Mommy what’s a period?

I got an interesting text today.  It was from my friend asking me to help her figure out how to tell her almost 7 year old daughter what a period is.  I believe her exact words were:  “what do you think is the best way to explain a period to a 6 year old (almost 7)?  I’m Racking my brain.”

Que 14.8 minutes of pure, barrel roll laughter.

Me???  You want me to help you with this?  Am I really the best source of information for something like this?

Well?  She asked for it.  To the classroom!

What the fuck is that red stuff: 101

Good afternoon class.  I hope you all enjoyed your little break from sexual education.  Have you all had a chance to practice the baby making?  I certainly hope so.  Anyone preggers?  No?  O well, rinse and repeat girls!  Rinse.  And.  Repeat!

Today’s class is a lesson on how to tell your pre-pubescent daughters why mommy is hemorageing out of her vagarnicle.  A scary prospect at best.  While this may seem like an awkward topic of conversation that is best saved for never when she’s a bit older, you know your little ones are wondering.  I mean who hasn’t had to change a tampon with their young daughter sharing a stall with you at the airport because its just the two of you and you certainly aren’t letting her hang out in an international convention of germs.  Am I right ladies?  Well…ok you caught me.  Me.  I have not had to do that.  I don’t have a little girl.  You happy now?!?

…wait.  What just happened?  Crap let’s just keep going.

What is a period?  A period is just God’s little way of saying fuck you 12 times a year.  (If you’re lucky enough to have a regular cycle which I am still not convinced is real.  Most of us just get to enjoy a few extremely long and tourchurous fuck you’s that kinda all blend together into pretty much the entire year altogether.)

You see, when you become a teenager, and you’re lucky enough to get to go to camp with boys or be in a dance recital, you’ll get blessed with what will be the first of many many years of periods.  If you happen to be wearing white jeans at the time, it just means you are an extra lucky little girl.  God hates you the most.

So how does a period work you ask?  Well.  Believe it or not, all us chicks have a ton o eggs in our bodies that are just waiting to be grown by drugs and then extracted surgically by doctors to make babies.  It’s true!  These aren’t like chicken eggs.  They’re more like fish eggs – although I certainly don’t suggest topping your amuse bouche with them.  These eggs are for baby makin.  Something you can learn more about here.

Just because it makes absolutely no sense at all, you’ll start releasing these eggs when you’re about 12 or 13.  Nowhere near ready to have a baby.  But I guess that’s just so we can get a ton of practice feeling like crap, not fitting into anything you own and driving everyone around us crazy.  I still haven’t quite figured out why any of us need practice at that but hey, who am I to argue with God right?  Because you still have a few decades years on you before you even start to think about children practice eggs are just gonna wash right out of your body.  No biggie.  You wont even feel it.

Here’s where it gets a lil interesting though.  When that egg comes out, it brings some of your blood with it like a nice looooooong trail of excited celebrity followers.  (Now you see why the white jeans are so important?) The blood comes out slowly, not like when you pee.  It will keep draining out anywhere from 3 to 45 days.  Nice.  And slow.  Just keep coming.  For what seems like forever.  You will hide from your friends.  You might even lose a boyfriend or two.  You will snap at your parents and get grounded.  That’s not the point.  The point is, you will just keep bleeding.  Forever.  For the egg.

And then you’re done!  You get to take a lil break and go through it all over again in a month or two or six.  Never forgetting how “awesome” it is to be a girl.

Since you are only 6 little lady, we’ll just leave it at that.  Do you have any questions?

….As your daughter gets little bit older we’ll go into cramps, o fuck I missed one! situations, and completely fucking crazy bitch moods.  But for now, let’s just stick to these basics.


4 Responses to “Mommy what’s a period?”

  1. 1 b August 14, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Wow, so you’re the new go-to girl huh? I’ll keep that in mind. Who knows..we may “luck” out and get a girl bebe. In the meantime, do you handle questions about ball rashes? My son wants to know. He thinks you should have to answer his questions too..otherwise it’s discrimination.

  2. 2 InfertileNaomi August 19, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    A period is something I do not want to see every month.

  3. 3 Brayden September 5, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Ya when I get my period it hurts
    like hell. My legs also hurt

  4. 4 hobo June 21, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    periods are hot

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