Archive for the 'I want a baby' Category

How to make a baby

I recently saw an article about a site that will pay you to write a “how to” on just about anything. Anything?  Really?!?  Here goes!

Good morning class. Today’s lesson will begin on page 127 of your baby makin manuals where we get into the more detailed steps of life creation. We are going to skip the first 3 chapters that talk about sex, condoms, drunkin one-night-stands and “happy mistakes”. This class has no need for such behavior. In fact, its frowned upon to even engage in any of it if you’d like to change diapers any time in the near future.

Alright let’s get started. Getting pregnant is easy if you follow these 8 simple steps:

Give up sex: Sex is going to slow everything down and should be limited to never. You’re going to want your husband to store up butt loads of the good stuff and get a little “frustrated” shall we say. Besides, everyone knows that sex doesn’t make a baby anyway so its simply a waste of time.

Invite in a third party: I know what you’re thinkin, your mother told you that babies come from a “big hug between a man and a woman that love each other very much” and never once mentioned an audience!! Well. Your mom was wrong. If you really want to make a baby, you’re going to need to invite several other participants into your bedroom. In fact, it will just be easier to take this whole process on the road and out of the bedroom. You’ll need at least 2 doctors, 3 nurses, an anastesiologist, 2 pharmacists, 1 random therapist, and a surgical staff. If you are feeling like an exobisionist, add in an acupuncturist. It’s not necissary to feed them although it certainly couldn’t hurt.

Spend all of your money: Baby makin isn’t for the timid my friends. If you want to get to the good stuff, you’re going to have to make some serious sacrifices. All these new bff’s that you’re going to be hangin out with every other day for the next 45 to 65 days are gonna want to get paid and unfortunately, they went to really expensive schools and drive really expensive cars to their really expensive houses. If you want to keep up with them, you’re going to have to keep them happy in their lifestyle. Even at the expense of your own.

Invest in drug paraphernalia: Its true! While sex only takes a man and a woman – naked, Baby making requires drugs. And lots of them. This is the one time in your life where using needles and pills is going to be considered responsible. As long as you don’t get them from the alley behind Safeway. No need my little learning machines. Your new entourague will hand them out like candy. But I guess on the off chance you run out, those back alley needles are the same. O! And those alleys are a great place shoot up in a pinch. You know, like on the way to a dinner or a movie where you can’t do it. Don’t dismiss all those lovely spots that your fellow drug addicts have already scoped out. There’s a reason they work.

Take a vacation from your social life: Everyone could use a little break from their friends right? No? O well you’re going to have to just accept it. Baby creation has rules. Rules like no drinking, timed drugs, no sex and no sushi nights out with the girls. Plus, your new entourage is extremely needy. They want to hang out with you ALL the time. And they wont take no for an answer so sorry folks, your friends are just gonna have to be cool with it.

Go crazy: See, here’s where its going to be just fine to vaca from your pals for a bit. All those awesome drugs and doc visits may cause you to get a little loopy. Otherwise known as, get crazy as a fucking loon. You’re going to be as unpredictable as the weather and even your pets will fear you. But stick with it kids, because its this insanity that preheats the baby oven so that your entourage can put one in there to bake for the next 9 months. We all know how important preheating is right?

Spend some time in a hospital: When that preheat timer goes off, its time for the party! Doc baby maker might want to have this party in a hospital, in his office or in an outpatient facility. Don’t worry. He’ll send out invitations so you wont be left out. In fact, you’re going to be the guest of honor. But here’s the cool part, the dad? Well he wont be there at all. See…I told you your mom was wrong. Have you heard me mention a hug even once in this lesson? He will probably be at work or golfing or something. Hopefully he’ll be there to pick you up at the end of the party though. You will be in no shape to drive after this one. Think of this party like a rave. Its gonna go on for a couple of days and at the end, a baby will be cookin. See? That was easy right?

Rinse and repeat: How many men did you go through before you found the perfect Dad for your baby? Lots right? Well your baby oven may have to go on a few auditions before it gets the role. You may have to repeat this whole process a few times. Don’t worry, your new entourage would love to stick around for as long as you can afford them need them. When money becomes an issue, they’ll totally offer up all kinds of payment plans, loans, and medical studies to help you out. They are there for you. Going into insurmountable debt doesn’t matter to them. They want you to have a baby too!! Try again and again. It will work eventually.

