Posts Tagged 'sadness'

Woah where the fuck have I been?

Wow. It’s been almost 2 years. A lot can happen in 2 years. Lives can change, people can grow, horrible tragedies can happen….

…yeah some of that happened but let’s not get crazy here. It’s really not all that exciting. In fact it’s kinda downright boring.

So last I posted I was moving to Seattle. Yay for me! Holy crap that was a long time ago. Sorry I just can’t get over that. Yeah I moved to Seattle for 10 months and decided that I would be insane to continue living there. Depressed infertile divorcing people should not move to Seattle. There should be a law about it. The sky is a unique shade of grey. Let’s just leave it at that because there is good and bad up there but overall I had a hard time. (And to be fair to the lovely residents of Seattle, I wasn’t in my right mind. Don’t hate me for hating Seattle during a crisis ok? I was getting a divorce after years of infertility. Remember? Yeah.)

Fuck I dont know where to begin here. Nothing is the same. Literally nothing. Will bullets help? Yeah let’s try that:

– moved to seattle
– started hanging out with old grunge rock stars
– hated seattle
– got a call/job offer to move back to Cali
– moved back to Cali and started over
– bought a house for me and the kids (Sandy and Monster)
– stayed in touch with Mark and had INSANE-reality-tv-show-style-drama-that-didn’t-really-effect-me-personally-but-woah-was-fucking-crazy-because-his-life-has-fallen-completely-apart
– got fired from new job (oh there will be a post about this…)
– started working for baby company. Ironic? Umm yes

-lost 57 pounds
– Sandy died
– world ended

…so we caught up now? Yeah I think we may have glossed over a few things but perhaps this list can serve as gigantic chapters haha.

One thing I’d like to point out to the world that really I should keep to myself is that I have been single this entire time. Yup. I’m lame. Total loser right over here. I might regret this post in the morning LOL.

So for now I guess all I can say is that I’m back. Not sure this blog makes sense for my life anymore, but maybe feedback? No. I’m not trying to have a baby anymore. For now. Or ever? God I dont know.

Anyway…I am considering reinventing the babybound blog. It’s not the same and I am certainly many phases backwards from said original goal, but could this be a playground for ridiculous banter about my completely ironic job choice? Maybe? Or maybe you can all laugh at my absolutely ridiculous life of singleton after infertility. That works for me. Thoughts?

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O yeah, I write a blog.

Where do I start?  Everything is different.  Like so different that I am pretty sure I’m thin and awesome now.

Hmm…First off, I got a job.  I know right?  Awesome.

Well yes but its in Seattle.  Which means I am moving to the rainy state.  Isn’t that exactly where someone going through a massive depression should live?  Just keep the flannel and heroine away and I should be fine.  It’s not really all that different from San Francisco.  We don’t see the sun for weeks around here.

I’m also selling my house.  Thankfully there are some decent advantages to being OCD about labels and cleanliness when it comes to preparing for this.  I basically had to move a chair and call it a day.  Phew.  But That didn’t stop me from going insane trying to make everything perfect perfect.  I’ve been runnin around like a Mexican jumping bean cleaning, organizing, paring down, staging, and most importantly, boxing up all Mark’s shit and throwing it down the stairs.

O speaking of Mark, yeah he’s back in San Francisco.  Not here at the house, but here.  He’s chosen to take up residency in the area of SF we all lovingly refer to as the Tenderloin (aka, were you go to score your drugs).  We are being civil, but not talking.  Just dealing with the divorce and the house sale as if we are coworkers.  At this point, that’s about all I can handle.  He’s still lying, using, and self destructing and its killing me to watch it.

I am thinkin about getting a new blog.  This one seems a bit umm…shall we say…irrelevant?  Stay tuned.

So that’s me.  Thank you to everyone who’s checked in with me.  I miss you all too.  I’m just not the same person right now.  I’m some facsimile of BabyBound.  See?  I’m not even clever.  I hope to God that Mark didn’t get that in the divorce.  Cause that’s totally my thing not his.  He can have my bad spelling, emotional wreckness and inability to sleep well, but he can’t. have. my. whit.  (anyone else think my face should be half painted blue when they read that?  I did…)

Please. Let me be sad.

