Anyone got any problems they want to hand over?

My Dad emailed me this weekend. Apparently the world sits rather snugly on my shoulders because everything happening around it has somehow been a result of my actions. My mother’s sadness, the family’s turmoil, everyone’s health, global warming, the war. I’m actually quite important. Do you think the world makes my butt look big?

I’m sad. Really sad. Without going into the details of his rant of pure insanity email, it was completely aw inspiring in its levels of exaggeration and lies. In the words of one infamous coworker, my parents seem to be writing their own version of history. Facts, witnesses, pictures…these are tools used by us silly people. Why bother with such nonsense when you can make up things that fit your side of the story so much better? I mean clearly you can always look better with fake facts right?

In fucking stupid Dad: 101, if you’re really feeling backed into a corner, this is the time to pull out random shit that has nothing to do with anything and throw it back. Like say, if someone says

“why are there no pictures of me up in your house? Its like you forgot I exist”

respond with:

“This crazy competition you have with your sister is ridiculous. Why you insist on fighting with her about everything just shows how immature you are. Your demand for apologies from everyone in your world is only going to leave you isolated and unhappy. Everyone feels sorry for you because you are clearly unstable.”


So basically, its been almost 9 months and they haven’t heard a damn word I’ve said. Haven’t ever stopped to think about anything. Still live in a little place called crazy. They are right. I am wrong. Period. I don’t see this going anywhere.

And here I thought the whole world on my shoulder was bringing out my eyes.


5 Responses to “Anyone got any problems they want to hand over?”

  1. 1 mycowgirlalterego June 9, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Fucking withdraw the troops already. Iraq is waiting for you.

  2. 2 b June 9, 2008 at 7:17 pm

    First of all, your family sucks ass. Second of all..nope..they still suck ass. Too bad we can’t mark e mails RETURN TO MOTHERFUCKING SENDER!!!

  3. 3 kgirl June 10, 2008 at 9:48 am

    A few points:

    1. First of all, your infamous coworker is clearly as brilliant as she is beautiful, funny, not to mention… tall and skinny!

    2. I dont understand why your dad wouldn’t just be honest and tell you that your sisters pictures are up instead of yours because she is the pretty child… (as in “pretty pathetic” for still mooching off your parents) and now he can no longer afford additional photo frames for your pictures.

    3. Unstable. UNSTABLE! I will show you unstable! Trust me, that isn’t a word you should be throwing around mr-dad-wad. If I get all unstable on your ass you are going to wish you had two kids to protect you… oh wait you do… If only you spent the money from filling up your yacht on therapy or professional head-from-ass-removal… Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.

  4. 4 The mother hen June 10, 2008 at 11:52 am

    I doubt they’ll ever get it!
    I learned a long time ago that blood doesn’t make a family. I decided that my family would be my husband and children and those people around who respected and protected them. The rest could all just go to hell.

  5. 5 Emily June 10, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    What’s the saying? Can’t teach old dogs new tricks? Sounds like your family is never going to change, nor are they ever going to sit down long enough to clearly understand what you are saying or feeling, etc. I have no assvice for you other than to say that sometimes the “delete” button can be your best friend when it comes to getting any emails from them. HUGS!

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