And there you have it! A quick and easy process right? It may not be as fun as that mythical condom breaking, but the end result is just as awesome.


O wow, I didn’t think I’d get these questions again.

OK let’s just put it out there. Now that I don’t have a job, it seems to be pretty obvious to everyone but me that I’m suppose to have a kid. “Maybe this was God telling you to focus on a family now.” “You should take this time to get pregnant.”

While arguably, pregnancies seem to gravitate towards the jobless, homeless and crack addicted, I’m pretty sure this isn’t exactly prime time for baby makin. I know it kinda looks like it. What with all my bon bon eating and tv watching and all. But the last time I checked, babies still liked diapers and food and stuff.

Actually, money isn’t really even the reason this seems like the absolute worst time. When people tell me to have a baby, I just keep getting visions of me, sitting in an office – interviewing for my next job – wearing a black tent (because I don’t think I’ve ever seen interview maternity clothes…should tell you something people) while rubbing my giant pregnant belly. Trying to convince someone to hire you because you are more qualified for the position and extremely dedicated to your career becomes rather difficult don’t ya think? I don’t think I can be that convincing if I need to leave halfway through to barf. And the tent might be distracting.

…oh and there’s still that pesky IVF cost.

Who’s the drunk in the corner?

Ladies ladies.  You underestimate the hardened babybound hahaha.  There will be no Mother’s Day brunch at my house.  No no.  That is just insanity at its finest.

I absolutely said no.  In fact, I said no I cann’t do it and have a very hard time with Mother’s Day in general.  I will not be a happy slave to the Mother’s on that day.  You do understand don’t you.  And I left it at that.

Favorite Aunt is hosting a Mother’s Day brunch at her house.  Its still up in the air whether I will go or not.  On the one hand, it will still be full of over praised mothers and their painful needs to point out that they are in fact better than me with all their baby makin.  On the other hand, its my fav Aunt and she lives 5 minutes from me and I like her.

I’m sure the food will be awesome and I know the wine will be plentiful.  As I sit here on this fence, I do feel myself leaning a little bit more towards the brunch side.  A day of getting completely wasted and making a fool of myself only to point out how much I hate them all for having babies kinda sounds fun doesn’t it?  At least it would be memorable and they simply can’t get mad at me.  I’m the broken one in pain!

Stay tuned…

I am super here me roar…

I am very proud of myself today.  No, I didn’t cure cancer or end world hunger, but I did do something rather difficult for any freak infertile woman.  I bought a baby shower gift.  I know right?  I’m growing.

So this shower that I was suppose to go to last week but got moved to this week and then got canceled because the baby wasn’t invited but decided to crash anyway.  Yeah the shower that has had my head wrapped around it for a couple of weeks now because I didn’t want to fucking have anything to do with it but I liked the mom-to-be so so so much fuck fuck fuck have trouble with all things baby.  Well?  Even though I completely dodged a bullet here, I still felt that I absolutely had to get her a baby gift.  I wanted to get her a baby gift.  This is a coworker that I actually like a lot.  And I am truly happy for her blessing.  Just because God hates me doesn’t mean I should be spreading the hate.  That’s just gonna get me in trouble and frankly, I’m not really very good at being the one that sucks the life out of the room.  There are plenty of those out there.  I hope that isn’t a really terrible assessment of myself because I really don’t like those people and I want to like myself.

My original idea was to get her a pedicure.  Something for her.  Its something she likes/needs/wants while also being something that I don’t have to cry over.  Its like a win win.  It would have been perfect.  We’d go together.  Have a great time.  She’d get to be a girl for a minute rather than a mom.  Awesome.

Baby clearly reviewed the offering and felt otherwise.  He wasn’t havin none of that polish remover and warm foot water.  I believe his exact words were “Ah heellll nah. I’m gitten the fuck outta hea.  Screw dat shit.”  This kid has a potty mouth let me tell you.

So at the drawing board I was faced with only one option.  An actual baby gift.  And all she wanted was baby boy clothes.  Everyone knows that an infertile woman has absolutely no business perusing the baby clothes.  Ever.  I’m pretty sure there’s a law about it.

