When it breaks – its time to move on

We broke our first wedding gift. Our rose colored, crystal Tiffany vase had a slight dishwasher mishap. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and I guess some might say this makes us old married folk (minus the old part unless you read this post). Ironically, this was a gift given to me by our RE. Symbolism perhaps?

I may not have mentioned this before, but our RE is a long time family friend. A second father to me in some ways. My mother used to work with him 800 years ago and he’s pretty much been a member of our family as far back as I can remember. He’s attended all of the milestones of my life and, for me, there didn’t seem to be anything weird about that. But the oddness has never been lost on others. I mean how many people had seen your vagina up close and personal at your wedding? One? (Hopefully not too many) The fact that Dr. K is family to me has made so much of our relationship over the last several years a strain. The fact that my family is unaware of our TTC obviously puts him in an awkward position. He hasn’t spoken to my mother much in the last 3 years because of his fear of telling her. They are very close. I know he also has a sense of obligation to my family to get me pregnant. “If anyone can get you pregnant, its Dr. K” my mother once said to my sister when she was TTC. And sure enough, 1 trip to Dr. K and she was seeing double pinks. Surely everyone is different, but I am pretty sure everyone in my family expects the same level of success out the gate with me – being that my family has the combined brain capacity of a very small ground mole when it comes to this subject.

After our miscarriage, Mark and I talked about seeing a new doc. For various reasons, we feel this might be a good idea. First and foremost, we don’t live near Dr. K anymore. We did our last IVF by commuting and the stress that added to the cycle was not enjoyable to anyone – least of all, my uterus who fought back with a vengeance. We also never received a phone call from Dr. K after the miscarriage. This hurt. I know that he is probably as frustrated as we are about my baron baby house. I fear that he’s at a point where he’s feeling bad for me and ashamed at his lack of success this time around. Its highlighting a failure that will follow him outside of his exam room and to the Christmas dinner table (a table I will not be at this year hurray!!!) This most definitely would have an effect on his performance as an RE in future cycles. While I’m sure docs deal with the disappointment all the time and grown somewhat detached from it, I think this case might be slightly different…as there are pictures of my mother all over his office. Somehow her smiling/glaring face staring at him all day probably eats at him a bit.  He’s too close to it.

We have not told Dr. K about our plan, but obviously we’ll have to eventually. Like, when we put in a request for the shipping barge to haul our medical file to Northern Cali and rent the crane to hoist it into the new RE’s office building. Its something I know is looming out there, and I’ll deal with it later.

But we broke his gift. I can’t bring myself to throw it away either. Its sitting in a pile on the counter in the kitchen. I look at it and get sad. Sad for so many reasons. Sad that my favorite vase is gone. Sad that we have dwindled our wedding bounty down by .5%.  Sad that I will no longer fill that vase with flowers and think briefly of Dr. K. Sad that its time to move on. Sad sad sad.

O, one last thing, Sandy – of course – ate a tiny sliver of the broken crystal before we could get it out of her mouth. A sliver the size of a medium size splinter in your thumb. I – of course – fear her innards are now being hacked at with sheer ninja like swordsmanship. She seems fine, but if anyone has suggestions on this, I’m all ears.


3 Responses to “When it breaks – its time to move on”

  1. 1 anne nahm October 23, 2007 at 11:26 am

    *hugs* Have no words of wisdom on shard eating. Hope everything is OK all the way around.

  2. 2 katarinajellybeana October 23, 2007 at 11:36 am

    I read something once about feeding a dog that had eaten razor blades cotton balls soaked in calamine. But I don’t have a source. Call the vet.

    As far as the RE goes, I am an advocate of the fresh start. Especially if you bring up the commute thing and trying to keep your stress as low as possible. I know it will suck. Sorry.

  3. 3 geohde October 24, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Sometimes a fresh start is good anyway, fresh opinions and techniques and all that jazz.


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