Just some good advice.

So…

Since I’ve been job hunting quite a bit recently, I realized that a lot of my “gut instincts” about bad jobs come from one very awesomely horrifying job I had a few years ago.  The owner of this strange company was so completely insane it was shocking he even knew how to read.  Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t remember ever seeing him read?….hmm.  I lasted a total of 6 weeks before I had had enough. And when my time was up, I did something so uncharacteristic of me that I still to this day have a hard time believing I really did it.  In one of 8 thousand meetings with the Mr. Crazy, I got up, walked out and never came back.  In the next few weeks, the rest of my peers followed suit – with the exception of one unlucky sole who is still there to keep us informed of all the madness.

I was recently catching up with my fellow peers in our annual support group and reflecting on the absurdity of this place. We were all discussing Mr. Crazy and his wild antics.  Including some of his more unusual interview techniques.  All of us should have known better, but for some reason, we didn’t. I now realize that it is my duty as a non crazy person to share with you some of the lessons we learned.

1. If an interview isn’t longer than 10 minutes, umm, run.
2. When you meet the owner of a company, he should spend time asking you questions.  If his upcoming wedding in the mountains of Kilimanjaro are the main topic of conversation – taking up 9 of the 10 minutes, politely exit to the restroom and run the fuck away.  (Sadly, the wedding was postponed because his dog was sick. “… Do you have any idea how hard it is to reschedule twenty Sherpas?!” )
3. If at any time during the interview, a tour – given by the owner of the company – of a “wall of pride” with food products displayed that supposedly have the company logo somewhere on them leaves you wondering if you forgot to pay the entrance fee to this museum tour, this is not the right place for you.  Carefully guided tours by a man who speaks as though he has had years of experience as a guide – or game show host – aren’t normal first interview tactics.
4. If the owner of the company has basically assumed that you’ve taken the job they offered, without actually offering you a job yet, and starts giving you assignments in your 10 minute interview, this means trouble.
5. If he then calls you at home later that night and asks for you to complete work for him, again without officially offering you a job, get the heck outta dodge.
6. If he insists that you read this “amazing book” written by “one of the leaders in the industry (of which you’ve never heard of)”, and when you start reading you realize that this book is so absurd and out of date you can’t believe it got published (o wait, it was self published of course), you should probably walk away.  Very quietly.  As to not wake the crazy man.
7. If the company has a 99% turnover rate, and the few people you meet in that first 10 minute interview look as if they are peering out at you from behind a prison wall, you’re probably better off holding out for the next one.  If they themselves have all been there less than a month and this isn’t a startup, wow.  Go!
8. If Mr. Crazy actually asks you for your past year’s W-9, to illustrate how much you earned at your last job  (which I’m pretty sure is illegal) then run.
9. If you happen to meet Mr. Crazy’s right arm – a 4 pound raisin hopped up on an enormous amount of Starbucks who doesn’t believe in sleep, global warming or the earth being round, yeah really get away from that.
10. If you are still not convinced that this man is nuts and you take the job, on your first day, at no point should the the words “I’ve decided that everyone needs to be here by 8am at the latest” be uttered.  Probably ok for some industries surely.  But mine?  Nobody is even awake at 8.  Nobody.
11. If there is a “wish wall” in the kitchen that has a completely unrealistic wish by each of the inmates employees to be completed by Mr. Crazy when the site launches, you should really just laugh.  I mean cruises, plastic surgeries, bringing Grandma back from the dead?  Really Mr. C?  Really?!?!
12. And finally, if you make the horrid mistake of telling this man that you are trying to have a baby and need to work from home for a bit because you are doing IVF, stuff cotton in your ears, take drugs, get loaded, whatever you have to do to avoid the spewing of gross baby advice involving sex on plains, keeping your legs up, his first wife’s miracle pregnancy because of some rare oat found in somewhere far, and his complete ignorance of all things normal and private.

There.  You’ve been warned.