Happy Infertility Day!

What? Like you didn’t know that this fictitious holiday was tomorrow? O well it is. My holiday. My rules.

Speaking of rules, there are a few pesky little traditions we need to discuss. You know, similar to the Thanksgiving turkey or the 4th of July fireworks. They are as follows:

Infertility day (ID fer short) means that any woman with children created without the exciting advancements in medicine known as fertility treatments have to be temporarily pinned to the wall through their uterus. Haven’t figured out how that will work with all the woosy fertiles bitching about the pain…but I still have like 6 hours until tomorrow so I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

Nobody is allowed to mention babies, families, “little ones”, or the future. Anyone who makes this grave mistake…well….will be sent to the grave.

There are no legal ramifications for sending violators of the aforementioned “tradition” to the grave.

The word Mother is banned from all forms of publication or conversation.  All languages.

Every OB/GYN office must sweep their waiting rooms free of mothering and maternity materials.  They shall be replaced by the Container Store catalogue, Real Simple Magazine, free wireless internet,  and any gossip magazine trashing some star that’s too skinny or pregnant.
RE’s across the country will be in a parade!! Well, it sort of resembles a parade. They will form a single file line, walk down Main St. (every city has one) while the queens of the day – us infertiles – line the streets and throw leftover meds in needles at them. Think. Beads for Mardi Gras but bloodier. O! Let’s get that Girls Gone Wild guy to shoot a video. Gotta make a phone call…

The traditional meal for this holiday is fried chicken, rolls (for B), caffeine (for KJB), brownies, vodka, and wine. It is a holiday requirement that all infertiles consume a minimum of 25,000 calories and black out.

Insurance companies. Yeah. Each one of them will pick a representative for the pin the tail on the donkey contest. What’s that BabyBound? Ahhhh. There will be a series of numbers on the wall. All having at least 4 zeros in them. Insurance rep get blindfolded. They pin. We get checks back written in the amount shown. Done.

All ladies that have been blessed with the wonderful experience of miscarriage get free shots at any local bar all day. Unlimited. See you there K.

O but I totally saved the best for last y’all. The drug makers get to have the best party of all. Rather then waste the time of those vampire nurses that are far too busy poking the shit out of people, we’ll let the drug makers talk us through blood retrieval. On them. With those big ass pink tipped needles. I like to start with the big ones cause my thought is, we’ll get the vein faster right? Right. And if any of you feel like injecting your meds into them for shiggles, go for it. There’s plenty for the parade.

There are a few little incidentals that I should mention. Anyone getting an insem, retrieval, or puttin those suckers back in tomorrow get it for free. All woman on bed-rest tomorrow are automatically entered into Oprah’s favorite things audience. I get whatever I want and am pretty much the baby Jesus of infertility day. Hey man. Rules are rules.

Have a Happy Infertility Day!


6 Responses to “Happy Infertility Day!”

  1. 1 katarinajellybeana January 23, 2008 at 7:04 am

    I love this more than anything right now. Anything.

    I have a couple of superfertiles I’d love to have pinned to the wall by their uterus.

  2. 2 b January 23, 2008 at 9:31 am

    There are rolls involved, so i’m in. I also like the drinking part. I haven’t imbibed as of yet..but i’m thinking tonight looks good. Oh, and the sticking of the RE’s..yeah…but I’m thinking more along the lines of sending our RE into a max security prison naked with his hands bound to his ankles. There will be no lube offered. Happy Infertility Day!

  3. 3 Erin January 23, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    Thanks for making ID! Count me in!

  4. 4 goofygoffin January 23, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Oh I L-O-V-E it!

    I think everybody should celebrate Infertility Day… I’m all for it! Halmark should make some cards up. All women who’ve ever had to sit at the RE’s office for more than 4 hours waiting to get inseminated should get a free day at the spa!

  5. 5 aradia January 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    Can I celebrate too? Or am I one of those people you want to send to the bottom of the ocean? Either way, I get it!

  6. 6 neen January 23, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    Great Idea!!
    Hope it catches on over here in New Zealand, can do with a few free shots and the day off part too!

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