Posts Tagged 'life'

O yeah, I write a blog.

Where do I start?  Everything is different.  Like so different that I am pretty sure I’m thin and awesome now.

Hmm…First off, I got a job.  I know right?  Awesome.

Well yes but its in Seattle.  Which means I am moving to the rainy state.  Isn’t that exactly where someone going through a massive depression should live?  Just keep the flannel and heroine away and I should be fine.  It’s not really all that different from San Francisco.  We don’t see the sun for weeks around here.

I’m also selling my house.  Thankfully there are some decent advantages to being OCD about labels and cleanliness when it comes to preparing for this.  I basically had to move a chair and call it a day.  Phew.  But That didn’t stop me from going insane trying to make everything perfect perfect.  I’ve been runnin around like a Mexican jumping bean cleaning, organizing, paring down, staging, and most importantly, boxing up all Mark’s shit and throwing it down the stairs.

O speaking of Mark, yeah he’s back in San Francisco.  Not here at the house, but here.  He’s chosen to take up residency in the area of SF we all lovingly refer to as the Tenderloin (aka, were you go to score your drugs).  We are being civil, but not talking.  Just dealing with the divorce and the house sale as if we are coworkers.  At this point, that’s about all I can handle.  He’s still lying, using, and self destructing and its killing me to watch it.

I am thinkin about getting a new blog.  This one seems a bit umm…shall we say…irrelevant?  Stay tuned.

So that’s me.  Thank you to everyone who’s checked in with me.  I miss you all too.  I’m just not the same person right now.  I’m some facsimile of BabyBound.  See?  I’m not even clever.  I hope to God that Mark didn’t get that in the divorce.  Cause that’s totally my thing not his.  He can have my bad spelling, emotional wreckness and inability to sleep well, but he can’t. have. my. whit.  (anyone else think my face should be half painted blue when they read that?  I did…)

Please. Let me be sad.

I love my friends.  I really do.  I have great people around me that have been nothing but supportive.  Most of who read this blog so clearly any and all barking will not be done here…after today.

However…

I am really having a hard time with them.  Nobody will let me just be sad.  I’m fucking sad ok?  Just let me be sad!  Let me morn.  Let me miss him.  Let me cry.

I get it.  He’s a pig.  Yeah yeah.  But the more everyone sits around and tells me he’s a dirt bag, the worse I feel.  It isn’t helping.  In fact, it feels like judgment.  It feels like everyone ganging up against me.  Like I’m no longer allowed to have my own thoughts or feel my own feelings.  Like everyone around me is so afraid that I’m not going to do what it is that they want me to do that they forget that I’m a person that just lost her husband.  Let me be a wreck.  Let me say I miss him!!

Someone recently told me that 97% of my relationship was a nightmare and that I should just move on.  Wow.  Do they really think that I stuck around for 3%?  I mean common.  That’s just insulting.  Do I come off as that weak?  I can’t even imagine what that would look like.  Can you?  3%?  That would mean about 5 hours a year  with Mark were OK.  WTF?   I’d really like to think I’m stronger than that thank you.

It wasn’t until 2.5 years ago that things started to go sour with Mark and I.  Up until then, our 7.5 years together had been almost perfect.  We never fought.  We had fantastic sex like rabbits.  Mark loved every inch of me – and I him.  It was as if there was nobody else on this planet that could make me that happy.  We were even kicked out of the preliminary marriage counseling because we were told in the first session that it was “unnecessary” for us.  Mark and I were fantastic.  We had excellent communication with each other.

So what went wrong?  Well that’s a loaded question.  A few things:  First, our pride and joy, Daisy was killed and it seemed as though our world ripped apart.  We had failure after failure at pregnancy.  Then, we moved to San Francisco – a decision that I think was probably at the top of our stupid list.  Several big changes, and a lot of bad decisions.  All in all, life happened.

We used to be a disgustingly adorable couple.  We made people jealous of us.  Mark isn’t evil and I refuse to believe that he is now. There is a huge difference between evil and illness. He is sick and unwilling to get better.   I understand that.  I accept it.  But Jesus Christ I don’t have to like it.

Let me be sad.  I need to be.  I need to morn and cry.  For god sake let me cry.  I need to do this.  I need to remember why it is that I married him.  Not because I am looking for a reason to get back together with him.  I’m not that weak.  But the more everyone tells me he’s horrible the more they are judging me.  My choices.  My decisions.  My life.

It’s not what I need.  It’s not what I want.  I want to cry.  I need to cry.  And I don’t need to be told what to do.  I think I’ve proven already that I make decent choices.  Stop making it seem as though I’m incapable of doing so.

Let’s take inventory shall we?

I’m all over the place.  Relieved, sad, devastated, bored, scared, petrified, lonely, fat, tired, exhausted, sick of talking, bloated, hungry, sick, nervous, alone.

But not happy.  The one thing I am not is happy.  This may have been the right thing to do.  It was.  But nothing about it represents joy.

Day 1

Mark is gone.  He’s really gone.  Word’s cant even explain how disgusting and horrible I feel here.

Sunday afternoon I found coke in a small little piggy bank that I gave him.  Two baggies.  While this was a horrific discovery, it turned out to be only the beginning of what has been the worst week of my life.  Some rudimentary digging uncovered what I like to call:  a big fucking crap pile on top of a pile of shit.

Apparently our missing money can be found snuggly nested inside the nasal passages of Mark’s nose.  Along with thousands of dollars his parents secretly sent to him.

There is also a girl.  Her name is Jane.  I feel as though we have become really close through the 3 messages that she left him on his phone.  We’re like bff’s now.  Although being that we don’t seem to understand each other when it comes to our thoughts, belief systems or sobriety, I see this friendship being short lived.

It also seems as though all these meetings Mark has been attending as of late were more like Alcoholic’s Alliance rather than Anonymous.  He hasn’t been seen at a meeting in weeks.  By anyone.  And his old sponsor that seemed to pop back up in the picture to “help him get through his job loss”..well?  He hasn’t heard from Mark in years.

With all this pirate treasure of information, change had to happen.  I mean really.  I didn’t exactly have a choice here.  An intervention was planned.  His father flew out here.  We staged a meeting behind Mark’s back to surprise him.  Everyone was involved.  Mark freaked the fuck out.

He had two choices:  1.  go back to NY with his father and straight to the rehab facility that we lined up for him.  Bags already packed.  Planes already booked.  2.  Get out and never come back.  Locks changed.  Police called.

He ran away.  Called his bff junkie dealer who turned on him.  Came back.  Got on plane.  No lookin back.  HATES me.

I know I did the right thing.  I absolutely did.  It’s single handedly the hardest thing I have ever done.  (and probably will ever)

Time to start over.  I’m terrified.

Fail

OK.  Frankly I’ve been a terrible blogger in 09′.  I know this.  It’s hard to stay positive and upbeat when you’re life is turning into a big pile of donkey shit.  What started out as a blog about trying to have a baby has kinda become a place where I store all my venting about my happy happy hell.  Having a baby has become so far off into fantasy land that it isn’t even remotely recognizable anymore. Somebody probably turned that light off years ago to conserve energy.  I’m really hoping that can count as me being “green”.

I strangely take comfort in knowing that the rest of the country is in an economic hell with me.  We’ve all come to play at the same party and somehow found ourselves locked in the basement where the scary S&M shit is going on.  I’d really love to be let out now please.  You’ve scared the hell out of me and I have been sufficiently scared for life.  Thank you.

I spend at least 60% of my day telling myself how happy I should be about the things I still have.  My house, my dog, my health, my family, bla bla bla.

Then there’s 30% of stuff I have to just kinda laugh off.  No baby, no job, a banking nightmare, a fat ass…

But just when you thought I was horrible at math, no.  10% of my day is spent freaking the fuck out curled up in a corner crying.  In a dark room.  With damp walls.  And a clown laughing at me relentlessly in the corner.

Its that 10% that we will be focusing on today.  For some strange reason, its that 10% that has me paralyzed with sadness these days.  While I’m sure there is plenty about the other 90% that outweighs it, it’s this last 10% that I can’t stop thinking about right now.

My husband is a bipolar alcoholic and has turned into a selfish, all consuming child as of late.  He lies.  He manipulates.  He yells.  O sure there are good things about him, but I am really having a hard time finding them anymore.  Nobody else is allowed to be depressed when he is.  Everyone else has to be responsible and thrifty and careful because he simply wont be.  He’s a child.  Not a husband.  He wants a mother.  Not a wife. (O and anyone concerned with him seeing this, don’t be.  He has never been supportive of my blog.  Never reads it.)

He hasn’t had any respect for me or our marriage for a rather long time.  Its been hard.  I think I’ve been trying to tell myself that its temporary and that we’re just going through rough stuff, but common.  Things are hard for both of us these days but you’d never know it by observing the unbelievable attention and support that Mr. Babypants has been requiring lately. At the mere suggestion to his horrible behavior he goes bananas.  He gets manipulative and mean.  Then says crap like “leave then if you want to.  I can’t make you stay.  You’re the one that wants to go.  Then go!”

This last 10% has me all consumed.  I actually don’t exactly know what to do to fix it.  I know what some of you might say.  Leave him.  That’s not as easy as it sounds. I can’t change him.  I know this.  I don’t even want to.  He did the changing.  This isn’t even close to who I married.  He doesn’t even look the same.  And he took up smoking??  Who the hell takes up smoking in their late 30’s?  Really.  Who does that?  Especially when you know your wife loathes it.  And wants to have a baby someday.  See?  Completely self absorbed.

There have been no flowers, or nice gestures.  No selfless acts.  No making up for any of the insurmountable crap he’s put me through.  No meaningful “I’m sorry”s.  He figures that since he doesn’t think I’ll care he wont even try.  No effort at all.  No respect.  He’s just turned into a lazy child who wants to be taken care of and coddled and do absolutely nothing in return to show his appreciation.

I don’t know guys.  Things are bad enough.  I’m starting to think that a huge part of all this sadness is based on my bad decisions to stay with this man.

Just some good advice.

So…

Since I’ve been job hunting quite a bit recently, I realized that a lot of my “gut instincts” about bad jobs come from one very awesomely horrifying job I had a few years ago.  The owner of this strange company was so completely insane it was shocking he even knew how to read.  Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t remember ever seeing him read?….hmm.  I lasted a total of 6 weeks before I had had enough. And when my time was up, I did something so uncharacteristic of me that I still to this day have a hard time believing I really did it.  In one of 8 thousand meetings with the Mr. Crazy, I got up, walked out and never came back.  In the next few weeks, the rest of my peers followed suit – with the exception of one unlucky sole who is still there to keep us informed of all the madness.

I was recently catching up with my fellow peers in our annual support group and reflecting on the absurdity of this place. We were all discussing Mr. Crazy and his wild antics.  Including some of his more unusual interview techniques.  All of us should have known better, but for some reason, we didn’t. I now realize that it is my duty as a non crazy person to share with you some of the lessons we learned.

  1. If an interview isn’t longer than 10 minutes, umm, run.
  2. When you meet the owner of a company, he should spend time asking you questions.  If his upcoming wedding in the mountains of Kilimanjaro are the main topic of conversation – taking up 9 of the 10 minutes, politely exit to the restroom and run the fuck away.  (Sadly, the wedding was postponed because his dog was sick. “… Do you have any idea how hard it is to reschedule twenty Sherpas?!” )
  3. If at any time during the interview, a tour – given by the owner of the company – of a “wall of pride” with food products displayed that supposedly have the company logo somewhere on them leaves you wondering if you forgot to pay the entrance fee to this museum tour, this is not the right place for you.  Carefully guided tours by a man who speaks as though he has had years of experience as a guide – or game show host – aren’t normal first interview tactics.
  4. If the owner of the company has basically assumed that you’ve taken the job they offered, without actually offering you a job yet, and starts giving you assignments in your 10 minute interview, this means trouble.
  5. If he then calls you at home later that night and asks for you to complete work for him, again without officially offering you a job, get the heck outta dodge.
  6. If he insists that you read this “amazing book” written by “one of the leaders in the industry (of which you’ve never heard of)”, and when you start reading you realize that this book is so absurd and out of date you can’t believe it got published (o wait, it was self published of course), you should probably walk away.  Very quietly.  As to not wake the crazy man.
  7. If the company has a 99% turnover rate, and the few people you meet in that first 10 minute interview look as if they are peering out at you from behind a prison wall, you’re probably better off holding out for the next one.  If they themselves have all been there less than a month and this isn’t a startup, wow.  Go!
  8. If Mr. Crazy actually asks you for your past year’s W-9, to illustrate how much you earned at your last job  (which I’m pretty sure is illegal) then run.
  9. If you happen to meet Mr. Crazy’s right arm – a 4 pound raisin hopped up on an enormous amount of Starbucks who doesn’t believe in sleep, global warming or the earth being round, yeah really get away from that.
  10. If you are still not convinced that this man is nuts and you take the job, on your first day, at no point should the the words “I’ve decided that everyone needs to be here by 8am at the latest” be uttered.  Probably ok for some industries surely.  But mine?  Nobody is even awake at 8.  Nobody.
  11. If there is a “wish wall” in the kitchen that has a completely unrealistic wish by each of the inmates employees to be completed by Mr. Crazy when the site launches, you should really just laugh.  I mean cruises, plastic surgeries, bringing Grandma back from the dead?  Really Mr. C?  Really?!?!
  12. And finally, if you make the horrid mistake of telling this man that you are trying to have a baby and need to work from home for a bit because you are doing IVF, stuff cotton in your ears, take drugs, get loaded, whatever you have to do to avoid the spewing of gross baby advice involving sex on plains, keeping your legs up, his first wife’s miracle pregnancy because of some rare oat found in somewhere far, and his complete ignorance of all things normal and private.

There.  You’ve been warned.

Bookends

Life is strange.  Everything happens for a reason of course, but sometimes things happen that just make you wonder: what the fuck is going to happen next?

This was an extremely challenging week.  More of a shitstorm of sorts.  One of those weeks that make you have to look reeeeaaaally deep inside yourself to find the funny.  I can’t lie, I kinda flipped the fuck out.  For the first time in a really long time, I was physically unable to cope and almost needed loads of drugs, hospitalization sedation.  But while this may have seemed like the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, after sleeping on it, I realized its not.  But even more personal reflection revealed that we been through this exact same shitstorm before.

Let me explain.  Bring on the bullets…

The year 2000 went a little something like this:

  • Mark and I began the year as a fairly new couple.
  • Mark was laid off from his job in Feb.
  • I was wrongfully let go from my job in March…which lead to a big lawsuit and months of hell (I won, but many bridges were burned…Make that exploded.)
  • The internet was falling apart so both of us were really struggling to find jobs.  Took 9 months.
  • Nov. we broke up.  Life was too hard.  We were both stressed, broke and unhappy.
  • In Dec. my Grandpa got very sick and spent Christmas in the hospital after an extremely difficult open heart surgery.
  • Also in Dec., my family seemed to be falling apart.  Lots of fighting, people not speaking to each other, my sister was estranged.
  • Life seemed over.  So much disappointment.  So much sadness.  So much loss.

Fast forward to 2009:

  • I started off the year in therapy with my family after a year and a half of estrangement.
  • In late Feb, my Grandfather had a major stroke.  Several weeks later, he passed away.
  • In March, the economy sunk to an all time low and unemployment started to soar.
  • Mark and I came this |<->| close to divorcing and spent a few months separated.
  • In June, I was laid off from my job.
  • This last week started out with my Grandma having a stroke and spending the entire week in the hosp.
  • Mark was wrongfully let go from his job (we’ve talked to an attorney, however we learned from last time.  We’re not going down that road again)
  • Just to make it interesting, our bank accounts were somehow hacked and almost all of our savings were completely drained.  Our accounts are now frozen and we have zero access to any of our money until the bank figures it out.

Anyone noticing a pattern here?  Like.  The same exact thing happening in reverse?  Are you as creeped out as I am?

Yesterday I spent most of the day completely incapacitated and unable to make a good decision.  It seemed as though my life was completely falling apart.  Mark and I have no jobs, no money (at the moment), and people in my family are dying.  How could this possibly end well?  But when I woke up this morning, I realized something important.  We came out of 2000 completely on top.  We made it.  In fact, we came out stronger, better, and happier. We both got great jobs, we got back together, we fell in love harder than ever before, and we eventually got married.

Things are tough right now, but not over.  And for some very strange reason, I take comfort in kind of knowing what will happen next based on history repeating itself – in reverse.  1999 was an awesome year.  I was so happy.  Had a great job.  Made lots of money.  Met the man of my dreams.  Was thin.  Lived a super glamorous life.  O and I was thin.  Did I mention that?  I can only imagine that 2010 has to be similar right?  Rather than focus on the unbelievable hand that we have been dealt this year, I am finding myself getting really excited about the future.  The awesome job I should be getting soon.  The happiness I will be experiencing with my husband.  Perhaps even a baby?

Anyway, there are always two ways to look at things:  the “holy fuck everything sucks” way and the “what can I learn from this” way.  I chose learning.  And because of this, I’m not letting the storm take me.

…and of course I get to be thin again right?


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