Archive for the 'I’m strange' Category

OK somebody had to

Do we reeeaaally need a sign on the front door telling us not to bring guns in the building? Ok ok so it might be somewhat helpful at any infertility clinic, but this is just your run of the mill office building!?!

Even better. The icon all the way to the right? No cameras. As. I. Take. Pictures. Of. It.

…and. The. Security. Guy. Steps. Out. Of. The. Way.


Just some good advice.


Since I’ve been job hunting quite a bit recently, I realized that a lot of my “gut instincts” about bad jobs come from one very awesomely horrifying job I had a few years ago.  The owner of this strange company was so completely insane it was shocking he even knew how to read.  Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t remember ever seeing him read?….hmm.  I lasted a total of 6 weeks before I had had enough. And when my time was up, I did something so uncharacteristic of me that I still to this day have a hard time believing I really did it.  In one of 8 thousand meetings with the Mr. Crazy, I got up, walked out and never came back.  In the next few weeks, the rest of my peers followed suit – with the exception of one unlucky sole who is still there to keep us informed of all the madness.

I was recently catching up with my fellow peers in our annual support group and reflecting on the absurdity of this place. We were all discussing Mr. Crazy and his wild antics.  Including some of his more unusual interview techniques.  All of us should have known better, but for some reason, we didn’t. I now realize that it is my duty as a non crazy person to share with you some of the lessons we learned.

  1. If an interview isn’t longer than 10 minutes, umm, run.
  2. When you meet the owner of a company, he should spend time asking you questions.  If his upcoming wedding in the mountains of Kilimanjaro are the main topic of conversation – taking up 9 of the 10 minutes, politely exit to the restroom and run the fuck away.  (Sadly, the wedding was postponed because his dog was sick. “… Do you have any idea how hard it is to reschedule twenty Sherpas?!” )
  3. If at any time during the interview, a tour – given by the owner of the company – of a “wall of pride” with food products displayed that supposedly have the company logo somewhere on them leaves you wondering if you forgot to pay the entrance fee to this museum tour, this is not the right place for you.  Carefully guided tours by a man who speaks as though he has had years of experience as a guide – or game show host – aren’t normal first interview tactics.
  4. If the owner of the company has basically assumed that you’ve taken the job they offered, without actually offering you a job yet, and starts giving you assignments in your 10 minute interview, this means trouble.
  5. If he then calls you at home later that night and asks for you to complete work for him, again without officially offering you a job, get the heck outta dodge.
  6. If he insists that you read this “amazing book” written by “one of the leaders in the industry (of which you’ve never heard of)”, and when you start reading you realize that this book is so absurd and out of date you can’t believe it got published (o wait, it was self published of course), you should probably walk away.  Very quietly.  As to not wake the crazy man.
  7. If the company has a 99% turnover rate, and the few people you meet in that first 10 minute interview look as if they are peering out at you from behind a prison wall, you’re probably better off holding out for the next one.  If they themselves have all been there less than a month and this isn’t a startup, wow.  Go!
  8. If Mr. Crazy actually asks you for your past year’s W-9, to illustrate how much you earned at your last job  (which I’m pretty sure is illegal) then run.
  9. If you happen to meet Mr. Crazy’s right arm – a 4 pound raisin hopped up on an enormous amount of Starbucks who doesn’t believe in sleep, global warming or the earth being round, yeah really get away from that.
  10. If you are still not convinced that this man is nuts and you take the job, on your first day, at no point should the the words “I’ve decided that everyone needs to be here by 8am at the latest” be uttered.  Probably ok for some industries surely.  But mine?  Nobody is even awake at 8.  Nobody.
  11. If there is a “wish wall” in the kitchen that has a completely unrealistic wish by each of the inmates employees to be completed by Mr. Crazy when the site launches, you should really just laugh.  I mean cruises, plastic surgeries, bringing Grandma back from the dead?  Really Mr. C?  Really?!?!
  12. And finally, if you make the horrid mistake of telling this man that you are trying to have a baby and need to work from home for a bit because you are doing IVF, stuff cotton in your ears, take drugs, get loaded, whatever you have to do to avoid the spewing of gross baby advice involving sex on plains, keeping your legs up, his first wife’s miracle pregnancy because of some rare oat found in somewhere far, and his complete ignorance of all things normal and private.

There.  You’ve been warned.

Mommy what’s a period?

I got an interesting text today.  It was from my friend asking me to help her figure out how to tell her almost 7 year old daughter what a period is.  I believe her exact words were:  “what do you think is the best way to explain a period to a 6 year old (almost 7)?  I’m Racking my brain.”

Que 14.8 minutes of pure, barrel roll laughter.

Me???  You want me to help you with this?  Am I really the best source of information for something like this?

Well?  She asked for it.  To the classroom!

What the fuck is that red stuff: 101

Good afternoon class.  I hope you all enjoyed your little break from sexual education.  Have you all had a chance to practice the baby making?  I certainly hope so.  Anyone preggers?  No?  O well, rinse and repeat girls!  Rinse.  And.  Repeat!

Today’s class is a lesson on how to tell your pre-pubescent daughters why mommy is hemorageing out of her vagarnicle.  A scary prospect at best.  While this may seem like an awkward topic of conversation that is best saved for never when she’s a bit older, you know your little ones are wondering.  I mean who hasn’t had to change a tampon with their young daughter sharing a stall with you at the airport because its just the two of you and you certainly aren’t letting her hang out in an international convention of germs.  Am I right ladies?  Well…ok you caught me.  Me.  I have not had to do that.  I don’t have a little girl.  You happy now?!?

…wait.  What just happened?  Crap let’s just keep going.

What is a period?  A period is just God’s little way of saying fuck you 12 times a year.  (If you’re lucky enough to have a regular cycle which I am still not convinced is real.  Most of us just get to enjoy a few extremely long and tourchurous fuck you’s that kinda all blend together into pretty much the entire year altogether.)

You see, when you become a teenager, and you’re lucky enough to get to go to camp with boys or be in a dance recital, you’ll get blessed with what will be the first of many many years of periods.  If you happen to be wearing white jeans at the time, it just means you are an extra lucky little girl.  God hates you the most.

So how does a period work you ask?  Well.  Believe it or not, all us chicks have a ton o eggs in our bodies that are just waiting to be grown by drugs and then extracted surgically by doctors to make babies.  It’s true!  These aren’t like chicken eggs.  They’re more like fish eggs – although I certainly don’t suggest topping your amuse bouche with them.  These eggs are for baby makin.  Something you can learn more about here.

Just because it makes absolutely no sense at all, you’ll start releasing these eggs when you’re about 12 or 13.  Nowhere near ready to have a baby.  But I guess that’s just so we can get a ton of practice feeling like crap, not fitting into anything you own and driving everyone around us crazy.  I still haven’t quite figured out why any of us need practice at that but hey, who am I to argue with God right?  Because you still have a few decades years on you before you even start to think about children practice eggs are just gonna wash right out of your body.  No biggie.  You wont even feel it.

Here’s where it gets a lil interesting though.  When that egg comes out, it brings some of your blood with it like a nice looooooong trail of excited celebrity followers.  (Now you see why the white jeans are so important?) The blood comes out slowly, not like when you pee.  It will keep draining out anywhere from 3 to 45 days.  Nice.  And slow.  Just keep coming.  For what seems like forever.  You will hide from your friends.  You might even lose a boyfriend or two.  You will snap at your parents and get grounded.  That’s not the point.  The point is, you will just keep bleeding.  Forever.  For the egg.

And then you’re done!  You get to take a lil break and go through it all over again in a month or two or six.  Never forgetting how “awesome” it is to be a girl.

Since you are only 6 little lady, we’ll just leave it at that.  Do you have any questions?

….As your daughter gets little bit older we’ll go into cramps, o fuck I missed one! situations, and completely fucking crazy bitch moods.  But for now, let’s just stick to these basics.

I need a moment.

Ever have one of those moments when you’re reorganizing your life and you find out that The Container Store discontinued your color? Oh and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, your bff laughs her ass off when you tell her because she’s dead inside (I think she peed a little bit).

I am, in fact, living this dream.

You all know me right? I label. My life has order and symetry. I can’t deal with this color disaster. It’s far too great an investment to switch to a new one. And mixing!?! Ugh

I’m still looking for a solution – sans laughing bff who I’m probably gonna give the silent treatment for at least 3.58 days – and until I find one, I’m gonna be mopey and sad like a 3 year old who doesn’t get to use her crayons on her bedroom walls. This is worse than being laid off.

Container Store? Why you dissin your best customer? Why why why!!

*To be fair, being laid off wasn’t really that bad at all. In fact, it kinda rocks. Well…it did until my life fell apart at The Container Store.

Sometimes nature is funny

How to make a baby

I recently saw an article about a site that will pay you to write a “how to” on just about anything. Anything?  Really?!?  Here goes!

Good morning class. Today’s lesson will begin on page 127 of your baby makin manuals where we get into the more detailed steps of life creation. We are going to skip the first 3 chapters that talk about sex, condoms, drunkin one-night-stands and “happy mistakes”. This class has no need for such behavior. In fact, its frowned upon to even engage in any of it if you’d like to change diapers any time in the near future.

Alright let’s get started. Getting pregnant is easy if you follow these 8 simple steps:

Give up sex: Sex is going to slow everything down and should be limited to never. You’re going to want your husband to store up butt loads of the good stuff and get a little “frustrated” shall we say. Besides, everyone knows that sex doesn’t make a baby anyway so its simply a waste of time.

Invite in a third party: I know what you’re thinkin, your mother told you that babies come from a “big hug between a man and a woman that love each other very much” and never once mentioned an audience!! Well. Your mom was wrong. If you really want to make a baby, you’re going to need to invite several other participants into your bedroom. In fact, it will just be easier to take this whole process on the road and out of the bedroom. You’ll need at least 2 doctors, 3 nurses, an anastesiologist, 2 pharmacists, 1 random therapist, and a surgical staff. If you are feeling like an exobisionist, add in an acupuncturist. It’s not necissary to feed them although it certainly couldn’t hurt.

Spend all of your money: Baby makin isn’t for the timid my friends. If you want to get to the good stuff, you’re going to have to make some serious sacrifices. All these new bff’s that you’re going to be hangin out with every other day for the next 45 to 65 days are gonna want to get paid and unfortunately, they went to really expensive schools and drive really expensive cars to their really expensive houses. If you want to keep up with them, you’re going to have to keep them happy in their lifestyle. Even at the expense of your own.

Invest in drug paraphernalia: Its true! While sex only takes a man and a woman – naked, Baby making requires drugs. And lots of them. This is the one time in your life where using needles and pills is going to be considered responsible. As long as you don’t get them from the alley behind Safeway. No need my little learning machines. Your new entourague will hand them out like candy. But I guess on the off chance you run out, those back alley needles are the same. O! And those alleys are a great place shoot up in a pinch. You know, like on the way to a dinner or a movie where you can’t do it. Don’t dismiss all those lovely spots that your fellow drug addicts have already scoped out. There’s a reason they work.

Take a vacation from your social life: Everyone could use a little break from their friends right? No? O well you’re going to have to just accept it. Baby creation has rules. Rules like no drinking, timed drugs, no sex and no sushi nights out with the girls. Plus, your new entourage is extremely needy. They want to hang out with you ALL the time. And they wont take no for an answer so sorry folks, your friends are just gonna have to be cool with it.

Go crazy: See, here’s where its going to be just fine to vaca from your pals for a bit. All those awesome drugs and doc visits may cause you to get a little loopy. Otherwise known as, get crazy as a fucking loon. You’re going to be as unpredictable as the weather and even your pets will fear you. But stick with it kids, because its this insanity that preheats the baby oven so that your entourage can put one in there to bake for the next 9 months. We all know how important preheating is right?

Spend some time in a hospital: When that preheat timer goes off, its time for the party! Doc baby maker might want to have this party in a hospital, in his office or in an outpatient facility. Don’t worry. He’ll send out invitations so you wont be left out. In fact, you’re going to be the guest of honor. But here’s the cool part, the dad? Well he wont be there at all. See…I told you your mom was wrong. Have you heard me mention a hug even once in this lesson? He will probably be at work or golfing or something. Hopefully he’ll be there to pick you up at the end of the party though. You will be in no shape to drive after this one. Think of this party like a rave. Its gonna go on for a couple of days and at the end, a baby will be cookin. See? That was easy right?

Rinse and repeat: How many men did you go through before you found the perfect Dad for your baby? Lots right? Well your baby oven may have to go on a few auditions before it gets the role. You may have to repeat this whole process a few times. Don’t worry, your new entourage would love to stick around for as long as you can afford them need them. When money becomes an issue, they’ll totally offer up all kinds of payment plans, loans, and medical studies to help you out. They are there for you. Going into insurmountable debt doesn’t matter to them. They want you to have a baby too!! Try again and again. It will work eventually.

And there you have it! A quick and easy process right? It may not be as fun as that mythical condom breaking, but the end result is just as awesome.

This has nothing to do with anything

As we all know, I have awesome hair.  Well, as strange as it may sound, I was actually asked to write up a step by step instructional piece on how I dry my hair today.  I know right?  That’s crazy.  I mean just cause I have the world’s best hair and can wear it either curly or straight doesn’t mean I actually have any authority to instruct others on how to replicate such perfection.  Right?

Well.  I did it anyway.


Drying horribly thick and curly hair to perfection in 8 easy steps:

Step one;
Throw your head forward, sit on the edge of the shower (or toilet) and dry all your hair for like 2 or 3 minutes.  This is my way of warming up to the idea of the daunting task ahead AND a way to get my hair to be a bit fuller.

Step two:
Segment the hair – divide up the front half of your hair as you would if you were going to wear it ¾ up and clip it forward.  Its ok if you look retarded, this is temporary.

Step three:
Start with the back.  Use a very large roll brush to portion off sections.  Focus all the heat onto whatever section you are brushing.  Make sure to touch the dryer to it (with the extension piece only!  Don’t catch your hair on fire because there is no step for that here).  Try to follow the brush with the dryer like they do in the salon.  With half your hair on top of your head, it’s not as scary. Repeat on the other side.

Note: I find it easier to start with the bulk of the hair first and then go back and do the roots when the hair is dry.  It gets less tangled.

Step four:
Drop the top half and divide in the middle with your fingers.

Step 5:
Using the roll brush, start on one side in the front.  Roll the brush under your hair and pull up towards the dryer. (Pay attention the next time you’re at the salon and watch how they do it).   Continue doing this until all the hair on one side of your face is dry.  Then, switch to the other side.

Step 6:
Now, almost your whole head should be dry except the crown.  Its easier to grab onto the hair using the roll brush and flip it forward.  Then get that hairdryer underneath it and follow it forward like you did the hair around your face.

Step 7:
You are almost done.  (I know, but I said it was daunting)  Flip all your hair to one side.  You’ll notice that all the stuff underneath and in front is nice but the stuff in the back is kinda blgh.  Take the roll brush and run it vertically down the side of your head then twist it.  Now you can curl that under like the rest.  Do this everywhere.

Step 8:
Use a tiny amount of laminents drops, dirt (or even hand lotion!) mixed up in your hands and separate out the ends.  You’re done!  See that wasn’t so hard was it?  Now go lay down.  You just got a workout.

That’s sad isn’t it.

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