Posts Tagged 'funny'

What what?

This just made me laugh out loud.
http://blog.bridgetteraes.com/2011/09/15/clitter-even-this-isnt-real-its-still-omg-horrible/

I mean who DOESN’T want a sparkle baby right?!??!?

You’re welcome.

Just some good advice.

So…

Since I’ve been job hunting quite a bit recently, I realized that a lot of my “gut instincts” about bad jobs come from one very awesomely horrifying job I had a few years ago.  The owner of this strange company was so completely insane it was shocking he even knew how to read.  Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t remember ever seeing him read?….hmm.  I lasted a total of 6 weeks before I had had enough. And when my time was up, I did something so uncharacteristic of me that I still to this day have a hard time believing I really did it.  In one of 8 thousand meetings with the Mr. Crazy, I got up, walked out and never came back.  In the next few weeks, the rest of my peers followed suit – with the exception of one unlucky sole who is still there to keep us informed of all the madness.

I was recently catching up with my fellow peers in our annual support group and reflecting on the absurdity of this place. We were all discussing Mr. Crazy and his wild antics.  Including some of his more unusual interview techniques.  All of us should have known better, but for some reason, we didn’t. I now realize that it is my duty as a non crazy person to share with you some of the lessons we learned.

  1. If an interview isn’t longer than 10 minutes, umm, run.
  2. When you meet the owner of a company, he should spend time asking you questions.  If his upcoming wedding in the mountains of Kilimanjaro are the main topic of conversation – taking up 9 of the 10 minutes, politely exit to the restroom and run the fuck away.  (Sadly, the wedding was postponed because his dog was sick. “… Do you have any idea how hard it is to reschedule twenty Sherpas?!” )
  3. If at any time during the interview, a tour – given by the owner of the company – of a “wall of pride” with food products displayed that supposedly have the company logo somewhere on them leaves you wondering if you forgot to pay the entrance fee to this museum tour, this is not the right place for you.  Carefully guided tours by a man who speaks as though he has had years of experience as a guide – or game show host – aren’t normal first interview tactics.
  4. If the owner of the company has basically assumed that you’ve taken the job they offered, without actually offering you a job yet, and starts giving you assignments in your 10 minute interview, this means trouble.
  5. If he then calls you at home later that night and asks for you to complete work for him, again without officially offering you a job, get the heck outta dodge.
  6. If he insists that you read this “amazing book” written by “one of the leaders in the industry (of which you’ve never heard of)”, and when you start reading you realize that this book is so absurd and out of date you can’t believe it got published (o wait, it was self published of course), you should probably walk away.  Very quietly.  As to not wake the crazy man.
  7. If the company has a 99% turnover rate, and the few people you meet in that first 10 minute interview look as if they are peering out at you from behind a prison wall, you’re probably better off holding out for the next one.  If they themselves have all been there less than a month and this isn’t a startup, wow.  Go!
  8. If Mr. Crazy actually asks you for your past year’s W-9, to illustrate how much you earned at your last job  (which I’m pretty sure is illegal) then run.
  9. If you happen to meet Mr. Crazy’s right arm – a 4 pound raisin hopped up on an enormous amount of Starbucks who doesn’t believe in sleep, global warming or the earth being round, yeah really get away from that.
  10. If you are still not convinced that this man is nuts and you take the job, on your first day, at no point should the the words “I’ve decided that everyone needs to be here by 8am at the latest” be uttered.  Probably ok for some industries surely.  But mine?  Nobody is even awake at 8.  Nobody.
  11. If there is a “wish wall” in the kitchen that has a completely unrealistic wish by each of the inmates employees to be completed by Mr. Crazy when the site launches, you should really just laugh.  I mean cruises, plastic surgeries, bringing Grandma back from the dead?  Really Mr. C?  Really?!?!
  12. And finally, if you make the horrid mistake of telling this man that you are trying to have a baby and need to work from home for a bit because you are doing IVF, stuff cotton in your ears, take drugs, get loaded, whatever you have to do to avoid the spewing of gross baby advice involving sex on plains, keeping your legs up, his first wife’s miracle pregnancy because of some rare oat found in somewhere far, and his complete ignorance of all things normal and private.

There.  You’ve been warned.

Hello world. O how I’ve missed you so.

O so much to say so much to say.  I fear this post could be disgustingly long so rather than hurt myself typing it out, I’m going to resort to bullets.  Bullets are the new black.

