Moving on.

Where the hell have I been you ask?  Well?  I guess I don’t really have a good answer for that at all.  I’ve been here.  Last week would have been Ashley’s 2nd birthday.  That kinda took up my thoughts for a lot of the week, but I was trying really hard not to get all obsessed with it.  I know some might say I have a right to, but I just don’t want to.  You can’t move on if you’re stuck in the past and I want to have a good life AD.

That wasn’t meant to piss anyone off.  Some people definitely feel differently and that’s ok with me.  I just have a very hard time dwelling forever.  I do dwell for sure, but do I want to be celebrating Ashley’s 30th birthday all sad and wishing she was here?  No I don’t.  I hope that at that point I will be celebrating an alive birthday with an alive child/adult.  One who has filled my life with a ridiculous amount of joy and pain – teenagers – and made me feel full.  I want nothing more than to look forward to that rather than dwell on what is not.

That doesn’t mean I am not sad or don’t feel robbed.  Of course I do.  And I miss her.  And I wish I met her.  And I want to have that 2 year old little girl here right now.  But I think that part of healing is moving on.  And I’d like to think that is what I am doing. Right or wrong, this is my plan.

So that was my week last week.  While I was thinking quite a bit about my baby, I also got to think about the baby shower that was planned for Thursday at work.  Awesome right?  Well lucky lucky me, it got moved to tomorrow.  And as my luck is clearly overflowing these days, the pregnant mom to be actually went into labor today and the shower is canceled altogether.  I completely dodged that bullet!!

I should probably run out and buy some lottery tickets and have sex with my husband like normal people in hopes of making a life…

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5 Responses to “Moving on.”


  1. 1 The Mother Hen February 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I say hell yes to both of those ideas. If for no other reason than to make yourself feel better.

    On the moving on front. It’s healthy, your approach is healthy for you, for someone else it will be different. Do what feels right.

  2. 2 babysmiling February 23, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Phew! on the dodged baby shower. Would not have been good timing.

    Thinking of you and Ashley.

  3. 3 Cara February 24, 2009 at 11:27 am

    That is the astounding thing about the grieving process we all endure. It is OURS and ours alone – even though the loss may be similar to someone elses.

    Thinking of you!

  4. 4 Andie February 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

    Sending hugs for Ashley’s birthday :). I think it’s great that you’re moving on – like the other commenter said, everyone has their own way of dealing with it and healing.

    Excellent news on the baby shower dodging!

  5. 5 Andie February 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

    Sending hugs for Ashley’s birthday. I think it’s great that you’re moving on – like the other commenter said, everyone has their own way of dealing with it and healing.

    Excellent news on the baby shower dodging!


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