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What what?

This just made me laugh out loud.

I mean who DOESN’T want a sparkle baby right?!??!?

You’re welcome.


Never forget. Never

September 11th, 2001.

I was living in West Hollywood and pretty much thought I had life figured out.  I owned my own condo steps from the strip.  I had a boyfriend (who I later married) and a great life.  I had just been layed off from my job, but didn’t feel it was going to be an issue because I lived in a little bubble where the world was awesome and I was awesome and I was doing too well to have anything bad effect me.  Basically I was a little 20 something brat. Oh and I was hot.


I was asleep.  The phone rang.  This was fairly normal as my BFF Pontea called me every morning from NY because she was at work and I wasn’t and she loved waking me up.  We talked every single day.  After getting my ass out of bed, we’d be on AIM all day long.

When I picked up the phone, I hadn’t even rolled over.  I knew who it was.  I just said “what?”.  What?  That was all I said.  No hello.  No hi.  Just “What?”  So horrible.

Pontea was in an absolute panic on the other end of the phone.  I could feel her shaking.  She said “getupturnonthetvyouneedtoseewhatisgoingonthewholeworldisendingandIdon’tknow


Pontea was my best friend.  She was also incredibly dramatic.  So was/am I.  This reaction could have easily been because her office mate put too much sugar in her coffee or Ozzy Osborne announced a new album.  But this really was different.  I shot straight out of bed and turned the TV on.  What I saw wasn’t anything I could understand.  It felt not real.  Like a movie set.  One of the biggest buildings in the world had smoke coming out of it and I had no idea why.  Was this a movie?  Drunk driver?  (look it was early…)  Whatever it was, I was sure it was fixable.  Looked as if a couple of stories of the building were destroyed and I anticipated footage tomorrow of the wreckage.  Blacked out walls and beams.  No windows.  I could tell that people may have died, but they would fix it.  America always fixes it.  We have sadness and tragedy but it is always not as bad as it could have been.  Media goes on for days and days and shows the bad stuff, but always points out the heroes and the stuff that went right so that it didn’t get worse than it was.

I still had no idea why this building was smoking.  Pontea and I stayed on the phone and watched it together.  She was crying and paniced and didn’t know what to do.  She was scared she was going to get hit by a bomb.  We didn’t know if this was a bomb or a war or a gas leak.  At this point I calmed down and just thought Pontea was yet again being dramatic.  A gas leak in a building down the street was NOT a reason to cry.

Then we saw it.  A plane flew right into the second tower.  No words.  We both saw it and just didn’t understand.

I instantly needed to call Mark.  He and his roommate didn’t have a TV at the time so I knew he would have no idea what was going on.  Being that I am known to be as dramatic as Pontea, it was not at all surprising that he didn’t answer when I called.  I called again.  And again.  Eventually I just called Bruce his roommate who also wasn’t gonna appreciate my early morning wakeup.  I called again.  Third time Bruce picked up and said “what do you want woman?!?”

I said:  Bruce.  There has been a huge accident in NYC and both of the twin towers are on fire.  You and Mark need to get up and turn on the news on your computers.  And you need to call your mother.  (Mark and Bruce are both from NY)

While I stayed on the phone he woke up Mark.  Handed Mark the phone while he pulled up the news.  I told Mark and made sure they were on it but I needed to get back to Pontea.

Pontea and I stayed on the phone for hours.  Crying.  We heard there was a third plane.  Was there a 4th?!?  Pontea was terrified but didn’t know where to go.  She worked blocks from the towers and we really didn’t know if more was coming.  We decided she needed to stay where she was and both AIMed everyone to find out who was ok.  And who wasn’t.

This changed my life forever.  For the first time in my life it wasn’t “not as bad as it could have been”.  I watched those towers fall to the ground and just couldn’t believe it.  There was no worse that could have been.  Up until that moment I was always as optimistic as possible and just knew someone was going to fix it.  But nobody did fix it.

It’s sometimes hard to explain how I felt that day.  I spent hours in shock. Everyone did.  I still remember the terror as if it were yesterday and in the 10 years since that day, I have only felt that level of uncontrollable terror twice more.  The fact that things aren’t always going to be OK was something that I had to let into my life.  My bubble had to change.  I was humbled to new levels.

9/11 changed the world.  So much was lost that day.  I will never forget.  I hope nobody does.

Pontea and I lost touch several years later and I miss her.  I think of her every year on 9/11.  She was a huge part of my life and a huge part of the changes I had to make.  I miss everyone I lost that day.  And I miss everyone I’ve lost since that day.  I know  9/11 is everywhere today and its on the minds of all Americans.  I am no different.  I am not special.

But I remember.

Woah where the fuck have I been?

Wow. It’s been almost 2 years. A lot can happen in 2 years. Lives can change, people can grow, horrible tragedies can happen….

…yeah some of that happened but let’s not get crazy here. It’s really not all that exciting. In fact it’s kinda downright boring.

So last I posted I was moving to Seattle. Yay for me! Holy crap that was a long time ago. Sorry I just can’t get over that. Yeah I moved to Seattle for 10 months and decided that I would be insane to continue living there. Depressed infertile divorcing people should not move to Seattle. There should be a law about it. The sky is a unique shade of grey. Let’s just leave it at that because there is good and bad up there but overall I had a hard time. (And to be fair to the lovely residents of Seattle, I wasn’t in my right mind. Don’t hate me for hating Seattle during a crisis ok? I was getting a divorce after years of infertility. Remember? Yeah.)