But let me be the first to tell you that there are loopholes to everything.  This is why God invented the gift card.  While I pretty much hate the thoughtlessness of a gift card, this seemed like as perfect as any a time to whip out my gift card abilities.  I even picked out a cute baby boy themed one.  And then got a card.  A CARD! (OK I had help from a very supportive friend in the selection of said card, but still.  I was standing right there and had to read it so I still thinks it counts as pretty bad ass.)

So no I’m not the worlds most awesome person, but I still did something I didn’t think I could do.  And sure, it didn’t actually have anything at all to do with babies once I dissected it down to a basic piece of plastic wrapped in a folded paper card, but….its the thought that counts??

Congrats Baby Maker on your newly acquired blue Target gift card.  O and that new baby thing you picked up too.

Moving on.

Where the hell have I been you ask?  Well?  I guess I don’t really have a good answer for that at all.  I’ve been here.  Last week would have been Ashley’s 2nd birthday.  That kinda took up my thoughts for a lot of the week, but I was trying really hard not to get all obsessed with it.  I know some might say I have a right to, but I just don’t want to.  You can’t move on if you’re stuck in the past and I want to have a good life AD.

That wasn’t meant to piss anyone off.  Some people definitely feel differently and that’s ok with me.  I just have a very hard time dwelling forever.  I do dwell for sure, but do I want to be celebrating Ashley’s 30th birthday all sad and wishing she was here?  No I don’t.  I hope that at that point I will be celebrating an alive birthday with an alive child/adult.  One who has filled my life with a ridiculous amount of joy and pain – teenagers – and made me feel full.  I want nothing more than to look forward to that rather than dwell on what is not.

That doesn’t mean I am not sad or don’t feel robbed.  Of course I do.  And I miss her.  And I wish I met her.  And I want to have that 2 year old little girl here right now.  But I think that part of healing is moving on.  And I’d like to think that is what I am doing. Right or wrong, this is my plan.

So that was my week last week.  While I was thinking quite a bit about my baby, I also got to think about the baby shower that was planned for Thursday at work.  Awesome right?  Well lucky lucky me, it got moved to tomorrow.  And as my luck is clearly overflowing these days, the pregnant mom to be actually went into labor today and the shower is canceled altogether.  I completely dodged that bullet!!

I should probably run out and buy some lottery tickets and have sex with my husband like normal people in hopes of making a life…

I guess I must have done something really really wrong.

Hey all you lovely ladies out there lookin to score a kid, here’s a young stud just waitin for your phone call

I mean sure he’s like 8 lookin and you were hoping for a more sophisticated, adult type.  And yeah, having sex with him might get you convicted of statutory rape.  So what if his facial hair hasn’t even developed and his voice hasn’t cracked right?  Tough times call for tough decisions and this miniature baby maker might be the best we could hope for.

Now.  Let me go bang my head against a wall for about 8.46 minutes until my eyeballs pop out so that I don’t ever have to see this again.  Still working on a way to get the disturbing thoughts out of my mind.  Maybe without eye’s I’ll be able to focus.

A week of crap and poop. O and the dog is sick too.

Who me?  Where have I been you ask?  Uhh.  We got stuck in traffic?  We ran out of gas?  I woulda called, but my cell phone died?  I’ll be better next time.  Promise.

Truth be told, its been a rough week around here.  Work had layoffs.  Sandy had a competition with herself to see which one grossed Mommy out more, sick runny crap on the white rug or barf on the jute rug.  Barf won btw.

Monday sucked donkey testicles and I haven’t been able to perk up since.  Layoffs suck the life out of everyone.  If you get let go, you’re obviously screwed (and have it worse.  Yes.  You definitely have plenty to complain about and I wont take that away from you).  If you don’t, there’s a lovely combination of “what if there are more” and “why did I get spared”.  Joyous fun for all.  Since I regularly partake in the experience of freaking the fuck out about losing my job, this hasn’t dampened my spirits.  No no.  I’m still whole heartedly involved in full fledged freak out at all times.

I do have one lil funny story to tell about my weekend at band camp with my mom.  We went to Napa this weekend (which I will report on later).  On Sunday morning when we were getting ready, I took out my bcp.  My mom, looking rather puzzled, said “why are you on birth control?”  to which I said with a sense of condescension and disgust “well duh.  I’m trying to have a baby??  Did you forget that??  I suppose you think Mark and I have sex too.  Silly normal person.”.  Ahhh sigh.  I’m just downright Hi Larious aren’t I?

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