  • Grandpa is out of ICU, moved to a rehab facility and doing better.
  • Mom still thinks this is the end.
  • Nobody else thinks this is the end.
  • Therapy with my sister took a turn last week.  A good turn?  Not sure yet but I hope so.
  • Mark’s hand has a scar the size of a moderate cat scratch and I’m sad about it.  Can’t tell a war story without a war scar.  Boo!
  • Mark’s family is visiting us for a week.
  • Mark’s crazy family is visiting us for a week.
  • Mark’s fucking insane crazy family that I can’t stand is visiting us for a week.
  • Mark’s family leaves tomorrow.
  • BabyBound needs a drink.
  • BabyBound gave up alcohol for lent.
  • BabyBound is an idiot.
  • Mark and BabyBound planned a lil vacation to Hawaii for June.  (Yay for us!)
  • Need to lose weight so that the whales don’t try to jump me when I get there.
  • Also need to figure out a way to make my skin and t-shirt contrast that doesn’t involve: sun, blisters, beds with lights or a bathing suit.
  • Why would I give up alcohol at a time like this?  I really am an idiot.
  • Mark and I are going to start walking Sandy every night now that its light out.
  • Mark’s family leaves tomorrow.
  • Breath….

Welcome to San Francisco. Please follow me to the CT scan room…

Today is the day that marks the 2nd aniversary of our move to San Francisco.  It was on this day 2 years ago that we packed up the car, drove up here, moved into corporate housing and said wtf have we just done?

After our moment of panic, we walked across the big scary San Francisco street to the big scary San Francisco market and got ourselves some groceries.  Let me tell you, that Safeway market may have looked unassuming and oddly identical to every market in LA, but it was all new to us.  We were foreign and didn’t know the language.  (Is it ok to ask for plastic or is that bad here?  Do people not buy a whole lot at one time or is that considered stupid?  What are the rules!!!)

I remember it so well.  We bought a chicken. (those already made ones), some salad fixings and some frozen vegetables.  We were going to have a lovely meal in our new corporate-housing-for-30-days apartment.  It only took me one and a half hours in this new place to spill an entire bottle of salad dressing down the front of my shirt.  A vinaigrette.  With oil.  That stuff don’t wash out.  Crap.

While I was busy ruining my wordrobe so that I could explain my need for a new big city one easier, Mark was having some sort of reaction to the move and was unable to speak?, couldn’t see? which caused freaking out!  Awesome.  Our first day.  This place is terrifying.

It turned out to be nothing, but we got to spend the rest of our very first night in the big scary new city in the emergency room.  On St. Patrick’s Day.  Funny.  I’m surprised I’ve never blogged about that night before.  So much material….

Anywho…

Happy 2 year anniversary to me.  The city isn’t scary at all anymore.  In fact, its downright small.  We love it here.  (But could use less time in the ER and that would suite my taste just fine.)

And plastic bags are illegal here.  Its all paper.  So easy.

How to design an apartment in 5 easy steps:

  1. Make sure you prep for the day by drinking several martinis the night before so that you are well on your way to a hangover for the day of fun at hand.  After you are good and sauced, go check out the new apartment.  Hopefully this will be your first time seeing it.  Its very important to take measurements before you head to the store so get out those feet and walk it out.  (Don’t write it down.  Your awesomely impaired memory is completely fine for this)
  2. Agree on an early start.  Always important when you have a big day planned.  Then chack back and make sure you have successfully accomplished step 1 and roll out of bed only when the phone rings asking where you are.
  3. Go to Ikea.  The world’s most horribly amazing place.  An entire apartment fits on 1 flatbed cart.  I know right?  Crazy!
    1. (Side note:  Coffee will seem like a good idea, but isn’t really going to do shit for you.  If you feel like fainting, keep it to yourself.  This isn’t about you, silly.  Eye on the prize people.  You are decorating an apartment!!!)
  4. About the time you are in line to purchase said entire apartment, you will mostly feel a rush of energy that causes you to say things like “Let’s go to Target now”  and “We still need to get a lot of stuff today so we should keep going”.  You need to be careful here.  This is not real.  You need to stay focused.  Get some food in yourself – preferably something greasy – and head home.  You still have 2 flights of stairs to go up to get stuff IN this place.  (You should be feelin pretty normal about the time you get to the apartment.  And that odd twinge you have in your back?  Ignore it.  Just bringin you down man.)
  5. Just for shiggles, check out the apartment again.  Then make a foot doctor appointment.  You obviously need to have your over-night-growing-feet-measurers checked out.

And there you have it.  A whole new apartment of stuff.  That you helped pick out, Ikea delivered, someone else put together, and all the while you take credit.  Isn’t decorating hard work?

O and just because it couldn’t go without sharing, check out these bowls for sale at Ikea.

boobbowls

I mean are they kidding me with this?  I know they’re all differnt over there in Europeland but seriously??

Awesome

Aside from the fact that I often overuse misuse the word awesome in conversation, never before has it occurred to me to school the world on the awesomeness of everyday findings.

Like this dude…

I may have met my maker.  Or perhaps it is he that has learned from the master.

OK fine.  I’m weird.  So?  Isn’t it awesome?

Wow. Some people really are bad parents….

Photobucket
If I promise not to peel my baby, can I have one?  Cause I’m pretty sure I can follow through with this one.

No matter how horribly they end up spellin stuf.

Really.  Even the easy words.

Skin stays on.


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