Posts Tagged 'death'

Woah where the fuck have I been?

Wow. It’s been almost 2 years. A lot can happen in 2 years. Lives can change, people can grow, horrible tragedies can happen….

…yeah some of that happened but let’s not get crazy here. It’s really not all that exciting. In fact it’s kinda downright boring.

So last I posted I was moving to Seattle. Yay for me! Holy crap that was a long time ago. Sorry I just can’t get over that. Yeah I moved to Seattle for 10 months and decided that I would be insane to continue living there. Depressed infertile divorcing people should not move to Seattle. There should be a law about it. The sky is a unique shade of grey. Let’s just leave it at that because there is good and bad up there but overall I had a hard time. (And to be fair to the lovely residents of Seattle, I wasn’t in my right mind. Don’t hate me for hating Seattle during a crisis ok? I was getting a divorce after years of infertility. Remember? Yeah.)

Fuck I dont know where to begin here. Nothing is the same. Literally nothing. Will bullets help? Yeah let’s try that:

– moved to seattle
– started hanging out with old grunge rock stars
– hated seattle
– got a call/job offer to move back to Cali
– moved back to Cali and started over
– bought a house for me and the kids (Sandy and Monster)
– stayed in touch with Mark and had INSANE-reality-tv-show-style-drama-that-didn’t-really-effect-me-personally-but-woah-was-fucking-crazy-because-his-life-has-fallen-completely-apart
– got fired from new job (oh there will be a post about this…)
– started working for baby company. Ironic? Umm yes

-lost 57 pounds
– Sandy died
– world ended

…so we caught up now? Yeah I think we may have glossed over a few things but perhaps this list can serve as gigantic chapters haha.

One thing I’d like to point out to the world that really I should keep to myself is that I have been single this entire time. Yup. I’m lame. Total loser right over here. I might regret this post in the morning LOL.

So for now I guess all I can say is that I’m back. Not sure this blog makes sense for my life anymore, but maybe feedback? No. I’m not trying to have a baby anymore. For now. Or ever? God I dont know.

Anyway…I am considering reinventing the babybound blog. It’s not the same and I am certainly many phases backwards from said original goal, but could this be a playground for ridiculous banter about my completely ironic job choice? Maybe? Or maybe you can all laugh at my absolutely ridiculous life of singleton after infertility. That works for me. Thoughts?


O wait. We need to talk about something else.

Today is my Grandpa’s funeral.  Did you all forget about him?  You did right?  Its ok.  Its my fault.  I can’t seem to spread my crapness out evenly.  I’m sorry.  I’ll work on it ok?

I am going to be spending the next 4 days down with my family.  We have the funeral, a memorial, a burial, some sort of party, a church service, probably a circus and I think I heard something about a concert?  I’ve been referring to this extravaganza as funeralpalooza.  I mean really?  4 days?

I plan on being the drunk in the corner the whole time.  Who’s going to stop me?  And if they do?  O well wont they feel pretty foolish when I bark back with tails of my husband leaving me for no reason and divorce.

…I said I’d work on separating out the crap.  Its a process.


At 9:30 tonight my grandfather passed away.  He was not alone.  My Mom was with him and he died peacfully.

I will miss you always, Grandpa.  You are the funny in my bones.  I love you forever.


I’m not pregnant.

OK OK.  For everyone left feeling a bit confused because I told my Grandpa we’ve been planning a baby but didn’t follow that up with “but I seem to kill them accidentally”, no.  I am not pregnant.

I wanted my Grandpa to know that we are actually working on it.  There is more to that story, but I’m keeping that to myself for now.  I may let the world in on all the intimate workings of my vagina, but some things just need to be private ya know?

Don’t worry world, I will make it very clear when I am in fact preggers.  In fact, you’ll all probably sense something is up without even reading my blog just based on the amount of excitement I’ll be spewing.  Maybe a little extra warmth?  Or a bit of ground movement?  You’ll know.  Believe me.  You’ll know.

Update on Grandpa is there is no update.  He’s still kickin.  And by kickin, I mean actually kicking.  He likes to kick his leg up in the air for no reason.  He does it all day.  I like to think he’s kicken the grim reeper in the balls and telling him to come back later.  Maybe he’s just checkin out his awesome skinny legs?

An absolutely perfect goodbye.

I spent the entire weekend with my Grandpa.  I talked with him, rubbed his feet (his feet!!), trimmed his eyebrows, brushed gook off his face, fixed his hair, made him comfortable and most most importantly, I made him laugh.

