Fail

OK.  Frankly I’ve been a terrible blogger in 09′.  I know this.  It’s hard to stay positive and upbeat when you’re life is turning into a big pile of donkey shit.  What started out as a blog about trying to have a baby has kinda become a place where I store all my venting about my happy happy hell.  Having a baby has become so far off into fantasy land that it isn’t even remotely recognizable anymore. Somebody probably turned that light off years ago to conserve energy.  I’m really hoping that can count as me being “green”.

I strangely take comfort in knowing that the rest of the country is in an economic hell with me.  We’ve all come to play at the same party and somehow found ourselves locked in the basement where the scary S&M shit is going on.  I’d really love to be let out now please.  You’ve scared the hell out of me and I have been sufficiently scared for life.  Thank you.

I spend at least 60% of my day telling myself how happy I should be about the things I still have.  My house, my dog, my health, my family, bla bla bla.

Then there’s 30% of stuff I have to just kinda laugh off.  No baby, no job, a banking nightmare, a fat ass…

But just when you thought I was horrible at math, no.  10% of my day is spent freaking the fuck out curled up in a corner crying.  In a dark room.  With damp walls.  And a clown laughing at me relentlessly in the corner.

Its that 10% that we will be focusing on today.  For some strange reason, its that 10% that has me paralyzed with sadness these days.  While I’m sure there is plenty about the other 90% that outweighs it, it’s this last 10% that I can’t stop thinking about right now.

My husband is a bipolar alcoholic and has turned into a selfish, all consuming child as of late.  He lies.  He manipulates.  He yells.  O sure there are good things about him, but I am really having a hard time finding them anymore.  Nobody else is allowed to be depressed when he is.  Everyone else has to be responsible and thrifty and careful because he simply wont be.  He’s a child.  Not a husband.  He wants a mother.  Not a wife. (O and anyone concerned with him seeing this, don’t be.  He has never been supportive of my blog.  Never reads it.)

He hasn’t had any respect for me or our marriage for a rather long time.  Its been hard.  I think I’ve been trying to tell myself that its temporary and that we’re just going through rough stuff, but common.  Things are hard for both of us these days but you’d never know it by observing the unbelievable attention and support that Mr. Babypants has been requiring lately. At the mere suggestion to his horrible behavior he goes bananas.  He gets manipulative and mean.  Then says crap like “leave then if you want to.  I can’t make you stay.  You’re the one that wants to go.  Then go!”

This last 10% has me all consumed.  I actually don’t exactly know what to do to fix it.  I know what some of you might say.  Leave him.  That’s not as easy as it sounds. I can’t change him.  I know this.  I don’t even want to.  He did the changing.  This isn’t even close to who I married.  He doesn’t even look the same.  And he took up smoking??  Who the hell takes up smoking in their late 30’s?  Really.  Who does that?  Especially when you know your wife loathes it.  And wants to have a baby someday.  See?  Completely self absorbed.

There have been no flowers, or nice gestures.  No selfless acts.  No making up for any of the insurmountable crap he’s put me through.  No meaningful “I’m sorry”s.  He figures that since he doesn’t think I’ll care he wont even try.  No effort at all.  No respect.  He’s just turned into a lazy child who wants to be taken care of and coddled and do absolutely nothing in return to show his appreciation.

I don’t know guys.  Things are bad enough.  I’m starting to think that a huge part of all this sadness is based on my bad decisions to stay with this man.

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7 Responses to “Fail”


  1. 1 Ken Kendall September 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Wow! This is exactly how a husband should never be. I am so sorry.

    I just started blogging myself. I blog about how a man should be as a husband. I would love for you to take a look at it and give me your comments and feedback.

    http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

    Thanks,

  2. 2 anne nahm September 5, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    I’m so sorry. What a sucky year.

  3. 3 Alex September 5, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Wow…you’ve had a rough go of it lately. Been lurking for a while but just wanted to offer some support even though I haven’t been through anything that you have, so I can’t relate. But I feel for the strain your under, and hope it gets better soon. One way or the other. My instinct says get out now and get of fast. But…not being in your shoes, its easier said than done I suppose. The smoking would be the icing on your already craptacular cake I’d think.

    Take care of yourself.

  4. 4 meg September 6, 2009 at 6:09 am

    Ugh I am sorry. I was thinking things were a bit better. I hope things turn around for you soon. At least 09 is almost over!

  5. 5 singletracey September 10, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    blah… Im sorry.. seriously… I was wondering if he was better .. I guess I was hoping he was better…. It just sucks and I hope clarity comes to you soon…

  6. 6 Andie September 11, 2009 at 2:27 am

    I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I thought you guys were on the up. Just wanted to lend some support and send a hug. Thinking of you.

  7. 7 kimberly September 14, 2009 at 8:44 am

    I am not so good about commenting, I mostly lurk – but I wanted to drop in and say thinking of you, sending support.


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