Archive for the 'waiting sucks' Category

Everything has its place. Including rage and panic.

I must say, it is truly amazing how a simple comment from some horrible bitch stranger in the universe can have such an impact on one’s life.  Both good and bad.  While Jessica’s comment obviously effected an entire community of people in a very harmful way, the amazing responses of support kinda erased any of the damage she did.  At least it did for me.   We may be broken but dammit if you try to fuck with us!  O no you di int.  We are one big troop of bad ass right hea.  I thank you all for your amazing – yet oddly hard core – words of support.  You all rock.  Now ladies, its time to put the guns away.  I think we got our point across.  Let’s just say it one last time and let it go ok?  Jessica Blair, you’re a whore.

On that note, let’s move on to something less awesome shall we?  So Mark is in the hospital now.  O?  Was that too casual an announcement for you Jessica?  Sorry you’re going to have to suck it because its the best I can muster right now (ok now I’m done).  I have spent far too much time in hospitals lately to get all worked up.  My worked up meter is on the fritz.

Mark is going to be ok.  I should start out with that.  He has a very serious infection on his hand that got out of control very quickly and caused him to become septic.  We went to the ER.  They admitted him and have it under control now.  He is improving, but must remain in the hosp until they feel he’s responding to their giant cocktail of meds well enough.  It may be as crazy strong as a straight up shot of tequila, but it aint nearly as fun.

My Grandpa is also still in the hospital but off life support!!  He is having good days and bad days.  He’s a fighter though and still has quite a sense  of humor.  He’s got a very long way to go and its knocking the wind out of everyone’s sails.  Shockingly, everyone in this crazy family is playing well together though which is fantastic.  I expect that timely updates on his condition will be out of the question as they would consist of nothing more than “he’s improving, but not better”.  I know you’re all there and supportive.  And it absolutely comforts me.  Thank you again.  (Not you Jessica.  You can bite me.  OK…last time I promise.)

Mark’s tumor results are also in and there is no tumor!  This is er…good news?  Still means we have no idea what is causing his sterility, which requires more tests,  which requires more waiting, which requires more ugh from BabyBound.  But no tumor is good.  Please stand by.  We’re still working on an answer.

I must say, for being dealt a rather large concoction of poo piled on top of crap piled on top of shit this last couple of weeks, I’m actually not feeling all that terribly stressed out.  One thing at a time really.  I have compartmentalized, prioritized, labeled, and organized everything into silos of panic.  Now that the lists are all made, I haven’t really allotted for “holy-fucking-crap-o-my-god-this-fucking-sucks-I-can’t-do-this-anymore!!” time in the schedule.  Leaving that off the list of things to do each day has made a world of difference.  If I could just get both sickos to be in the same hospital….or even just the same city….

Hold up…

I guess there is a part of me that feels bad for not accomplishing my list yet, but then again, I still have 2 days…I’m sure I could figure out crack baking in that amount of time right?   The rest should just fall into place from there.

Mark and I decided that we are going to hold off for 1 month to start our IVF cycle.  We’ll just continue for another 3 weeks  on bcp’s and wait it out.

There are actually a few logical, rational, well thought out reasons for this that aren’t limited to the fact that I’ve become a complete wackjob about the future (but of course that’s right up there at the top of the list).  Dr. Babymaker had suggested early on that we go through 2 months of bcp’s to help beat my womanly bits into submission.  She said one would be fine, but 2 would be better so as I’m not one to go against authority (stop laughing damn it), we’re going to go with her on this one.

This extra couple of weeks will also take the pressure off of all the tests that needed to be done.  We were cutting it kinda close and leaving no room for error – funny, I never do that (Brandi you just stop that laughing right now.  Stop it!) – now we’ll be able to handle any oddities that come our way.  Well, Mark can handle them.  I’ll just be over here freaking the fuck out.

So there you have it.  Its not a set back.  Its not sad.  Think of it as an extra little helping of BabyBounds insanity juice that we all get to enjoy for an extra month!  Nobody will appreciate it more than my coworkers and housemates that have to live with me get to enjoy it in person.  Perhaps I’ll try to save some of the good stuff for all my friends in the computer to endure.   After all, I’m a giver.  Don’t want to be holding on to all this madness for myself.  Its way more fun to share.

…now I’m off to work on that rock soup recipe for my crack baby.  Will a lighter get hot enough to boil the water without melting the cheese wrapper?

(PS.  Is it weird that Mark and I are texting right now while sitting right next to each other on the couch?  Its not right?  Good.  Talking is so overrated.)

Sitting duck

Still waiting for Flo. WTF man? I had to spend the entire summer with you and now you’re uncharacteristically sheepish? Show yourself woman. Mamma’s getting cranky.

Yo Flo

We tight right?   So what’s with the disappearing act?  Where ya been?  Can I get a shout out?  I thought we were makin progress.

Listen.  I like you.  I want to help you.  I’m a reasonable woman.  I got a couple guys, Tommy Tampon and Peter – Extra wings – Liner, that can make sure nothing happens to you.  But I can’t help you if you don’t play by the rules.  You scratch my back, I scratch yours right?  Help a sister out and I can set you up with extra protection.