On Saturday I was there with my mom.  We were the only ones there with him.  My Grandpa is in really good spirits and is still surprisingly alert.  Even though he can’t talk, his face speaks volumes.  He seems to be rather silly actually.  (I get my sense of humor solely from my Grandpa.  Nobody else gets us).  I noticed that his feet and legs were exceptionally dry.  This wasn’t going to work for me so I found some Cherry Blossom hand lotion in my mom’s purse and gave him a foot and leg massage.  He loved it of course – I mean who wouldn’t right? Then I simply had to point out that he now smelled like a girl and he could not stop himself from laughing.  See?  He gets me.

At one point I asked my mom if I could speak to him for a few minutes alone.  She knew why (so did he).  I got really close to his face and started to tell him how much I love him and that he means the world to me.  I will never forget him and will make sure that my children know all about my amazing Grandpa.  Then I said I had a secret that I wanted to make sure he knew.  Something Mark and I have been planning for 4 years.  A baby.  His eyes lit up and his face got excited.  I told him that he couldn’t tell anyone because it was a secret and he smiled and gave me a look that said “well ok, I’ll try, but you know…I can’t make any promises”.  Then we laughed together.

On Sunday the whole family was there.  It was a really crowded room so I was so happy that I took the opportunity to say goodbye on Saturday.  Helps to be good at planning and of course we all know….well, I’m awesome at that.

I tried to talk to him as much as possible and hold his hand.  In his bed he has a teddy bear that I gave him years ago, Willy. It means the world to him (I’ll tell that story later).  In the afternoon in a break in conversation, he grabbed my hand, pulled me down and pointed to my face.  Then pointed to Willy (the bear) and stuck his hand on my chest.  Willy goes to me.  I gave him a huge kiss and said “I’ll take good care of him.”

As we were getting ready to leave, I knew this was it for me.  By the time I see him again he will be in a coma at the very least.  Most likely he will have already passed away.  It got kinda hard to say that last goodbye, and I couldn’t say “I’ll see you later”, but I put both hands on his face, looked him in the eyes, touched nose to nose and said “I love you Grandpa”.  He shook his head yes and I left.

I cannot think of a better way to let someone go.  I really can’t.  It almost seems like a story you read in a book.  Not real.  I have absolutely no regrets and will always know that my Grandpa knew I loved him to the very end.  My very last memories of him will be of him laughing and being a goofy smart ass like his first Granddaughter, Katrinka (That’s me guys.  It was his nickname for me.).

I feel like such a lucky person.  Seriously, how many of you out there still have all 4 grandparents at 34?  And who else gets to do what I just did?  I mean I know I’m the queen of planning, but even I was taken back at my powers here.  I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Someone go get me a lotto ticket, a scale and a pregnancy test…

…in other news:

So I realize that I sound like an emo teenager lately but I assure you, I haven’t started overdoing the black mascara and adding safty pins to my clothes.  Its simply not a good look for me and frankly I’m way too blond and preppy to pull it off.  While I am sad as hell and cry a lot, I’m not suicidal.  I mean please, that just sounds messy and if I’m dead who will clean it up?  I can’t live out eternity knowing I left a mess.

I’d love to be able to write a whole post right now about puppies and kittens and rainbows, but I can’t.   If happy is what you’re looking for, I suggest you just skip this one.

Remember back a million years ago in March when my Grandfather had a stroke?  Yeah I know, I totally stopped talkin about that didn’t I?  Well just to catch you up, he’s been in ICU, regular room, ICU, rehab facility, 2nd rehab facility, and now hospice has stepped in.  He isn’t getting better and has no chance of recovering from this.  While he’s still alive, he’s not living any sort of quality of life.  He can’t talk, walk, sit up, breath on his own, or eat.  Its been 2 months of pretty horrible living in my opinion.

It was decided yesterday that we will be removing his feeding tube today.  Which in case anyone is anorexic and doesn’t realize, means he will die.  He is going to be kept very comfortable and will not suffer at all, but I’m afraid its over for my Grandpa.  We don’t know exactly what will happen or how long, but its soon.  Like, within the week.

This is going to be the first death in my immediate family ever.  All of my Grandparents are still alive.  That has been something that I have felt very honored to have.  I’m pretty close with all 4 of them and always have been.  Even when I wasn’t speaking to my parents, I still made sure to regularly see my Grandparents.  While I absolutely know that this is the right thing to do and that my Grandpa lead a very good life and would want it this way, its hard.  I’m really sad.  I’m going to spend this weekend with him and talk to him as much as I can.  This will be the last time I see him alive.

At least they got to exercise their rights.

Hmm.  How many people do you think die on election day?  Do you think they voted first?  Are there stats on this?  I know I know.  I’m weird.  Let’s get past that.  Don’t you want to know?

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