Posts Tagged 'marriage'

Fail

OK.  Frankly I’ve been a terrible blogger in 09′.  I know this.  It’s hard to stay positive and upbeat when you’re life is turning into a big pile of donkey shit.  What started out as a blog about trying to have a baby has kinda become a place where I store all my venting about my happy happy hell.  Having a baby has become so far off into fantasy land that it isn’t even remotely recognizable anymore. Somebody probably turned that light off years ago to conserve energy.  I’m really hoping that can count as me being “green”.

I strangely take comfort in knowing that the rest of the country is in an economic hell with me.  We’ve all come to play at the same party and somehow found ourselves locked in the basement where the scary S&M shit is going on.  I’d really love to be let out now please.  You’ve scared the hell out of me and I have been sufficiently scared for life.  Thank you.

I spend at least 60% of my day telling myself how happy I should be about the things I still have.  My house, my dog, my health, my family, bla bla bla.

Then there’s 30% of stuff I have to just kinda laugh off.  No baby, no job, a banking nightmare, a fat ass…

But just when you thought I was horrible at math, no.  10% of my day is spent freaking the fuck out curled up in a corner crying.  In a dark room.  With damp walls.  And a clown laughing at me relentlessly in the corner.

Its that 10% that we will be focusing on today.  For some strange reason, its that 10% that has me paralyzed with sadness these days.  While I’m sure there is plenty about the other 90% that outweighs it, it’s this last 10% that I can’t stop thinking about right now.

My husband is a bipolar alcoholic and has turned into a selfish, all consuming child as of late.  He lies.  He manipulates.  He yells.  O sure there are good things about him, but I am really having a hard time finding them anymore.  Nobody else is allowed to be depressed when he is.  Everyone else has to be responsible and thrifty and careful because he simply wont be.  He’s a child.  Not a husband.  He wants a mother.  Not a wife. (O and anyone concerned with him seeing this, don’t be.  He has never been supportive of my blog.  Never reads it.)

He hasn’t had any respect for me or our marriage for a rather long time.  Its been hard.  I think I’ve been trying to tell myself that its temporary and that we’re just going through rough stuff, but common.  Things are hard for both of us these days but you’d never know it by observing the unbelievable attention and support that Mr. Babypants has been requiring lately. At the mere suggestion to his horrible behavior he goes bananas.  He gets manipulative and mean.  Then says crap like “leave then if you want to.  I can’t make you stay.  You’re the one that wants to go.  Then go!”

This last 10% has me all consumed.  I actually don’t exactly know what to do to fix it.  I know what some of you might say.  Leave him.  That’s not as easy as it sounds. I can’t change him.  I know this.  I don’t even want to.  He did the changing.  This isn’t even close to who I married.  He doesn’t even look the same.  And he took up smoking??  Who the hell takes up smoking in their late 30’s?  Really.  Who does that?  Especially when you know your wife loathes it.  And wants to have a baby someday.  See?  Completely self absorbed.

There have been no flowers, or nice gestures.  No selfless acts.  No making up for any of the insurmountable crap he’s put me through.  No meaningful “I’m sorry”s.  He figures that since he doesn’t think I’ll care he wont even try.  No effort at all.  No respect.  He’s just turned into a lazy child who wants to be taken care of and coddled and do absolutely nothing in return to show his appreciation.

I don’t know guys.  Things are bad enough.  I’m starting to think that a huge part of all this sadness is based on my bad decisions to stay with this man.

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…A little help over here

Today has been a moment of weakness.  I’ve been wavering all day.  Sad.  Crying.  Pathetic.  Questioning.

Today I have felt as if this whole divorce is a mistake.  Which I logically know is not the case.  I logically know Mark isn’t capable of being a decent husband and has really turned out to be a loser who can’t love anyone.  Logically I know that this is just going to suck for a while until we are no longer living under the same roof but will get better when its all over.  Logically.

Emotionally, I’m broken.  Emotionally I feel as though we have already been through so much and we’ve concured all of it.  We’ve been strong and fantastic through so many of life’s most impossible moments and we’ve never stopped loving each other.  Emotionally, I love him and just want my Marky back.  Emotionally.

I’m a disaster yes.  I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel confident.  And most importantly, I have no chocolate.

Divine Intervention

The ball is rolling.  Realtor has been contacted.  Attorney is being consulted this afternoon.  Wheels are in motion.  I want to get this over with as quickly as possible and with as few scars as possible.  Mark made his bed and I am not at all satisfied with his bed making abilities so therefore I need to find someone who does hospital corners (ok no I don’t.  I hate hospital corners but you get the idea).

In an effort not to give Mark any form of documentation that could bite me in the butt, I’m not going to discuss it here.  This blog has always been about me, for me, and to help me.  I’ll definitely have stuff to say, but dragging Mark through the dirt here while we’re in legal negotiations kinda seems like a bad idea.

As fucking horrible as all of this is, I do to see that this has the makings of a divine intervention.  Of course I’m still a baby killer and will continue to have issues with fertility moving forward, but there seems to be a very clear reason why Mark and I were unable to have a baby.  Can you imagine if we did have children right now?  I feel very lucky to have someone out there lookin out for me and taking care that I don’t do something I’ll regret forever.  Albeit I certainly haven’t been happy about it most of the time…

So this is it.  No more BabyBound.  At least not for now.  I hope that I can someday find a man that will love me the way I deserve to be loved.  And I will devote myself to that man as much as I did Mark.

What do you guys think?  Should I change my blog name?  New topic of convo?

Latest #2

Attention class, I need everyone to pick up your hour glasses and hold them out in front of you.  I said everyone, girl way way in the back.  There.  Now.  Turn it over.

And…here we are.

Mark is starting to become human.  I only say starting because to me, he’s still a really big insane monster that’s storing up all the good feelings of the world in his belly with a lil window so you can see in it, but can’t get anywhere near it without electroshock therapy.  I shall call him anger tubbie.

I’m guessing Mark finally decided that his awesome new life alone kinda sucked.  And that he made a mistake, that lead to another mistake, that then lead to at least a dozen, which cross referenced the first one, and branched off into their own, and so on.  And now he’s all like “o crap” and I’m all like “nah ah” and he’s all like “I’m sorry” and I’m like “too bad”.

Bad behavior has bad consequences.  I told Mark that sorry is a start, but not enough.  That he took this way too far.  He wanted to come home and I said absolutely not.  That he has a lot of growing up to do, trust to earn and feelings to make up for.  This isn’t something that can be easily fixed and at this point I’m not even sure it can be fixed at all.  That while he’s thinking about things in the short term, I’m thinking about them long term.  I need to consider my future, my children (bah!  ahh sigh), myself and that he is not the man I see in that future.  At least not now.  Not this Mark.

No man in my future will abandon me just because they are mad.  They will never leave me to care for their life while they go off and have fun taking a hiatus from it.  No man in my future is going to hang out with losers and junkies and make decisions based on advice that they give them.  Not my man.  Not going to happen.  My man is going to be just that.  A man.

I’m still meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow.  It should be interesting.  I’m not sure what to expect, but at this point, I need to be prepared because over the last few days I have never felt so terrified and upset that I was going to be stranded and left with nothing.  I can’t go forward without arming myself with knowledge.

Do I hate Mark?  Of course not.  I love him.  The Mark I married.  Not man who abandons his wife, takes all the cash and goes clubbing without his ring on.  That man should die in a fire.  Or at least get burned.

Therapy

55 minutes of awkward stress.  We haven’t spoken in days.  Mark is still acting like a child.  Today, the therapist asked to speak to each of us separately.  In the end, it was decided that Mark is going to find somewhere else to stay for a while.  I was not part of this decision.

What the fuck happened?  One minute we were driving to a weekly therapy session and happy and the next we were in a giant fight??  Then 3 days later we’re separating??

I don’t know what to say.

OK no. Seriously now for a sec. Really.

I spent the entire day with my parents yesterday.  Just me, Sandy and them.  We went to lunch, shopped, looked at their new house and swapped design ideas.  I named a video game for my dad (coming out next fall.  Don’t worry, I’ll totally take all kinds o credit for it when its out.)  All in all it was a lovely day.  Sandy had fun, I had fun.

But in case anyone is doing the math, we were short one.  Mark.  He wasn’t there.  Why?  Well that would be because we are in a fight.  Some sort of strange volcano of a fight that gurgled under the surface for quite some time and then spewed its vinegar and baking soda goodness all over the fucking place.  That’s right folks.  Its messy and I am not even sure yet if I have the right cleaning products.

I don’t want to fight with Mark.  I don’t.  But I think this one has been sitting there for a while.  We’re both frustrated and scared and pissed off at all the crap that’s happened to us over the past 2 years and we haven’t ever fought it out. I blame him fer stuff, he blames me fer stuff.  We keep stuff to ourselves.  And BLAM.  I’m now covered in fake volcano goo.

I’m not sure how it will end up.  I’m a little scared that this fight is bigger than me.  Mark has held in years of anger.  Not even all of it towards me.  But I’m a great dart board and he’s throwin.  (and for anyone who doesn’t get me, Mark is not actually throwing darts or any other projectiles in my direction.  There is no need to call anyone.)

It started out with yelling.  Then Mark was “moving out”.  Then Mark was going to do “whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and not be married anymore”.  Then there was a little more yelling.  Right now?  There’s a lot of silence.  Not talking.  Not spending one second in the same room with one another.

Fights are normal right?  Everyone fights.  Mark and I rarely fight.  And this is one helluva crazy big fight.  I’m not at all happy with Mark’s attitude or reactions.  He’s clearly not good at this.  I’m trying not to get too engaged in his insanity.  Its hard.

They’re normal.  Everyone fights.           …Right?


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