Posts Tagged 'crap'

O wait. We need to talk about something else.

Today is my Grandpa’s funeral.  Did you all forget about him?  You did right?  Its ok.  Its my fault.  I can’t seem to spread my crapness out evenly.  I’m sorry.  I’ll work on it ok?

I am going to be spending the next 4 days down with my family.  We have the funeral, a memorial, a burial, some sort of party, a church service, probably a circus and I think I heard something about a concert?  I’ve been referring to this extravaganza as funeralpalooza.  I mean really?  4 days?

I plan on being the drunk in the corner the whole time.  Who’s going to stop me?  And if they do?  O well wont they feel pretty foolish when I bark back with tails of my husband leaving me for no reason and divorce.

…I said I’d work on separating out the crap.  Its a process.


…A little help over here

Today has been a moment of weakness.  I’ve been wavering all day.  Sad.  Crying.  Pathetic.  Questioning.

Today I have felt as if this whole divorce is a mistake.  Which I logically know is not the case.  I logically know Mark isn’t capable of being a decent husband and has really turned out to be a loser who can’t love anyone.  Logically I know that this is just going to suck for a while until we are no longer living under the same roof but will get better when its all over.  Logically.

Emotionally, I’m broken.  Emotionally I feel as though we have already been through so much and we’ve concured all of it.  We’ve been strong and fantastic through so many of life’s most impossible moments and we’ve never stopped loving each other.  Emotionally, I love him and just want my Marky back.  Emotionally.

I’m a disaster yes.  I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel confident.  And most importantly, I have no chocolate.

Divine Intervention

The ball is rolling.  Realtor has been contacted.  Attorney is being consulted this afternoon.  Wheels are in motion.  I want to get this over with as quickly as possible and with as few scars as possible.  Mark made his bed and I am not at all satisfied with his bed making abilities so therefore I need to find someone who does hospital corners (ok no I don’t.  I hate hospital corners but you get the idea).

In an effort not to give Mark any form of documentation that could bite me in the butt, I’m not going to discuss it here.  This blog has always been about me, for me, and to help me.  I’ll definitely have stuff to say, but dragging Mark through the dirt here while we’re in legal negotiations kinda seems like a bad idea.

As fucking horrible as all of this is, I do to see that this has the makings of a divine intervention.  Of course I’m still a baby killer and will continue to have issues with fertility moving forward, but there seems to be a very clear reason why Mark and I were unable to have a baby.  Can you imagine if we did have children right now?  I feel very lucky to have someone out there lookin out for me and taking care that I don’t do something I’ll regret forever.  Albeit I certainly haven’t been happy about it most of the time…

So this is it.  No more BabyBound.  At least not for now.  I hope that I can someday find a man that will love me the way I deserve to be loved.  And I will devote myself to that man as much as I did Mark.

What do you guys think?  Should I change my blog name?  New topic of convo?

Wanna know how to make Mother’s Day even more worster?

Drink way too much the night before so you have a hangover, end your marriage and then get bit by a dog.

Worked for me.

I’m grumpy can anyone tell?

Hey guys.  World out there.  People I don’t know.  What’s up?

So ya know Mother’s day is comin up.  Yeah.  I know right?  How the heck did another whole year go by and not a single attempt to be a mom was accomplished?  Jesus.  Its so nice of us to have little reminders to help keep us well aware of our failures.

Mother’s day is a tough one for me this year.  Last year I wasn’t speaking to my family so I was able to just brush on by it like it didn’t even happen.  It was still a bit of a sting, but I got over it pretty quickly.  But this year?  Well this year my family wants to get together and have a big ole Mother’s day brunch.  And by brunch, I mean crapfest 09′ complete with all the Mom’s getting spacial treatment and all the non-Mom’s (me) doing all the work.  Its really just an excuse to point out that I am broken.  “Hey let’s call attention to the infertile and make her our slave!”  Fucking great.

Its not that I don’t think Mother’s deserve a special day or that my Mom shouldn’t get to have a lovely day where her daughters show her appreciation.  I absolutely do.  Its just that it doesn’t feel like that to me when I am asked to “host” the brunch, cook the brunch, clean up before an after the brunch, take the picture of all the Mom’s – because well I’m the only one that can’t be in the picture so I might as well take it, make sure all the Mom’s are happy, buy gifts and cards, and spoil the shit out of a bunch of woman who seem to have no regards for my feelings.  I fucking hate Mother’s Day this year.

They know now.  They know about my baby killing abilities.  They know I’m not just some hardened bitch who hates children.  Why continue to punish me as if I am?  I mean it was one thing when they didn’t know.  It sucked, but I couldn’t blame them.  But they do know now.    And to top it off, I have my fucktard of a husband and my dying Grandpa (who is still alive btw) to help enhance the crapness.

It would be nice if I could get just a little recognition for the insane level of effort I have put into being a Mom.  WAY more than any of them I might add.  I’ve spent as much as they did to raise me to adulthood before even having a child to impart all my wisdom on.  This is the time when a good husband would go buy me a special gift from Sandy and Monster.  Just to help me stay in perspective and make the day a little less full of shitness.  But that wont happen.  Which will just make me even more annoyed.  Which will just make me question why I’m even trying to work things out with him.  Which will just make me question everything in my life.  And well?  There’s pretty much nothing good that can come from that.

A week of crap and poop. O and the dog is sick too.

Who me?  Where have I been you ask?  Uhh.  We got stuck in traffic?  We ran out of gas?  I woulda called, but my cell phone died?  I’ll be better next time.  Promise.

Truth be told, its been a rough week around here.  Work had layoffs.  Sandy had a competition with herself to see which one grossed Mommy out more, sick runny crap on the white rug or barf on the jute rug.  Barf won btw.

Monday sucked donkey testicles and I haven’t been able to perk up since.  Layoffs suck the life out of everyone.  If you get let go, you’re obviously screwed (and have it worse.  Yes.  You definitely have plenty to complain about and I wont take that away from you).  If you don’t, there’s a lovely combination of “what if there are more” and “why did I get spared”.  Joyous fun for all.  Since I regularly partake in the experience of freaking the fuck out about losing my job, this hasn’t dampened my spirits.  No no.  I’m still whole heartedly involved in full fledged freak out at all times.

I do have one lil funny story to tell about my weekend at band camp with my mom.  We went to Napa this weekend (which I will report on later).  On Sunday morning when we were getting ready, I took out my bcp.  My mom, looking rather puzzled, said “why are you on birth control?”  to which I said with a sense of condescension and disgust “well duh.  I’m trying to have a baby??  Did you forget that??  I suppose you think Mark and I have sex too.  Silly normal person.”.  Ahhh sigh.  I’m just downright Hi Larious aren’t I?

Top 3 reasons today sucked big donkey balls

3.  I saw a man have a heart attack in front of me on the way to work, got kicked off my MUNI and had to walk to work.

2.  After work, came home to a husband that was crying uncontrollably and cannot explain why.  More than a little freaky from a man that isn’t exactly emotional.

1.  Once husband finally fell asleep, checked messages.  My Grandmother had a stroke this morning.  I didn’t get the call.  I didn’t hear the phone.  I had 2 messages over 9 hours ago.  It took me 9 hours to call and find out what happened.  She’s in the hospital.  Nobody really has answers right now. Am worst person in the entire world.  Probably deserve all that happens to me now.

All in all.  Pretty fucking craptacular day.  Not sure how the weekend is going to end up.

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