I love my friends.  I really do.  I have great people around me that have been nothing but supportive.  Most of who read this blog so clearly any and all barking will not be done here…after today.

However…

I am really having a hard time with them.  Nobody will let me just be sad.  I’m fucking sad ok?  Just let me be sad!  Let me morn.  Let me miss him.  Let me cry.

I get it.  He’s a pig.  Yeah yeah.  But the more everyone sits around and tells me he’s a dirt bag, the worse I feel.  It isn’t helping.  In fact, it feels like judgment.  It feels like everyone ganging up against me.  Like I’m no longer allowed to have my own thoughts or feel my own feelings.  Like everyone around me is so afraid that I’m not going to do what it is that they want me to do that they forget that I’m a person that just lost her husband.  Let me be a wreck.  Let me say I miss him!!

Someone recently told me that 97% of my relationship was a nightmare and that I should just move on.  Wow.  Do they really think that I stuck around for 3%?  I mean common.  That’s just insulting.  Do I come off as that weak?  I can’t even imagine what that would look like.  Can you?  3%?  That would mean about 5 hours a year  with Mark were OK.  WTF?   I’d really like to think I’m stronger than that thank you.

It wasn’t until 2.5 years ago that things started to go sour with Mark and I.  Up until then, our 7.5 years together had been almost perfect.  We never fought.  We had fantastic sex like rabbits.  Mark loved every inch of me – and I him.  It was as if there was nobody else on this planet that could make me that happy.  We were even kicked out of the preliminary marriage counseling because we were told in the first session that it was “unnecessary” for us.  Mark and I were fantastic.  We had excellent communication with each other.

So what went wrong?  Well that’s a loaded question.  A few things:  First, our pride and joy, Daisy was killed and it seemed as though our world ripped apart.  We had failure after failure at pregnancy.  Then, we moved to San Francisco – a decision that I think was probably at the top of our stupid list.  Several big changes, and a lot of bad decisions.  All in all, life happened.

We used to be a disgustingly adorable couple.  We made people jealous of us.  Mark isn’t evil and I refuse to believe that he is now. There is a huge difference between evil and illness. He is sick and unwilling to get better.   I understand that.  I accept it.  But Jesus Christ I don’t have to like it.

Let me be sad.  I need to be.  I need to morn and cry.  For god sake let me cry.  I need to do this.  I need to remember why it is that I married him.  Not because I am looking for a reason to get back together with him.  I’m not that weak.  But the more everyone tells me he’s horrible the more they are judging me.  My choices.  My decisions.  My life.

It’s not what I need.  It’s not what I want.  I want to cry.  I need to cry.  And I don’t need to be told what to do.  I think I’ve proven already that I make decent choices.  Stop making it seem as though I’m incapable of doing so.

Let’s take inventory shall we?

I’m all over the place.  Relieved, sad, devastated, bored, scared, petrified, lonely, fat, tired, exhausted, sick of talking, bloated, hungry, sick, nervous, alone.

But not happy.  The one thing I am not is happy.  This may have been the right thing to do.  It was.  But nothing about it represents joy.

Bookends

Life is strange.  Everything happens for a reason of course, but sometimes things happen that just make you wonder: what the fuck is going to happen next?

This was an extremely challenging week.  More of a shitstorm of sorts.  One of those weeks that make you have to look reeeeaaaally deep inside yourself to find the funny.  I can’t lie, I kinda flipped the fuck out.  For the first time in a really long time, I was physically unable to cope and almost needed loads of drugs, hospitalization sedation.  But while this may have seemed like the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, after sleeping on it, I realized its not.  But even more personal reflection revealed that we been through this exact same shitstorm before.

