Posts Tagged 'drugs'

Woah where the fuck have I been?

Wow. It’s been almost 2 years. A lot can happen in 2 years. Lives can change, people can grow, horrible tragedies can happen….

…yeah some of that happened but let’s not get crazy here. It’s really not all that exciting. In fact it’s kinda downright boring.

So last I posted I was moving to Seattle. Yay for me! Holy crap that was a long time ago. Sorry I just can’t get over that. Yeah I moved to Seattle for 10 months and decided that I would be insane to continue living there. Depressed infertile divorcing people should not move to Seattle. There should be a law about it. The sky is a unique shade of grey. Let’s just leave it at that because there is good and bad up there but overall I had a hard time. (And to be fair to the lovely residents of Seattle, I wasn’t in my right mind. Don’t hate me for hating Seattle during a crisis ok? I was getting a divorce after years of infertility. Remember? Yeah.)

Fuck I dont know where to begin here. Nothing is the same. Literally nothing. Will bullets help? Yeah let’s try that:

– moved to seattle
– started hanging out with old grunge rock stars
– hated seattle
– got a call/job offer to move back to Cali
– moved back to Cali and started over
– bought a house for me and the kids (Sandy and Monster)
– stayed in touch with Mark and had INSANE-reality-tv-show-style-drama-that-didn’t-really-effect-me-personally-but-woah-was-fucking-crazy-because-his-life-has-fallen-completely-apart
– got fired from new job (oh there will be a post about this…)
– started working for baby company. Ironic? Umm yes

-lost 57 pounds
– Sandy died
– world ended

…so we caught up now? Yeah I think we may have glossed over a few things but perhaps this list can serve as gigantic chapters haha.

One thing I’d like to point out to the world that really I should keep to myself is that I have been single this entire time. Yup. I’m lame. Total loser right over here. I might regret this post in the morning LOL.

So for now I guess all I can say is that I’m back. Not sure this blog makes sense for my life anymore, but maybe feedback? No. I’m not trying to have a baby anymore. For now. Or ever? God I dont know.

Anyway…I am considering reinventing the babybound blog. It’s not the same and I am certainly many phases backwards from said original goal, but could this be a playground for ridiculous banter about my completely ironic job choice? Maybe? Or maybe you can all laugh at my absolutely ridiculous life of singleton after infertility. That works for me. Thoughts?

Let’s take inventory shall we?

I’m all over the place.  Relieved, sad, devastated, bored, scared, petrified, lonely, fat, tired, exhausted, sick of talking, bloated, hungry, sick, nervous, alone.

But not happy.  The one thing I am not is happy.  This may have been the right thing to do.  It was.  But nothing about it represents joy.

Day 1

Mark is gone.  He’s really gone.  Word’s cant even explain how disgusting and horrible I feel here.

Sunday afternoon I found coke in a small little piggy bank that I gave him.  Two baggies.  While this was a horrific discovery, it turned out to be only the beginning of what has been the worst week of my life.  Some rudimentary digging uncovered what I like to call:  a big fucking crap pile on top of a pile of shit.

Apparently our missing money can be found snuggly nested inside the nasal passages of Mark’s nose.  Along with thousands of dollars his parents secretly sent to him.

There is also a girl.  Her name is Jane.  I feel as though we have become really close through the 3 messages that she left him on his phone.  We’re like bff’s now.  Although being that we don’t seem to understand each other when it comes to our thoughts, belief systems or sobriety, I see this friendship being short lived.

It also seems as though all these meetings Mark has been attending as of late were more like Alcoholic’s Alliance rather than Anonymous.  He hasn’t been seen at a meeting in weeks.  By anyone.  And his old sponsor that seemed to pop back up in the picture to “help him get through his job loss”..well?  He hasn’t heard from Mark in years.

With all this pirate treasure of information, change had to happen.  I mean really.  I didn’t exactly have a choice here.  An intervention was planned.  His father flew out here.  We staged a meeting behind Mark’s back to surprise him.  Everyone was involved.  Mark freaked the fuck out.

He had two choices:  1.  go back to NY with his father and straight to the rehab facility that we lined up for him.  Bags already packed.  Planes already booked.  2.  Get out and never come back.  Locks changed.  Police called.

He ran away.  Called his bff junkie dealer who turned on him.  Came back.  Got on plane.  No lookin back.  HATES me.

I know I did the right thing.  I absolutely did.  It’s single handedly the hardest thing I have ever done.  (and probably will ever)

Time to start over.  I’m terrified.

Make a list and check it twice.

K.  I’m not less crazy today.  Still nutso.  Just a day older and probably have deeper wrinkles.

Here’s my pledge to myself – for the next 5 days, I will:

Ignore work.  Get drunk.  Eat too much.  Take up a drug addiction.  Perhaps crack.  Have random, meaningless sex with strangers.  Get accidentally pregnant.  Find a new thing to freak out about – who the hell is the father??  Call Maury Povich.  Look into food stamps.  Learn how to make my own crack to cut out the middle man.  Have a crack baby.  Go to hell.  Vacation at Promises and do lunch with Dr. Drew  (yummy).  Decide which one of my children from work I am willing to throw under the bus to save my own ass.  Find a nanny for my crack baby so I can get my ass back to work – now is not the time to be takin maternity leave am I right ladies??.  Set up a spreadsheet to calculate out the price I can get for all my Christmas presents when I’m layed off and then start “downsizing” with the most unwanted stuff first, probably the scented candles from Mark’s mom (sorry, but I really hate vanilla scented stuff).  Teach my crack baby how to make soup out of boiled water, a rock and some cheese wrappers.  Take up whoring.  And lastly, try to relax.

More or less….

Finally! Somebody figured it out.

Holy crap!  When did they start putting sharps containers in the airport bathroom???  Has it been that long since I did IVF?

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine – yes she actually called me while peeing in the airport bathroom – who told me that there is a bright and shiny sharps container in there.  She was assuming it was for diabetics.  Ha!  O the laughs.  Don’t diabetics use a little piece of sharp paper now or something?  They don’t need a big ol red sharps container for that.

This has quite often been soemthing that has bothered me.  I actually have found myself in an airport when the timing was just so that I had to inject myself with the crazy juice.  And fuck man, I’ve stressed over what to do with those needles.

Should I put in the tampon garbage?  No.  Because if someone reaches in there (umm why would someone do this?  I don’t know but they might) they would get pricked and assume they now have AIDS and I would be responsible and the FBI would come after me and a whole investigation would happen and it would be all over the news and my parents would find out I have done IVF.  Damn.

Should I dare throw it in the trash by the sink?  People would see me and think I’m a drug addict AND I’d most likely get arrested for doing drugs and have to go to rehab and I’d lose my job and my parents would find out I do drugs?  Wait no I don’t do drugs but they’d find out something and I’d miss my flight. I can’t let that happen.

Well there’s that whole level orange security and 911 stuff so clearly I can’t take needles with me.

So after much debate, this usually resulted in me wrapping needles up in a quadrillion pieces of tp and shoving it into the trash next to the sink (hoping nobody saw) and then washing my hands 800 trillion times because EW they were just in the trash!!

Man its nice to know that someone figured this out and put a damn sharps container in there.  Just think of how much I will be saving the government on hand soap!


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