In the moment.

I tried.  I’m trying. I’m a tryer.

Today I spent the day with my grandmother.  We had a “ladies day”.  We went to downtown San Jose to see the Body Worlds 2 exhibit.  For anyone who doesn’t know about this, it sounds disgusting, but its amazing.   I’ve always been a little too fascinated by the human body –  rendering me kinda dorky –  so this was a given for me.  My grandma asked me if I wanted to go and the answer seemed obvious.  Doy?  We had a lovely day.  Waited in a huge line for tickets (I felt at home with my dorkdom with all these people), then decided to eat lunch before we went in.  We walked over to the Farmont Hotel for a ladies lunch.  Sufficiently stuffed, we walked back to actually go in to the exhibit.  The lines were insane for good reason.  It was spectacular.

All except for this teeny tiny itty bitty thing.  There is an entire section on babies.

An.  Entire.  Section.

Babies.  Dead ones.  All stages of development.  Babies.  Entire section….babies!!

In the room designed as hell for infertiles (signage clearly missing), there was a series of tubes.  Lined up.  Starting from 4 weeks and going all the way to 10 weeks.  You totally know where I’m going don’t you.  Embryos to 10 week old fetus.  Right there.  1 in each tube.  Actual dead babies.

For those of you just tuning in,  Ashley died at 11 weeks.  Yeah.  I saw my baby in a fucking tube*.  Craptabulous.

Moving on.  There were also lovely representations of twins in uterus.  They didn’t specify their stage, but thankfully it was a little further along then my twins were because tears were already staining my cheeks in a room full of people “awww-ing” and happy.  Clearly it didn’t dawn on any of them that these babies died to be here.   Am I the only one that went there?  Only one huh.  Wow I must be sensitive. ( I know all of you are too.  That’s why you’re my homies.)  I mean this section really should have been required to have a warning sign reading “If you know what IUI, IVF, D&C, BFN, or MC mean, move on to the skateboarder and the ballerina.  You will die in here.”

My grandmother doesn’t know anything about my baby killing so running behind the skateboarder to cry like a crazy person gracefully glossing over this section and getting on to the next seemed most appropriate.  Of course she was most interested in infertility hell.  I mean anyone who’s successfully carried a aire would be right?  I tried to remain calm.  I did my very best to live in the moment.

In the moment.  Just now.  Not the past.  Not the crap future I see forthcoming.  Now.  Just science.  Just art.  Just fascinating.  Don’t think about the poor mother who lost the twins.  (she’s probably dead too as her uterus was spewed out on display.  Nice.)  Don’t think about the woman who had D&C’s to remove each tubed specimen for display.  Don’t think.  Just be here.  In the moment.  Its science.

I tried y’all.  Sucked all those tears right back up into my tear ducts.  Ignored that glacial pit in the base of my stomach.  Excused myself to the ladies room.  And barfed.

I’m still alive.  My grandmother had a rather lovely day.  Only half the patrons noticed the crazy lady crying behind the skateboarder and my grandmother was not one of them.  Bonus – No need to feel guilty over the french fries I ate for lunch.  Let’s call this success.

*Technically this wasn’t my baby.  But please.  Common.


6 Responses to “In the moment.”

  1. 1 katarinajellybeana January 22, 2008 at 6:51 am

    You are far braver than I.

    The thought of it makes me queasy. Not the dead bodies part, but the thought of traipsing through a room filled with my greatest heartbreak in 3D.

    Braver than I.

  2. 2 Kelly January 22, 2008 at 8:51 am

    Wow. I can’t even imagine going into such an exhibit. I too would have thought of the women who had lost the babies now being gawked at. I’m so sorry.

  3. 3 Kristin January 22, 2008 at 9:54 am

    Dang. What an awful way to spend (part of) a lovely afternoon with your grandmother.

    Maybe you need to talk about your losses with someone close that you trust and know that they will help you. You’re having a tough week and it would be good to talk (and cry openly) about it.

  4. 4 The mother hen January 22, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Maybe you could send a letter to the people at the exhibit. It would be a shame for that to happen to anyone else. Maybe they should know that a warning sign would be very useful. Sorry it was so rough.

  5. 5 b January 22, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    You know me, can’t resist a train wreck. Yes, I was warned, shut it. That must have been horrific for you. I would have melted. One woman can only take so much, and you’re gague says full my dear.

  6. 6 Dawn January 29, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    I live in Georgia but was visiting my sister in Fremont. We visited the Tech Museum on 1/19/08. My sister and I chose not to view Body Worlds 2. However, would you believe that my 12 year old niece received extra credit in school to attend the display? She went with my brother-in-law.

    I am sorry for your experience with the exhibit.

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