Sophie’s choice

So I recently had a convo with a fellow infertile baby killer about infertility and the choices it forces you to make. That lovely little decision us lucky lucky infertiles get to make between fun/cool/awesome things in life or…a baby. We choose to spend every extra cent on the chance to maybe have a baby of our own, or make a conscious decision to “put that on hold” and have a life. You can’t have both. You have to make a choice. And with that choice, it adds an extra level of guilt/selfishness/inner soul searching that just doesn’t exist in that silly old fashioned family planning I’ve heard so much about. No matter what you think, its simply not the same. Choosing IVF means choosing to lose out on something. And not choosing IVF leaves you feeling almost like you’ve consciously told an embryo that they’re just not worth it yet.

When Mark and I decided to buy a home – a home that we knew we’d have to drop several G’s into right away – what we were basically saying was, we’re choosing a nice house over embryo # 186549B. Some might say this was a pretty fucking selfish choice and exile us to the loser table, but I am pretty darn sure the infertiles out there get it. You simply cannot throw ALL your money into a toilet, flush it, and walk away saying “well, that was fun” for long periods of time and be happy with it. Not even a nice toilet.

But now that we’re done putting together the house of our dreams, that conscious decision to take a break from baby making and invest in something that might actually stick around longer than a 28 day cycle had a surprising consequence. Instead of feeling like we were finally spending our fortune on something tangible, it feels a bit more like cooking in our baby, bathing in our baby, and ew, crapping in our baby?

Its really so stupid. I mean I completely know it is. Never satisfied right? I’m suppose to be grateful for what I have and be smarter than that. Know that we did all this for our family. For our baby. We weighed the pros and cons. Knew we needed a break from baby fun. Knew this was the right choice for us. And I still do believe that. But as we sit here waiting, yet again, for the next window in the atmosphere to throw that IVF word around again, I can’t help but sometimes imagine what it would be like if we were still in our old crappy apartment without this awesome house, but breastfeeding. OK maybe not breastfeeding because I mean really, let’s be serious, that doesn’t sound like exactly the best part of being a mom right? Not bad, but best? No way. We all know the best part of being a new mom is the kankels. Duh.


2 Responses to “Sophie’s choice”

  1. 1 geohde September 1, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Oh there’s better bits.

    They all involve projective-like exodus of various bodily secretions but I’ll leave the details suitably mysterious.



  2. 2 b September 2, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    You needed the house first..where else were you going to bring the baby home to? That city shelter was getting awfully crowded with the crack ho’s and lepers. You HAD to buy a house.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

I'm just a girl with a husband, a dog, a cat, and a bum uterus. Add to Technorati Favorites

These seem to be pretty popular



%d bloggers like this: