We made people jealous of us.  Mark isn’t evil and I refuse to believe that he is now. There is a huge difference between evil and illness. He is sick and unwilling to get better.   I understand that.  I accept it.  But Jesus Christ I don’t have to like it.

Let me be sad.  I need to be.  I need to morn and cry.  For god sake let me cry.  I need to do this.  I need to remember why it is that I married him.  Not because I am looking for a reason to get back together with him.  I’m not that weak.  But the more everyone tells me he’s horrible the more they are judging me.  My choices.  My decisions.  My life.

It’s not what I need.  It’s not what I want.  I want to cry.  I need to cry.  And I don’t need to be told what to do.  I think I’ve proven already that I make decent choices.  Stop making it seem as though I’m incapable of doing so.


6 Responses to “Please. Let me be sad.”

  1. 1 Rach September 16, 2009 at 3:35 am

    “But the more everyone tells me he’s horrible…..”

    I don’t beieve he is horrible. There may be parts of him that aren’t perfect but so fucking what? I don’t believe anyone is perfect, we all have faults.

    As for people thinking they have the right to tell you how you should be feeling or EVEN thinking that they have that right, sorry but thats bang out of order! People can offer you advice, listen to you and support you in how you choose to feel but its YOUR choice how you feel and NO ONE has any right to judge that.

    Mark was your husband for years, you have happy memories together, forgetting that and turning love into hate no matter what someone has done can be a stretch.

    Take as much or as little time to deal with this transition in your life…..


  2. 2 meg September 16, 2009 at 6:06 am

    NO ONE is perfect. I totally understand why you are sad. You love him and understandably so. You need time to be sad and anybody telling you that you shouldn’t be, is wrong. This has to be very hard on you and I can’t imagine what you are going through. Thinking of you….

  3. 3 Jendeis September 16, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Of course you should be allowed to mourn. I think it’s hard for people to understand addiction and depression and that those things are not the only characteristics that define Mark. He is also a loved one, a husband that was wonderful for many years and hopefully, someone who will become a recovering addict.

    Thinking of you.

  4. 4 Orodemniades September 16, 2009 at 8:23 am

    I grew up with an alcoholic, my mother’s partner, and yes, they are not evil people in and of themselves. And yes, I wish he could have gotten clean before he died. Even through all the anger and sadness, the moments we had together when he wasn’t being an ass were brilliant, and fun.

    I have to go, but I don’t blame you for needing to mourn. There were a lot of good times, too, and you can’t throw that out. You can only wish that it had always been that way.

  5. 5 Michelle September 16, 2009 at 11:03 am

    OF COURSE you need to mourn. You lost the man you loved for so long. I am sure that your friends and family just really do not want to see you in pain and think that by saying those things they are trying to “fix” the situation. I often tell people I do not need you to “fix” it, I just need you to listen. I am so sorry that you have to go through all this! It SUCKS…BIG TIME!! and I can not imagine how bad you must feel! Cry, scream, mourn do whatever you need to do. Come here and vent…we will all be here listening!


  6. 6 b September 17, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Bitch, I done tol’ you I was sorry. I promise that no matter how much I think Mark is a total douche bag, I will not tell you anymore. I will try and listen, but I’ve told you it’s difficult for me to listen and not have an opinion. I will try. Now, don’t publicly spank me on your blog again or i’ll rub your favorite shoes in dog poo.

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