We will never dance.

I am really missing you today, Ashley.  I never even met you.  In fact, I never even felt you move.  You may have only been the size of a cranberry or so when you left me, but my love for you was far larger then the universe.  I hope you know this.

Its so hard for me to accept that your untimely departure was not my fault.  That there isn’t anything I could have done to get you to stick around a bit longer.  Was there?  I would have done, said, taken, not taken anything to have it be any other way then it is.  I do not get angry at you for our devastating separation.  You, Ashley, did nothing wrong.

If it weren’t for our sad goodbye, I would have been 22 weeks pregnant with you today.  You would have already started to show yourself popping out of my belly (and I’d be well past the “I just look fat” stage).  We’d be well acquainted and your morning calisthenics and hatred of spicy foods would be routine for me.   Your daddy would have loved to have layed with his head on my tummy listening to you for hours.  You meant as much to him as you did me.  He wanted to meet you as well and has not been able to get over your abrupt departure either.

Ashley, I am sorry I never hold you in my arms.  I will never kiss your tiny little nose.  Wont bite your baby little nails while you sleep to keep them trimmed for you.  There will be no silly songs made up by me to you (only sung in the darkness of night…while attempting to commence slumber).  I will never make you laugh.  You will never make me laugh.  You will never drive me crazy.  Or show me love like I’ve never experienced before.  I miss you so much.  I wanted all of these things for you.  For me.  It leaves me empty inside when I think about you.  I want to have good thoughts and memories about you, but sadly, I didn’t get to know you well enough.  I try.

This does not mean that I can’t love you.  I will love you forever.  I will think of you often.  With time, my thoughts will not hurt so much.  But you will still be in my head and in my heart.

Someday.  In a trillion years.  When I do succumb to being old.  We will dance.


5 Responses to “We will never dance.”

  1. 1 katarinajellybeana October 27, 2007 at 6:30 am


  2. 2 Hilary October 27, 2007 at 9:25 am

    OMG your post made me cry and cry. I’m actually finding it hard to see the computer screen right now as my eyes are welled up with tears.

    I would have been 29 weeks now if I had not lost my little one, and I feel the exact same way.

    You put it into words perfectly.

  3. 3 Deliciously Naughty October 27, 2007 at 11:02 am

    I agree. You put it perfectly. I lost my baby 4 weeks and 1 day ago. I should be 14 weeks today, but instead I’m waiting for my first post miscarriage flow. Sigh. Sad.

  4. 4 geohde October 27, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    I am so sorry,

    The woulda coulda shoulda thoughts are the hardest.

    I should have an infant, but I don’t either. It’s impossible not to keep counting the anniversaries I find,


  5. 5 kittenroar5 October 30, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    I’m so sorry. Hugs.

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