The sell by date expired.

First of all, I have to preface this post with a bit of clarification on my state of mind.  Right now, I’m all bubbly happy happy joy joy on the outside.  Smiling, joking with people, getting everything around me done.  Done well.  Done on time.  All in all, I look like I’m pretty much on top of the world.

Truthfully, I’m completely the opposite of all of these things on the inside.  I’m incredibly depressed about my baby house.  I’m very frustrated that it has been almost an entire year since my last IVF cycle.  I’m completely out of my mind that we aren’t even doing another cycle any time soon and I’m actually quite terrified of when we do.  I’m mortified really.  What if I kill another one in there??  I’m 0 for 2 as it is!

I think there is a huge part of my subconscious that is finding plenty of things to do to avoid cycling.  Enter project:house, my bad family, now project:remodel.  There seems to be an endless supply of distractions to avoid the painful reality that is an IVF cycle.  I think I’m far too scared to actually go through it again.  I want so badly to, but I’m basically numb with fear.

I started this blog with the intent to focus 100% on my road to motherhood.  I wanted to have an outlet for my pain as well as chronicle my journey as I’ve enjoyed reading so many of yours.  In reality, I feel like such a fraud.  Not one time since I’ve started this blog have we cycled.  Not one time have I been on hormones.  Not one time have I even been to the RE’s office.

I’ve written exactly 212 posts.  None of them about an actual cycle.  None of them revealing any sort of beta info or follicle counts.   Not once in the 212 posts have I had a didlocam enter my vagarnicle (that was for you Anne).  I haven’t been shot in the ass even a little bit in this account of my infertility experience.  I’m basically nothing more then a has-been in a world of people all moving forward while I relish in the past.  I’m incredibly sad that I can’t keep up with all of you.

I want to cycle.  But I’m terrified to.  I want to be pregnant like I’ve seen so many of you accomplish.   I am so damn jealous of you guys.  That’s a horrible thing to say, but its so true.  When I read posts about cycles, I get a little pit that likes to reek havoc on my insides.  I even get a little angry.  This absolutely makes me a horrible person.  I shouldn’t be jealous.  I know this.  I just can’t help it and I know that you all understand.  I want to be part of the club.  Even if its just the cycling club.  I don’t even fit in there anymore.  There simply has to be a statute of limitations on someone’s right to claim the title of infertile.  I think mine expired.

I’m poopy.  I’m a fraud.  I’m not pregnant.  I’m not an infertile.  I’m not cool like any of those things.  I basically suck.


8 Responses to “The sell by date expired.”

  1. 1 Heidi March 1, 2008 at 7:25 am

    You so are not a fraud. If you have been there, or done that, you are now one of the community. I started my blog as a way to give my parents who live a gazzillion miles away about my pregnancy and their grandson’s life. But…that’s not what it is now. There are so many things that we have to be aren’t. It is almost the definition of infertility to me. I intended on being a mother, so far, mission not accomplished.

    Hugs. ANd you DO NOT SUCK.


  2. 2 aradia March 1, 2008 at 7:36 am

    You aren’t a fraud- I think you are our poster child! It’s always a hurry up and wait game. It’s hardest to face what we HAVE to face in order to accomplish our goal, especially knowing that failure is always an option. Your daily Zen was presented by a “can I hide under the bed now” kinda gal.

  3. 3 Hilary (The Trying Game) March 1, 2008 at 8:58 am

    You most certainly do NOT suck.

    The anger and jealousy is TOTALLY understandable. And it doesn’t *completely* go away once you’re pregnant, either.

    You’ll get there when you’re ready, fear and all.

  4. 4 geohde March 1, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    I always found the asnticipation of all the shit that could (and generally did) go wrong in a cycle worse than the cycle itself,


  5. 5 Emily March 1, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    Just so you know, you are NOT ALONE. I’ve been blogging now for a year and not once have I done anything “active” to achieve pregnancy … well, okay. I lie. Hubby & I still have our usual “fun,” but it wasn’t all about baby-making like it used to be. In fact, I haven’t done ANYTHING for four years now; no meds, no testing, nothing. Oh, except for my annual pap; but even then I hated going back to by obgyn.

    Last year, after the 3rd anniversary of my one (and only) failed IVF, I decided to start blogging. Because I knew that, even though I don’t want to go through IVF again, I still had to find an outlet for my anger and frustration over my infertility.

    So, no. You’re not a fraud. And you don’t suck.

    Keep on doing what you’re doing because I certainly enjoy everything that you’ve written!


  6. 6 b March 3, 2008 at 10:15 am

    Ahh sweetie, you’re having such a tough time right now. I wish I could help, or make it better. I can’t though. You don’t suck, and the jealousy makes us both bad people I guess. Your born on date has not expired..unfortunately, you’re still one of us.

  1. 1 Blogiversary « Apron Strings for Emily Trackback on March 1, 2008 at 5:10 pm
  2. 2 Blogiversary | Apron Strings for Emily Trackback on June 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm

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I'm just a girl with a husband, a dog, a cat, and a bum uterus. Add to Technorati Favorites



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