This is so much harder than it looks.

Happy Easter and all that crap.

Today was hard.  Really really hard.  I went to my parents this weekend for the holiday and everyone today asked me:  “Hey where is Mark”.  To which I replied:  “O he’s sick”.  Which I pride myself on being honest about because frankly, he is sick.  In the head.  My grandma pushed further and wanted to know if it was related to his hand, and if he was ok, and if I had talked to him this morning, and if I was bringing home some of the food for him, and if I was worried about him.  Ouch.  That hurt.  I’m barely holding it together as it is.

Then while we were all sitting around the table, the whopper of a stabbing hit me right between the eyes when I wasn’t expecting it.  And from a source that I would never have guessed.  Favorite Aunt.

Somehow the topic of there being more boys than girls at the table came up.  Why?  Hell if I know, my family talks about all kinds of strange crap.  Fav Aunt got really loud and said to my sister, “Now sister, there are too many boys here.  You need to get to work and make some girls.”  <cue dead silence and confusing stares>  Sister replies: “Umm, why don’t you bug someone else about that.  This baby house is closed.  But I’m not the only woman of fertile age at the table.”  <cue more confusion, more awkward silence and a lot more uncomfortableness from fav Aunt, Mom and Dad…o and me>

No matter how much my sister and grandmother pushed, nobody would say it to me.  Nobody.  It was way fucking worse than just letting it go and laughing it off.  I actually felt myself become a white elephant.  I even think my nose got longer right there at the table.  My sister and grandmother have no idea about Mark being gone or my infertility.  So they did what made sense.  But fav aunt never should have brought this up.  Just reminded me that I am now alone, baron, and sad.  And it doesn’t even matter if they felt awkward because Mark left me, or if its because I can’t have babies.  Both fucking suck.  And both make me want to check out cutting, or crack.  Or both.

I left early.  I really miss Mark.


2 Responses to “This is so much harder than it looks.”

  1. 1 singletracey April 13, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Ok.. so I hadn’t checked on you in a couple of days and now I see I was bad bad bad for doing that.

    I don’t even know what to say besides, if you need someone to vent to, to drink with or drive you home night when drink too much with a bunch of friends, you can call me and I will be right there for you chickie..

    Im sorry your going thru this.. fuck.. really sorry.

  2. 2 mkwewer April 13, 2009 at 7:05 am

    I’m so sorry about this…it’s like pouring salt into an open wound, I know. Mark’s leaving is not your fault and I know that it’s hard to believe that right now but you didn’t do anything wrong..I’m so sorry…

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