Doing my part for the environment

Sometimes I think about the fact that my parents don’t have any idea where I live.  Isn’t that weird?  Yes its completely oddball.  I really can’t imagine not knowing where my own child is.  (Although I’m still waiting for mine to show itself)  Do you think my parents even care?  Let’s run through a scenario shall we?

Mom: Hey honey.  OMG Kathy was totally right.  I woke up this morning and realized that we suck really bad.  We’re like the worst parents ever.

Dad: Yeah that’s so weird because I was talking to God last night in my sleep and he told me that I’m a total asshole for abandoning my child and not even caring enough to try to fix things.  He did say he got a total kick out of my stupidity when I sent Kathy the definition of forgiving.  He thinks I’m a crack up.  But, an asshole.

Mom:  We should really send her like a billion dollars to make up for it.  I know money can’t buy love, but something is telling me she could really use it right now.  I’m getting this strange sense that she has a better use for it than her sister.

Dad:  But her sister needs to go to Hawaii again.  Have you seen her pasty white skin lately???

Mom:  I know I know.  Fuck honey.  How do people do it?  How do people have two children?

Dad:  Well, maybe we should start by just sending her a really nice card.  She’s a total sucker.  Remember that flower arrangement you found on the side of the road and sent to her?  I bet she totally fell for that.  Go check the garbage and see if there is anything resembling a card in there.

Mom:  But wait?  Didn’t we hear that she moved?  Where does she live?  Shouldn’t we know this?  She really should have told us her new address.  She is kinda like a total bitch for making us look bad.

Dad:  O yeah I forgot about that.  Should we try calling again?  I love leaving her those serious business meeting type messages.  I think it really keeps this less personal and more about her and her stupid need for love.

Mom:  Now now.  Didn’t we just decide that she was right?  God told us so remember?

Dad:  But we’re spawns of the devil and don’t even believe in God.  Why do we even bother??  This is way too complicated.  I’m getting a headache.  Let’s just go over to her sister’s house and buy them something.

Mom:  OK.  I mean screw that bitch for not telling us where she lives.  God is totally wrong.  Its always her fault.

Maybe them not knowing where I live is helping to keep my trash consumption low.  Huh.  Not talking to my parents benefits my carbon footprint.   Always a bright side.


2 Responses to “Doing my part for the environment”

  1. 1 b May 31, 2008 at 11:08 am

    You’re absolutely right Kathy. Your family being dicks totally cuts down on the waste that most people just leave lying love, consideration, honesty….. You’re so fucking conservative..totally. Seriously though, it’s their loss.

  2. 2 my cowgirl alterego June 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Definitely their loss, honey. Definitely. What are they going to do when you have a wee one? Will you still suck?

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