Its gonna be the party of the century

Everyone inside my computer has really worked their booty’s off to lift me up.  And well?  You did.  I am so grateful for all the interesting perspectives and I really do like hearing any point of view here – even if it isn’t the same as mine.  Despite what Mr. Boy has to say, I’m not always right and the more point of views I can hear, the better I can be about forming my own opinion.  (Its called research, fucker.  People that do it, have stronger opinions that aren’t based on spontaneous bursts of emotion.  You should try it sometime.)

Today I am at a bit of a low.  This whole situation seems pointless to me.  I’m spinning my wheels trying to get Mark to actually take some responsibility and show me that he actually cares enough to want to make up for what he’s done.  He’d rather just blame me so that we can be on an even playing field here, but I am never going to see it that way.  I need to see him change.  I need the grovelling.

No matter how mean he thinks I am, or how horrible my personality is, at the end of the day,  he married me for a reason. I never left him.  I never abandon him.  I was always here through all of his setbacks, illnesses, problems, etc.  I never ever let that small window of doubt seep in and make him feel alone and scared.   He married me because of my personality, and my loyalty and my strength and he has always been able to count on the fact that I am here.  No matter what.  Sadly, he couldn’t give me the same peace of mind and for that, he should be sorry.

Whether he likes it or not, he is going to have to pay a price for this.  Period.  That price is either going to be to suck it up and grow up, or to lose me, his life, and every bit of respect from everyone around him.  Both choices suck for him, but my choices suck too.  Too bad.  Grow the fuck up.  Lock your pride up in the closet with your stubborn suit and put on that cute vulnerability onsie.  Its literally the ONLY way back from this into my life.  Pride has no seat at this table.

I’m going to completely avoid any contact with him for now.  I need a break from the beating.  I’m obviously completely open to apologies, flowers, groveling, public displays of remorse, 3 carat diamonds, etc. but holding my breath for that might end in a hospital stay and an oxygen mask.  Those things leave really nasty red lines on your face though so I’ll stick with avoidance and plan myself a pity party.


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