Game over

I’m completely defeated at this point.  It went from fucking horrible to angels in the sky laughing their asses off at me while I cry and making bets on how long it will be before I snap/give up.  My money is on 12:30.

I guess I should explain.  Originally we were told that one of Mark’s recent medications was the cause of his sterility.  That we needed to consult with his doctor to hopefully put him on something else immediately.  That hopefully this would help to reverse things and in 3-4 months, we could test again and go from there.  Still horrible fucking news because as I sit here in the middle of crazyland, the last thing I wanted to hear was that there were even more things stacked against me.  And being put on hold when I finally got the courage to get back in the race is nothing short of devastating.

O no folks.  That totally wasn’t the end of it.  That is only the beginning.  Pull up a seat.

Turns out, Mark wasn’t on nearly a high enough dosage to cause any sort of problems.  That this new found spermless adventure that we’re on could be caused by something much greater.  Permanent.  What was once an issue that could be solely attributed to yours truly may have just grown up into a big girl version of craptastic fuckedness.

I can’t do this.  I can’t.  Years of pain and suffering only to be knocked out in the 800th round.  Then kicked.  Then stabbed repeatedly.  Then peed on by clowns.  While everyone laughs.  And people mock.  I can’t do it.  I give up.

I wish I could say something funny right now.  That’s kinda my thing.  But I can’t.  I’m not in that place.  I’m barely here.  My life basically flashing before my eyes.  Pathetically unable to function without tears.  Unable to get past this.  In the cave.


30 Responses to “Game over”

  1. 1 Heidi January 8, 2009 at 11:44 am

    All of my love. The biggest hugs I can muster. Tight squeezing hold you close while you cry hugs.

    and an offer to be on the other end of the phone. heidimingo at gmail dot com

    send me your phone number, or request mine. even if you just want to hear someone breathing on the other end.

    hugs. love. tears. for you.

  2. 2 anne nahm January 8, 2009 at 11:44 am

    I am so sorry. Also, “peed on by clowns” made me laugh even as I was wearing my despair face for having read your post, which sent me into a shame spiral, which smelled like kettle corn and urine. I hope something good comes of this for you, and that the docs know what can be done to fix things.

  3. 3 babysmiling January 8, 2009 at 11:55 am

    I am so sorry.

    Anne is right, “peed on by clowns” is hilarious. Between that and craptastic fuckedness, a post in which you have nothing funny to say kicks most people’s humorless asses.

  4. 4 emilythehopeless January 8, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    i am so sorry {hugs}

  5. 5 meg January 8, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I am sorry. I wish I knew something better to say than that, but I don’t. And I am not very funny, so I don’t even have any good jokes. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

  6. 6 keanetwins January 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Hon, I am so very sorry. Would to be excessively nosey to ask what they think the cause is, then? It’s rather unusual to go from a healthy sperm count to nada. Again, I am so sorry.



  7. 7 Rach January 8, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    I am so very sorry. There is nothing worse than having your dreams squashed before your very eyes at least before, your dreams may have been distant but they were still there.

    Huge big bear hugs to you…..and remember to vent, you need to get it out, cry, yell, scream, whatever works for you, we’re all happy to read and listen….


  8. 8 The Mother Hen January 8, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Even when you aren’t trying to be funny, you just are. This is shitty, no other way to look at it. Come to Hawaii with me. We’ll drink mai-tais. OK so reality, when will they know the true cause and if it’s permanent or not?? Hugs.

  9. 9 Michelle January 8, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    You made me laugh…but I know this has got to be so horrible for you! I am so so sorry. I wish there was something to say to make it better. ((HUGS))

  10. 10 Orodemniades January 9, 2009 at 6:13 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this craptastic news.

  11. 11 mkwewer January 9, 2009 at 7:42 am

    I am so sorry. I’m not going to tell you to keep your head up or be positive or not to give up because I hate that crap. There is nothing I can say except this sucks and I am so sorry that you are going through this. My email is mkwaltz at yahoo dot com if you want to email directly once you leave the cave.

    I do have one quick question though, are the clown wearing scary, menancing faces and laughing or smiling faces while laughing and peeing? I just want to get the visual right…see you smiled a bit, didn’t you?

