Looking back, I think I would have preferred a yellow room

I guess I really should finish blogging it out and really get the good stuff out. The stuff that is actually upsetting me more than the fruit salad – although let’s face it, that pretty much sucks a lot.

I have some sort of new found fear of the gyno office. I wasn’t aware of it, until it dawned on me that I haven’t actually been back to see Doc Vagarnical in 1 year AND waited 3 months to actually deal with my womanly incontinence. Makes sense to those of you praying to remain childless, but anyone seeking motherhood – especially having trouble in this department – that is just a ridiculously long amount of time. I have not been back there since Ashley was vacuumed out of my baby house. 1 quick follow up appointment to make sure they got all of her – and make sure I spend the rest of my life knowing it was a she – and I have been vag cam free for a full year.

I didn’t really think much of this. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I was wrong. I was o so very wrong. Stupid BabyBound.

It all started right at the front door. A line of pregnant woman waiting at the bathroom door to pee in cups. Ouch. That stung a bit, but I’m better than that. Suck it up BB. Suck. It. Up.

Yeah ok. I can do this. I am strong. I have been through worse. Right?

That is….until I’m taken back to the room where all the magic happens. The baby sucking room. The room where my baby briefly called home in a glob of goo sucked into a jar. (is that dramatic enough for you?) As I sat there half naked waiting for the doc, it was all I could do not to burst into tears and/or tinker with the vagina vacuum. This was way harder than I had planned for. And here I am, something clearly wrong with me again, right back at square one. Wow I sure do bleed a lot in this room don’t I? Perhaps the most obvious solution would be to avoid this room altogether?

The nurse walked in and asked “so you’re still bleeding after the proceedure?” Umm…well yeah I guess technically she was correct? But I think those 8 months in between should probably be accounted for. O and thanks for bringing that up btw.

Then as I continued to wait, the room next to me started to beat. Kinda loudly. Like, this place has the worst insulation in all the land and sea. The room next to me contained a doctor, 1 mom to be, 1 dad to be and 1 baby to be. Listening to their baby’s heartbeat for the very first time, the mom and dad were elated, crying, happy, and I pretty much hated them.

O sometimes I just love the irony. And in true BabyBound fashion, I decided that they stole the heart of my baby. Fuck those assholes. Give it back! I wondered if it would be inappropriate to ask them if I could have their baby? I’d trade? I mean sure, mine has to live in a jar for life and probably wont ever say da da, but common, I had that heart first.

Tomorrow I’ll know more about my insides. Making sure they’re all still there. Hopefully I’ll have some sort of answers that don’t include: surgery, cancer, permanent infertility, “you have 2 months to live”, “your mother is here”…. Stay tuned.

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3 Responses to “Looking back, I think I would have preferred a yellow room”


  1. 1 b July 23, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Well hell BB, now i’m all sad. I knew you were avoiding going..but didn’t realize how upset you really were. I’m sorry that you (or any of us really) had to go through this. It’s hard enough to lose our babies, but having to revisit the same places, same doctors afterwards..just hammers the nail into our hearts. Call me when you know something today..or I swear, we will break up.

  2. 2 anne nahm July 23, 2008 at 8:47 am

    I love how honest this is. It takes a lot of guts to write these things. Thinking good thoughts for you.

  3. 3 Emily July 23, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Oh I’m so sorry that sucks. Hope the results aren’t too hard to take. And I’m proud of you for going – it took a lot of balls! (tee hee hee)


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