Its all in a name

I was having a chit chat with a friend today about babies.  More specifically, the loss of them.  A friend of hers recently lost a triplet.  The poor thing hung himself in the blinds accidentally.  This completely crushed me and I honestly cannot imagine how this mother is still alive and not living behind a 6″ thick door in a tufted cell room.  This is simply horrible no matter how you shake it and far too many people cannot understand (but inappropriately try).

Its interesting to me.  I lost twins one at a time.  In utero – and I never actually met them, but they still meant everything to me.  Even though this was the most horrible example of how God shows his hatred for me from time to time, there is still a very bewildering part of me that can gauge my situation against this poor woman’s pain and see a vast difference.  Even to me, her’s is far worse.  It makes me wonder how easily we all compare our misery to the misery of others as if it is somehow better or worse then what they went through.   If we need it to be worse to make us feel better, then its worse.  If we need it to not be as bad, then we’re always ready to embellish the situation in our minds to justify our right to dwell longer, harder, better.  All in all, this is some sort of very strange mind game we play with ourselves to comfort our bad days.

The reality of it is that we all hurt the way we need to hurt.  The way we want to hurt.  When Ashley died, I hulled up in room for weeks and barely showered (sorry B).  Was that any worse then what this mother of 3 did?  Perhaps.  Or maybe she is still in that cave and flies are swarming.  I really don’t know and I wont dare compare.  I feel horrible for her.

Even more interesting to me was that my friend said something very comforting.  She had observed that there is no name for a mother who has lost her child.  When a husband dies, you become a widow.  People understand widow.  It connotes emotions we all understand.  When your child dies, you are still a woman.  Sometimes you’re still a Mom.  Sometimes – like me – you never even reached Mom status.   What does that make us?  There is no name for it and without a name, there is no club.  There is no relative feelings.  No way to group us.  Or explain the pain.
Everyone sufficiently confused now?  Good then I have done my job.

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4 Responses to “Its all in a name”


  1. 1 anne nahm February 23, 2008 at 8:59 am

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

  2. 2 geohde February 23, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    I hope your due date isn’t too hard to get through. I found mine pretty darn tough last year,

    J

  3. 3 Meeco February 25, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    i can relate to your pain…going through it right now.

  4. 4 b February 26, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Even I wouldn’t judge you for not showering after going through that. This is hard, and some days are harder than others. I thought about you on your due date, and hoped for a good day for you and Mark.


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