    Email me if you need to, you aren’t alone in the dark cave, you just can’t see all the people stand beside right now.

  12. 12 Kara January 9, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Peed on by clowns…. Still smiling about that though my heart hurts for you.

    Mkwewer is right…you are not alone in the dark cave, there are lots of us standing right by you. I am here for you also.

  13. 13 breefromprojectkjetil January 9, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Ouch. Triple f#cking ouch. Not fair, and I’m so so sorry.

  14. 14 Betsy January 9, 2009 at 11:17 am

    I’m a first time visitor (here from LFCA), and just wanted to say how sorry I am. My husband was diagnosed sterile a few years back, and it is crushing. There are quite a few blogging ladies dealing with MFI, so if you need anything please ask us. Take care.


  15. 15 Cara January 9, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Here through L and F and struck speechless. (That is not like me by the way!)

    thinking of you as you try to make some semblence of sense of this new turn of events.

  16. 16 Fallopian 'Tudes January 9, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Also here from L&F and I’m just.. wow… what? No. Fuck the world. I am giving it two big middle fingers for you, me, and for everyone out there struggling. And then I’m kicking it. And spitting on it. Then apologizing to it and asking it to bring us all something good. Sigh.

  17. 17 luna January 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I came from L&F to offer my support. it sucks so hard to be kicked senseless while you are already down. I’m so sorry. hope you find your way back up soon.

  18. 18 Journeywoman January 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Hear through L and F.

    So sorry.

  19. 19 Jendeis January 9, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Here from LFCA. I’m sorry. Such a blow, I’m just so sorry. Hoping that things will get better somehow, someway.

  20. 20 Emily January 9, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    I am so, so sorry.

    The pissed on by clowns bit made me laugh too, in spite of the bad news.

    Thinking of you…

    here via LFCA

  21. 21 kj January 9, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    dang. So very sorry that this is happening to you.
    I can’t imagine the pain that you are feeling.
    I truly hope you can find your way out of the cave, somehow.
    {{ hugs }}

  22. 22 'Murgdan' January 10, 2009 at 5:47 am

    I’m so sorry…the hits just keep on coming. When will it stop?
    Here from LFCA–
    Sending you a big hug.

  23. 23 Michell January 10, 2009 at 9:35 am

    I’m so sorry.

  24. 24 Toni January 11, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    I’m so sorry. Please let us know if you need anything.

  25. 25 April January 11, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    arg! this sucks. i am so sorry!!! here from lfca. *hugs*

  26. 26 Andie January 11, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    I am so sorry 😦

    I know it seems like everything is stacked against you right now. I have been in that cave and it is nice and cosy. I agree with all the the other comments — we’re all standing here outside the cave door for you.

    Thinking of you.

  27. 27 b January 12, 2009 at 9:51 am

    I’d leave a trail of vodka filled bottles to lure you out of the cave..but I don’t know that it would be healthy for you.

  28. 28 Leslee January 13, 2009 at 10:12 am

    I am sorry about this news. Azoospermia sucks.

    Hang in there. All the best.

  29. 29 PrincessxShawn January 13, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    I know that you don’t want to hear the ‘come on! you can do it!’ speech. I wouldn’t after hearing news like that. And I know it’s a horrible time for you right now. But truly and sincerly, please don’t give up. If there’s a chance, take it! Even if it does come with clowns with urinal problems and a deep and dark cave thats most likely filled with giant man-eating bats, you know what you want: a baby. Just think, if you stop now, you lose that chance, forever. But if there is still hope, why not take it by the necktie and never let go?
    Rant, scream, cry, do whatever it takes. Just don’t lose hope. We’re all here to hug and hold you, to listen to your cries, to help pick up back up, and push you back on your way.

  30. 30 katie January 14, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    From a fellow recipient of cloud urine I’m with you. I feel you. and I’m so sorry. This is a process that take down to your sole and leaves you with nothing. I have no advise as I know it means nothing I will just say this really sucks ass and your in my thoughts.
    A friend if you need one,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

I'm just a girl with a husband, a dog, a cat, and a bum uterus. Add to Technorati Favorites



%d bloggers like this: