Plan B

Hmm.  What was I doing last year in June (head lifted, finger tapping chin).  O that’s right.  I was pregnant.  Wha?  Pregnant?  Where the heck is yer kid?  O yeah.  Dead.  Christ!

I was thinking of this a lot yesterday.  Why?  Well it has always been interesting to me how incredibly crazy 1 year can be.  I often ask sad people as they wallow  “where were you last year?…See how different your life is now?  It will be that different next year too.  This too shall pass.”  (Although I leave out the this too shall pass part and word it better because that sounds waaaaay too much like something my father would say and I’m not as condescending as he is) I don’t know if it helps, but its always kinda comforting for me to think of life in this way.  Instead of thinking about how horribly this sadness is going to change my life, it makes me look forward to what is coming and I start to imagine all kinds of awesome things like lottery winnings, babies, crazy diseases that cause massive weight loss but nothing else.

Yesterday a very important man dropped dead.  Just died.  Working.  Not even old.  I have met this man.  He is an incredibly nice man and this news was absolutely shocking to me.  Not just because death is often shocking.  It made me think about my 1 year policy.  Umm, if I asked him what he was doing a year ago, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t dying.  It kinda throws my whole “next year will be that different” theory out the window too.  It wont really.  He’ll still be dead.

I spend a lot of time planning. (What?  This surprises you?  You just meet me today?)  I plan.  I look forward to.  I can’t wait.  I hold out for things until the plan comes into place.  I plan my life around the plan.  In some ways, I live in the future.  Or perhaps I live for the future?  This is kinda sad really.  Everyone’s future will end the exact same way.  The Tim Russert way.  And last I checked, I don’t get to plan that.  (But damn it if I wouldn’t love to plan that shit out.  My death would be awesome, come at the exact right time, be completely painless and obviously extremely clean.)

I have spent at least 50% of my single life and 100% of my married life planning for a family.  Avoiding one, trying for one, waiting for one, begging for one, figuring out how to steel one and get away with it.  Its been my life.  My plan.  What a craptacular plan.  1 year ago I did not have one.  Right now I do not have one.  Time to stop planning for this plan.  Not forever.  But I think I’d like to see what else is out there for this marriage stuff.  Scary thing is I literally have no idea what else there is.  Hahaah.  That’s funny, and sad.  Is there something else?  I have no idea.  But I guess its time to find out.  1 year from now I wont have a family, but there’s a good chance I’ll know the answer to this question.


4 Responses to “Plan B”

  1. 1 b June 14, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    You MIGHT have a baby next year..just not by June. There are 12 months in a year..and the others are equally as lovely. AND, the other months don’t have the sadness of a miscarriage attached to them.

  2. 2 The mother hen June 15, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    hmm, sad but true, you just never know where life will take you a year from now. I am a firm believer in living for today. Yes I plan, but I know ultimately I have no control (oh how I wish that were different) I think discovering what else there is to your spouse and marriage is a great way to pass the time until your baby comes along. It definitely can’t hurt and will most likely be great for you both!

  3. 3 kgirl June 16, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Wait does this mean that you wont be blogging anymore… which means I wont have stuff to read at work… which means I will have to fill that time shopping on-line… which means I will be broke… which means I will probably have to steal to maintain this craptacular lifestyle I have… which means I will probably go to jail… which will clearly mean you are ruinning my life? Just say no and this will all go away… just like the vodka I am slamming at my desk… I wish! (Like how I made that all about me?)

  4. 4 mycowgirlalterego June 17, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    plan b means there is something else, we just to wait for it, work for it, even if waiting sucks.

    hang in there.

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