900 months

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average person (male or female) in America lives to be 75 years old. That calculates to a total of 900 months of life.  900 months of great triumph, and unbelievable sadness.  On average.

It’s been 6 months since we lost Ashley. Looking back now, it seems like only yesterday (ok not yesterday, cause yesterday it was raining all day and it didn’t rain at all in July). Six months ago, I didn’t think I would be able to get out of bed again. I was just about ready to change my address to:  1 left side of the bed, down the hall, off the kitchen San Francisco, CA.  I was in so much pain both physically and mentally that life seemed completely retarded. Happiness was something other people had. I was like the poor person wondering through a country club. Completely out of place anywhere and everywhere. It felt as though everything around me was being stripped from me and that I wasn’t going to make it. Thoughts of dieing flooded every lobe in my head daily and I saw no signs of anything lookin up.  Even when I looked straight up at the ceiling!  Note to self, put a sign up there…

Where are we now? Well. Somewhere else. I do get out of bed. I do play well with others. I am a functioning member of society. And I’m O. K. I miss Ashely all the time. I think of her often. But the uncontrollable crying and need for large doses of prescribed narcotics has been deferred. Mother Time has stepped in and taken control of the situation. She’s like the project manager of my life.

Which brings me back to the 900 months. 6 months is only .006% of my life. (is that right??) That is an incredibly small portion of what will make up my life story and yet in that .006%, the largest impact of my life – the death of my baby – resides. Well, at least so far. Wow. I would find it very hard to imagine that on my death bed, at 112 years old at least, I would somehow forget Ashley. Who I took to prom, where I was when Princess Diana died, what we did for my 21st birthday, the name of Britney’s kids.  Yes. All of those are up for grabs in the memory department. But the last 6 months will still be well settled into a large portion of my brain. All the pain, all the highs, the lows, all of it.  It is even quite possible I will remember the exact outfit I had on when having my D&C – black capri’s, white collared t-shirt, black sandals – or what I had for dinner that night – gummy bears.  That is fascinating and sad.

None of us will ever know when life is going to take a giant turn. We will never be able to predict our future 6 months of impact. Some 6 month spans will be mundane. Some will be painful. Some will have very little to show for themselves. And some will end up being the time of our lives.  Not this 6 months.  This 6 months was more of the time of no lives.  Ha!  That made me laugh.  I’m twisted I know.

It’s so hard to imagine that July is just around the corner again.  That seems far away.  But ask me in 6 months and I assure you I’ll be tooting the “wasn’t it just Christmas?” horn.

This is an interesting perspective for me right now.  6 months seems impossibly long.  Yet, as I just explained, its nothing in my 900 months (on average) of life.  Living one day at a time isn’t even going to show up on the radar.  Its a blip.  Tomorrow, yesterday, next Thursday.  Blip blip blip.  I don’t really know what I’m saying other then, bad stuff happens, but if one day is bad, its a blip.  Its not your life.  If an entire 6 months is bad – take BabyBound’s life for example – its still a blip.  Wow.

I’m rambling.  It makes sense to me.  I promise I haven’t been drinking.


5 Responses to “900 months”

  1. 1 b January 26, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Well, I have been drinking Debbie Downer. Sheesh..there went that buzz. You’re not allowed to be deep on Saturday nights. Gosh..don’t you know to clear these things with me?

  2. 2 Mrs D January 27, 2008 at 3:40 am

    That’s important thoughts you are having. I think its brave of you to have such a forward looking attitude. And its a bit of that attitude that I need too. Time is wasted on medical testing that seems to go on forever, but you are right. Its just a blip.

  3. 3 Kelly January 27, 2008 at 7:31 am

    What interesting insight. Really puts it all into perspective. I could use that right now. Thanks!

  4. 4 meg January 27, 2008 at 9:21 am

    That was a deep post, all of it makes sense!

  5. 5 katarinajellybeana January 27, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    The string of blips makes us who we are. Crazy. Sad. Lonely. And us.

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