Fuck I dont know where to begin here. Nothing is the same. Literally nothing. Will bullets help? Yeah let’s try that:

– moved to seattle
– started hanging out with old grunge rock stars
– hated seattle
– got a call/job offer to move back to Cali
– moved back to Cali and started over
– bought a house for me and the kids (Sandy and Monster)
– stayed in touch with Mark and had INSANE-reality-tv-show-style-drama-that-didn’t-really-effect-me-personally-but-woah-was-fucking-crazy-because-his-life-has-fallen-completely-apart
– got fired from new job (oh there will be a post about this…)
– started working for baby company. Ironic? Umm yes

-lost 57 pounds
– Sandy died
– world ended

…so we caught up now? Yeah I think we may have glossed over a few things but perhaps this list can serve as gigantic chapters haha.

One thing I’d like to point out to the world that really I should keep to myself is that I have been single this entire time. Yup. I’m lame. Total loser right over here. I might regret this post in the morning LOL.

So for now I guess all I can say is that I’m back. Not sure this blog makes sense for my life anymore, but maybe feedback? No. I’m not trying to have a baby anymore. For now. Or ever? God I dont know.

Anyway…I am considering reinventing the babybound blog. It’s not the same and I am certainly many phases backwards from said original goal, but could this be a playground for ridiculous banter about my completely ironic job choice? Maybe? Or maybe you can all laugh at my absolutely ridiculous life of singleton after infertility. That works for me. Thoughts?

We’re moving!

It just seems wrong to talk about dating and moving and being single on a blog entitled BabyBound.  Right?  Right.  I’m pretty sure that would effect the second date.

Time to start a new blog for a new life.

(Don’t worry, I’ll probably still talk about my naughty bits.)


Life is strange.  Everything happens for a reason of course, but sometimes things happen that just make you wonder: what the fuck is going to happen next?

This was an extremely challenging week.  More of a shitstorm of sorts.  One of those weeks that make you have to look reeeeaaaally deep inside yourself to find the funny.  I can’t lie, I kinda flipped the fuck out.  For the first time in a really long time, I was physically unable to cope and almost needed loads of drugs, hospitalization sedation.  But while this may have seemed like the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, after sleeping on it, I realized its not.  But even more personal reflection revealed that we been through this exact same shitstorm before.

Let me explain.  Bring on the bullets…

The year 2000 went a little something like this:

  • Mark and I began the year as a fairly new couple.
  • Mark was laid off from his job in Feb.
  • I was wrongfully let go from my job in March…which lead to a big lawsuit and months of hell (I won, but many bridges were burned…Make that exploded.)
  • The internet was falling apart so both of us were really struggling to find jobs.  Took 9 months.
  • Nov. we broke up.  Life was too hard.  We were both stressed, broke and unhappy.
  • In Dec. my Grandpa got very sick and spent Christmas in the hospital after an extremely difficult open heart surgery.
  • Also in Dec., my family seemed to be falling apart.  Lots of fighting, people not speaking to each other, my sister was estranged.
  • Life seemed over.  So much disappointment.  So much sadness.  So much loss.

Fast forward to 2009:

  • I started off the year in therapy with my family after a year and a half of estrangement.
  • In late Feb, my Grandfather had a major stroke.  Several weeks later, he passed away.
  • In March, the economy sunk to an all time low and unemployment started to soar.
  • Mark and I came this |<->| close to divorcing and spent a few months separated.
  • In June, I was laid off from my job.
  • This last week started out with my Grandma having a stroke and spending the entire week in the hosp.
  • Mark was wrongfully let go from his job (we’ve talked to an attorney, however we learned from last time.  We’re not going down that road again)
  • Just to make it interesting, our bank accounts were somehow hacked and almost all of our savings were completely drained.  Our accounts are now frozen and we have zero access to any of our money until the bank figures it out.

Anyone noticing a pattern here?  Like.  The same exact thing happening in reverse?  Are you as creeped out as I am?

Yesterday I spent most of the day completely incapacitated and unable to make a good decision.  It seemed as though my life was completely falling apart.  Mark and I have no jobs, no money (at the moment), and people in my family are dying.  How could this possibly end well?  But when I woke up this morning, I realized something important.  We came out of 2000 completely on top.  We made it.  In fact, we came out stronger, better, and happier. We both got great jobs, we got back together, we fell in love harder than ever before, and we eventually got married.

Things are tough right now, but not over.  And for some very strange reason, I take comfort in kind of knowing what will happen next based on history repeating itself – in reverse.  1999 was an awesome year.  I was so happy.  Had a great job.  Made lots of money.  Met the man of my dreams.  Was thin.  Lived a super glamorous life.  O and I was thin.  Did I mention that?  I can only imagine that 2010 has to be similar right?  Rather than focus on the unbelievable hand that we have been dealt this year, I am finding myself getting really excited about the future.  The awesome job I should be getting soon.  The happiness I will be experiencing with my husband.  Perhaps even a baby?

Anyway, there are always two ways to look at things:  the “holy fuck everything sucks” way and the “what can I learn from this” way.  I chose learning.  And because of this, I’m not letting the storm take me.

…and of course I get to be thin again right?

Help me out here

This has really been buggin me for a while now.  Why do we say “It’s a boy/girl!”? Shouldn’t it be “He’s a boy!” or “She’s a girl!”? Seems like we’re kinda short changing these little babies right off that bat by referring to them as it. Am I the only one that thinks that?

4 requirments for next husband:

1. Absolutely cannot be an addict of any kind. Recovering, clean, addicted to me. Nothing. Addicts need not apply.

2. MUST make more money than me. I will not waver on this one again.

3. Needs to be nice to people. At parties. Family functions. All of it. Damn dude better turn. it. on.

4. Must be hot.

In that order…

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