If its not in Miss Manners, it doesn’t count as rude.

Sorry, this is rather graphic and might mention my period.  I know.  Shocked.

Now that I’ve safely added space between the doom and gloom of my Vagarnical appointments and this little bit of hilarity that plopped itself in the middle of said appointment, I feel its time to share.

Every gyno office has 6 things.  Doctors, nurses, waiting rooms, pregnant people, children, and lines for the bathroom.   Bathrooms are an essential element required when deciding upon the location of any baby doc.  Why?  Well every pregger has to pee.  A lot.  And every pregger has to pee in a cup at the baby doc.  Its like standard fair.  Get there, check in, pee in a cup.  With all this tinklin, there is usually a line.

My doc office is lucky enough to have not one, not even two, but three bathrooms therefore keeping the lines at a tolerable length most of the time.  For some reason, this day was not most of the time.

While I didn’t have to pee, I did have to remove a piece of protection from my naughty bits for exam.  Eh hem…a tampon.  This was a strategic move on my part because the amount of bleeding that was goin on down there wasn’t something that condoned a lot of waiting around.  Getting in early while the lines were short was simply not an option.  I waited until the last minute as instructed by Miss Flo and then got in the line that wrapped around the building 8 times before it wound its way through the back and fourths of Space Mountain.  Or…had 4 people in it.  Whatever, that’s not the point.

Anywhoo…not sure if she was trying to be helpful or if satin sent her up here for some afternoon entertainment, but Miss Fullofinformation alerted me that there was actually another bathroom by the front door if I didn’t want to wait.  Wow really?  That’s awesome, but why isn’t she using it??  Hmm.

Of course I went to the front door bathroom.  Of course I hadn’t ever seen it before.  I mean its right there at the front door.  Lost behind all that nothing.  This awesome little lu was going to become my new bff for the next several minutes and then I was going to want it to die in a fire.

The toilet was running.  Odd, but who cares.  I’m not doing any crazy business in here.  Just a quick womanly removal.  I should be fine.  (I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say the removal went smoothly)

It was at this time that I noticed that there was no toilet paper.  That’s ok.  I didn’t pee.  I should be totally fine right?  Wait.  No there also seems to be something wrong with the toilet that is far worse than first expected.  In fact.  It doesn’t flush.  Not at all.  Not even a little bit.  Like, the handle is just for show and completely clashes with the big ass tampon I just added to its outfit.  Fuck crap fuck fuck fuck!

Here I am.  In the invisible bathroom that doesn’t work.  Tampon in the toilet.  Toilet paper down somewhere with satin.  Toilet laughing at me with all its running.  O and in case anyone forgot, this toilet is right at the front door.  No getting out of the “who did this??!!!?”.

Well, while there were absolutely no forms of paper whatsoever to be found in this bathroom, there were 10,000 pee cups, a fake plant, lotion, and exactly 2 toilet seat covers.  2.  That should work.  I don’t even think I need to go all Magiver here.  I washed my hands, got myself put back together (and yeah, I’m not afraid to admit that I might have prayed a little) and shoved those 2 covers in that toilet and ran out the door.

Did anyone see me?  I have no idea.  But now that its been documented in the confidentiality of the world wide web, I’m sure it will just go away and never be connected to me.  It should be totally fine right?


3 Responses to “If its not in Miss Manners, it doesn’t count as rude.”

  1. 1 b July 31, 2008 at 9:22 am

    You do know that they have a picture of your face hanging on that bathroom now..right? The caption says..WANTED! MAY BE ARMED WITH BLOODY TAMPONS, DO NOT APPROACH THIS WOMAN. CONTACT THE FRONT DESK IF YOU SEE THIS TAMPON WIELDER ENTERING ONE OF OUR BATHROOMS.

  2. 2 princessxshawn August 7, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    Goodness goodness! Just be glad there wasn’t a string of angry pregnant women banging on the door, screaming at you to get your ass out because they have to go NOW and you were stuck with a bloody tampon in a toilet that doesnt work. 🙂 Now that would have been a sight.

  3. 3 MSDAY, QUERCIANELLAM ITALIA August 18, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    Girl, you’re crazy! Don’t feel bad, I would have done the same thing.

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