Let me explain.  Bring on the bullets…

The year 2000 went a little something like this:

  • Mark and I began the year as a fairly new couple.
  • Mark was laid off from his job in Feb.
  • I was wrongfully let go from my job in March…which lead to a big lawsuit and months of hell (I won, but many bridges were burned…Make that exploded.)
  • The internet was falling apart so both of us were really struggling to find jobs.  Took 9 months.
  • Nov. we broke up.  Life was too hard.  We were both stressed, broke and unhappy.
  • In Dec. my Grandpa got very sick and spent Christmas in the hospital after an extremely difficult open heart surgery.
  • Also in Dec., my family seemed to be falling apart.  Lots of fighting, people not speaking to each other, my sister was estranged.
  • Life seemed over.  So much disappointment.  So much sadness.  So much loss.

Fast forward to 2009:

  • I started off the year in therapy with my family after a year and a half of estrangement.
  • In late Feb, my Grandfather had a major stroke.  Several weeks later, he passed away.
  • In March, the economy sunk to an all time low and unemployment started to soar.
  • Mark and I came this |<->| close to divorcing and spent a few months separated.
  • In June, I was laid off from my job.
  • This last week started out with my Grandma having a stroke and spending the entire week in the hosp.
  • Mark was wrongfully let go from his job (we’ve talked to an attorney, however we learned from last time.  We’re not going down that road again)
  • Just to make it interesting, our bank accounts were somehow hacked and almost all of our savings were completely drained.  Our accounts are now frozen and we have zero access to any of our money until the bank figures it out.

Anyone noticing a pattern here?  Like.  The same exact thing happening in reverse?  Are you as creeped out as I am?

Yesterday I spent most of the day completely incapacitated and unable to make a good decision.  It seemed as though my life was completely falling apart.  Mark and I have no jobs, no money (at the moment), and people in my family are dying.  How could this possibly end well?  But when I woke up this morning, I realized something important.  We came out of 2000 completely on top.  We made it.  In fact, we came out stronger, better, and happier. We both got great jobs, we got back together, we fell in love harder than ever before, and we eventually got married.

Things are tough right now, but not over.  And for some very strange reason, I take comfort in kind of knowing what will happen next based on history repeating itself – in reverse.  1999 was an awesome year.  I was so happy.  Had a great job.  Made lots of money.  Met the man of my dreams.  Was thin.  Lived a super glamorous life.  O and I was thin.  Did I mention that?  I can only imagine that 2010 has to be similar right?  Rather than focus on the unbelievable hand that we have been dealt this year, I am finding myself getting really excited about the future.  The awesome job I should be getting soon.  The happiness I will be experiencing with my husband.  Perhaps even a baby?

Anyway, there are always two ways to look at things:  the “holy fuck everything sucks” way and the “what can I learn from this” way.  I chose learning.  And because of this, I’m not letting the storm take me.

…and of course I get to be thin again right?

O wait. We need to talk about something else.

Today is my Grandpa’s funeral.  Did you all forget about him?  You did right?  Its ok.  Its my fault.  I can’t seem to spread my crapness out evenly.  I’m sorry.  I’ll work on it ok?

I am going to be spending the next 4 days down with my family.  We have the funeral, a memorial, a burial, some sort of party, a church service, probably a circus and I think I heard something about a concert?  I’ve been referring to this extravaganza as funeralpalooza.  I mean really?  4 days?

I plan on being the drunk in the corner the whole time.  Who’s going to stop me?  And if they do?  O well wont they feel pretty foolish when I bark back with tails of my husband leaving me for no reason and divorce.

…I said I’d work on separating out the crap.  Its a process.

…A little help over here

Today has been a moment of weakness.  I’ve been wavering all day.  Sad.  Crying.  Pathetic.  Questioning.

Today I have felt as if this whole divorce is a mistake.  Which I logically know is not the case.  I logically know Mark isn’t capable of being a decent husband and has really turned out to be a loser who can’t love anyone.  Logically I know that this is just going to suck for a while until we are no longer living under the same roof but will get better when its all over.  Logically.

Emotionally, I’m broken.  Emotionally I feel as though we have already been through so much and we’ve concured all of it.  We’ve been strong and fantastic through so many of life’s most impossible moments and we’ve never stopped loving each other.  Emotionally, I love him and just want my Marky back.  Emotionally.

I’m a disaster yes.  I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel confident.  And most importantly, I have no chocolate.


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