The other one.

I cannot figure out what’s going on with me. I have cried like 8,903,931.05 times in the last 3 days. Its like I’m full of baby makin drugs, but those have all worked themselves out of my body long ago. I can’t figure it out, and can’t even stop.

The extra strange part is that I am actually in a good place. Mark and I are finalizing our house purchase and getting ready to start the remodel in a week. Mark got a raise at work. I finally got the approval to double my staff. Mark is doing really well in recovery. We’re starting to feel like we’ve got friends up here. We’re in a good place. I should be feeling good. I don’t. I feel poopy.

With everything going so well for me, why the heck am I such a baby? Well, its that last part. Baby. I am really having a hard time with all the baby stuff. Its been harder than I thought it would be to move on. I love our new house, but I want Ashley to enjoy it. I’m happy that Mark and I are content, but where is Ashely in all this? The house has been a wonderful distraction from Ashley’s due date – thanks again G – but I still can’t help but think about it and cry.

I can’t let Ashely go. But I also don’t want Ashley to be my only child. And even sadder, she wasn’t but I keep forgetting.

When I lost the first twin – we named it smoosh – it was incredibly sad, but we still had the other one – moosh – to help us move forward. All of our thoughts of doubles (and panics of doubles) were faded and we focused on one. It was sad, but I can honestly say I don’t really remember feeling horrible. I had the other one and as long as I was pregnant, I had nothing to complain about. 4 weeks later, one became none. This time, we were blind sided. This time we were not even close to prepared. We figured we had already had the bad part. Who loses both twins? Ahh how naive.

This was all bad enough, but when the doctor felt it was important for me to know this one was a girl, I think this is where my true connection to the tragety of it all kicked in. Moosh became Ashley and 6 months of heart pain (and antidepressants) stopped by for a spell. I can’t get over it. I work with it most of the time. But now that my life has rebalanced itself, I’m even sadder then before.

I think I want to cycle again. I think that’s what my mind is telling me. But I can’t tell if its to distract myself from the sad or if its really what I want. Unfortunately, I can’t cycle right now. Cycling while remodeling is like a banana split and a diet coke. Counterproductive. Have to do one at a time. Ugh. Why do I have to want to cycle so bad when I absolutely can’t? God, why are you fucking with me? Don’t you have someone better to manipulate for your own entertainment?  Perhaps my sister could use a little shitness.  She seems to be lacking in the not getting everything she wants department.  Just sayin…


8 Responses to “The other one.”

  1. 1 preconceivednotions March 2, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    😀 Maybe it is time. It took me 18 months to WANT TO TRY again. Sounds Cliche’ maybe BUT I do understand the grief that HOLDS one back from pursuing the thing that i wanted most.

  2. 3 Emily March 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    I think it’s time to start thinking of your next step. You don’t have to actively do anything about it just yet, but at least start thinking about what you want to do. Perhaps start formulating a plan of some sorts?

    I just think our minds our weird. Just when we think we’ve “gotten over” some hurdles in life, our minds are there to tell us that we still have to take another step forward … or a leap.

    Big hugs though. And as cliche as this sounds, I’ll be around to read your blog as you work through what your next step will be!

  3. 4 mycowgirlalterego March 2, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    sometimes a split and a dc is just what i want for dinner. just saying.

  4. 5 b March 3, 2008 at 10:20 am

    Sorry you’re having a rough time. I think perhaps we should start sketching out some plans for the next IVF.

  5. 6 aradia March 3, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Do I get all philosophical here, or do I just open up my heart a little wider to try to deflect some of the pain you are feeling away?

    Quite personally, I think a remodel AND planning/DOING the next step to get your butt baby-bound is a perfect combo. If you look for excuses to wait, you will always find them. My motto is: What’s one more match stick on the inferno anyways?

    And if ya want, I can go egg your sister’s house or something. Ya know, if it’ll help and all 😉

  6. 7 Deena March 3, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Just the fact that you THINK you are ready to try again is a huge step, don’t discount that. I think it’s great you are thinking about it again…and I am sorry it’s so hard sometimes.
    how long will the remodel take? Cuz 2008 is a great year for IVF!

  7. 8 meg March 4, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Maybe as soon as remodel is over??

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