Posts Tagged 'bad news'

Let’s take inventory shall we?

I’m all over the place.  Relieved, sad, devastated, bored, scared, petrified, lonely, fat, tired, exhausted, sick of talking, bloated, hungry, sick, nervous, alone.

But not happy.  The one thing I am not is happy.  This may have been the right thing to do.  It was.  But nothing about it represents joy.

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Le Grande Gesture

First we’re up, now we’re down.  It seems as though Mark has decided that he’s in charge here.  Ahhh sigh.  Men.  He has swung in the other direction again and “isn’t happy with the way he’s being treated”.  Because he’s 13.

Being treated?  You mean the fact that I actually answered a phone call from the lying SOB that walked out on me?  Or the fact that I agreed to go to the dog park with him assuming that this was a small gesture – when in fact it was nothing more than an errand to the dog park.  Or how about the fact that I actually showed up to therapy against my own better judgement in the hopes that there would be signs of progress.

I need the grand gesture here.  This man fucked up big time.  When you walk out on your wife, you can’t take that back.  Its there.  It will always be there.  And what do men do when they fuck up?  They buy stuff.  They try.  They apologize.  The kiss our ass.  Where is my kissing of the ass and diamond upgrade?  Why do I not qualify here?  I’m still getting “well this is as much your fault as it is mine” bullshit. This man should be kissing my fucking ASS.  And believe me, its plenty big.  He couldn’t possibly miss it.  I mean at the very least he should pick up the damn phone if I call.  Like immediately.

Sure there are two sides to a story.  And of course I play a part in this.  No I’m not perfect and yes I’ve done things that have fueled Mark’s anger here.  But until he actually communicates with me, how the fuck am I suppose to know?  I’m not a mind reader.  And I can’t fix this.

I’m afraid that we’re at a crossroad here.  One that doesn’t have happy endings in either direction.  Mark clearly doesn’t get it.  He doesn’t see how horribly fucked up he has been.  He doesn’t appreciate anything I’ve ever done for him and isn’t showing any signs of caring about me at all.  Quite frankly, he doesn’t seem to care much about anything other than getting to be back in his house.  I am forced with either putting up with his crap and letting this go or filing for divorce and losing everything I have (trust me, this economy is no time to be splitting up nothing).  Awesome.

That boy aint right

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  And a lot of crying.  And?  A lot of listening.

Listening isn’t something I expected to be doing, but it just so happens to be all I get to do.  Listening to stories about Mark going to clubs, Mark hanging out with drug addicts, Mark not talking with his sponsor in months, Mark lying to be about where he goes, what he does and who he’s with.  All the time.  Basically, I’ve been listening to all these lovely stories about this disgusting example of a man.  And wow.  Bonus.  I married him.

At first, him leaving seemed absolutely devastating.  And now?  Well now it feels like thank God.  Mark is so obviously sick.  Whether he’s drinking again, doing drugs, or just switching his addiction to lying, he’s sick.  I can’t fix him.  And I’ve really been through enough with him.

Out of respect for the fact that Mark never asked to be blogged about, I’ve refrained from discussing him as much as possible.  Although obviously by the amount of Mark talk on my blog, I clearly need to look up the word refrain.  I’ve tried to keep this blog about me.  Not Mark.  Not his alcoholism, depression, and anxiety disorder.  All things I have stuck by him through.  I supported his recovery.  I did whatever it took to make sure he was getting the care and love he needed.  I’ve pretty much been slammed against a wall.

Guess I’m gonna have to start shaving my legs and waxing my vagina again.

I suck at hiding I think.

OK I kinda had to come out of the cave.  It got really smelly in there.  I’m blaming the unruly bat that kept farting all night.  Stupid bat.

I don’t even know quite how to say thank you to everyone for all the comments.  Its unbelievably amazing to me that the world is full of complete strangers that know exactly what to say when you need them.  My friends aren’t even that good to me.  Nothing can make a girl feel better than being popular right?  Dude.  You made me feel like I was the most popular cheerleader in school.  I almost got the courage to call that skinny bitch on MUNI out and tell her she’s fat and ugly and nobody wants to hear her phone conversation.  But I didn’t because I remembered that I am only virtually cool (for one post only) and lost my confidence.  She could still send me back into the cave with one look up and down let’s be real.

And just because there’s simply nothing funnier than dogs wearing clothes, I give you – Sandy in my sweatshirt:

And if it bothers you that I have tortured such an innocent little animal with horrible embarrassment, watch it again.  See?  That’s funny shit.

I’ll update later on the holy christnuckels shitstorm of my life….

I’m annoying. Sorry.

Sorry.  No picts of that horrid costume.  Just know that after several walks through the car wash and a sandblaster, the glitter has all been extracted from my pores.

Ugh.  On a different note.  I know something.  Something very good.  Something very very juicy.  But something that would absolutely ruin people if leaked.  Change a whole gaggle of lives.  And honestly?  I really wish I didn’t know.

Its not hard to keep secrets.  While I am known through a few circles as a gossip, anyone that really knows me knows their secrets are safe with me.  Big ones.  Secrets that matter.  I am never out to ruin people’s lives and frankly find it less daunting to get involved.

But this time its different.  This one seems dangerous.    It effects me.  I’m an innocent bi standard of the secret.  And its becoming increasingly difficult to pretend I’m unaware of the issue.  I can’t even blog about it.  (And for those of you out there with access to my contact info, don’t bother trying.  I’m not spilling it.)

I realize this is a very annoying post.  I’m doing it.  I’m teasing you.  I’m sorry.

But I can’t get it out, and this is the closest I can get.  I think this gossip is bad.  Its serious.  It wasn’t at first, but its starting to get there.  And I’m a bit worried that I’m not at all prepared to handle it.  I don’t have defenses for this.  Crap.

And now that I’ve sufficiently annoyed everyone, I’ll stop.  I just needed it to be known – however completely vague and lame as it is – that I do know what’s up.  And I take it very seriously.  Not cool man.  Not.  Cool.

Top 3 reasons today sucked big donkey balls

3.  I saw a man have a heart attack in front of me on the way to work, got kicked off my MUNI and had to walk to work.

2.  After work, came home to a husband that was crying uncontrollably and cannot explain why.  More than a little freaky from a man that isn’t exactly emotional.

1.  Once husband finally fell asleep, checked messages.  My Grandmother had a stroke this morning.  I didn’t get the call.  I didn’t hear the phone.  I had 2 messages over 9 hours ago.  It took me 9 hours to call and find out what happened.  She’s in the hospital.  Nobody really has answers right now. Am worst person in the entire world.  Probably deserve all that happens to me now.

All in all.  Pretty fucking craptacular day.  Not sure how the weekend is going to end up.


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