You don’t want to make me angry Flo.  I don’t want to hurt you.  Show yourself and everything will work out.  We don’t have time for this little game you like to play.

Show yourself woman!!

Sometimes the answer is right in front of you

Anyone interested in hearing about my awesome new project?  No?  Well that’s ok, I’m going to tell you anyway.

So we all know I’m OCD and addicted to my label maker.  BFD.  But I have been really itching to rendezvous with my labels since we moved into this house and haven’t been able to do so.  Until.  Now.  O p-touch.  My love.  Let’s go away together.

Now that there are no contractors, inspectors, nails, or dirty subs sharing my hallways with me, I’m layin down the law.  Its time for my closets to have an intervention.  I mean common, its been 6 months since I’ve heard the click click of that cutter as ya snap off a freshly printed label.  Ahhhh.  Its like a drug for me.  Don’t judge.

Enter: operation clean closet.

First, let’s start with the guest room.  When we moved into this house, we kinda lived out of the guest room for the first month due to the non existent walls in our room.  Even though it now only holds jackets, Mark’s shoes and my wedding dress, that poor little baby needs some cleanin out.  Yall know I like a clean closet.  Even if the door is closed.

Next, let’s move on to the kitchen.  Since I pretty much freaked out every day when the contractors left their shit all over the house, I figured it was easier to just accept that we were moving in together and give them a drawer.  After ceremoniously wrapping up a drawer and giving it to them as a gift over a candle lit dinner, they loaded it up with all their bras and toothbrushes and we lived happily ever after.  But we recently broke up and they moved out.  Now?  Obviously an entire kitchen rework is in order.

And I’ve saved the best for last.  The hall closet.

Ugh. The hall closet.  My bff contractors ripped out all the lighting when they gutted the adjacent bathroom so its nothing but a big, dark, pit where stuff goes to die.  There’s a huge file cabinet in there that we need to get rid of – Craigslist, please pick up the phone when we call.  There’s no light.  There’s kinda random stuff that should, at the very least, be labeled.  Its a big job and I can’t fucking wait to go head to head with it.

So there ya go.  My new obvious distraction from my desire for another round of IVF project.  Whoot whoot!

Sophie’s choice

So I recently had a convo with a fellow infertile baby killer about infertility and the choices it forces you to make. That lovely little decision us lucky lucky infertiles get to make between fun/cool/awesome things in life or…a baby. We choose to spend every extra cent on the chance to maybe have a baby of our own, or make a conscious decision to “put that on hold” and have a life. You can’t have both. You have to make a choice. And with that choice, it adds an extra level of guilt/selfishness/inner soul searching that just doesn’t exist in that silly old fashioned family planning I’ve heard so much about. No matter what you think, its simply not the same. Choosing IVF means choosing to lose out on something. And not choosing IVF leaves you feeling almost like you’ve consciously told an embryo that they’re just not worth it yet.

When Mark and I decided to buy a home – a home that we knew we’d have to drop several G’s into right away – what we were basically saying was, we’re choosing a nice house over embryo # 186549B. Some might say this was a pretty fucking selfish choice and exile us to the loser table, but I am pretty darn sure the infertiles out there get it. You simply cannot throw ALL your money into a toilet, flush it, and walk away saying “well, that was fun” for long periods of time and be happy with it. Not even a nice toilet.

But now that we’re done putting together the house of our dreams, that conscious decision to take a break from baby making and invest in something that might actually stick around longer than a 28 day cycle had a surprising consequence. Instead of feeling like we were finally spending our fortune on something tangible, it feels a bit more like cooking in our baby, bathing in our baby, and ew, crapping in our baby?

Its really so stupid. I mean I completely know it is. Never satisfied right? I’m suppose to be grateful for what I have and be smarter than that. Know that we did all this for our family. For our baby. We weighed the pros and cons. Knew we needed a break from baby fun. Knew this was the right choice for us. And I still do believe that. But as we sit here waiting, yet again, for the next window in the atmosphere to throw that IVF word around again, I can’t help but sometimes imagine what it would be like if we were still in our old crappy apartment without this awesome house, but breastfeeding. OK maybe not breastfeeding because I mean really, let’s be serious, that doesn’t sound like exactly the best part of being a mom right? Not bad, but best? No way. We all know the best part of being a new mom is the kankels. Duh.

Babies babies everywhere

My Boss is coming back from his paternity leave today (Thank. Fucking. God.). My boss’ boss just started his yesterday. One of my counterparts/coworker/fellow babysitters just announced her good news in the last few days and there are apparently mathematical coordination’s going on in a different office to accommodate all the paternits in the next few months. It looks a little like this.

Me? Well I have nothing to report. Still here. Still not pregnant.  Still trying to work out how to fund a baby.  Its hard math man.  Trying to come up with magic money kinda looks a little something like this.

Wish that equation sex = babies was actually real.  That sounds WAY more fun than math.


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