Bad Family part 2

I think an update on my lovely family situation is in order. I’m confused as all hell with this one.

Remember when I said “I want nothing to do with you” to my family? Yeah. Apparently they interpreted that as “business as usual, folks. Nothing to see here.” In the last two weeks, I have received**:

  • 1 phone message from my mother – just wanting to “check in and see how my day was”.
  • 2 emails from my mother – of the horrible “send this to 10 people and you’ll lose a billion pounds” sort.
  • 2 emails from my father – standard business inquiry emails (we have done business together).
  • 1 email from my father – silly nonsense not even close to necessary.
  • 1 phone call from my grandmother – informing me that holiday plans have been re-routed due to my timely email to Mother & Father proclaiming a need for respect. (Grandmother actually wanted to help me not hurt me. I took it this way as well.)

For those of you needing an example of my insane math skills, that’s 2 phone calls and 5 emails. None of them actually acknowledging my feelings, email, or self proposed position as an outsider in the family (I guess Grandma should be left out of this though). No “can we talk about this”. Not a hint of “we’re sorry”. Not even a skoash of “we got your message, we’ll get back to you”.

What is even more shocking then their complete lack of response to my emotions is the acute & detailed damage control plan that has gone into effect. “Crap we better find a new place to have Thanksgiving”. Huh?? This is top priority? Fucking turkey that wont even be killed for at least 3 more weeks?

All this says to me is “well clearly Kathy has gone off her rocker and rather then deal with her “crazy” right now, let’s just enjoy our holidays and circle back to this sometime in 08’…preferably after her birthday in Jan to avoid any necessary gifts we might be obligated to purchase”

I’ve become a project plan.

If you all thought I was sad before…welcome to sad 2.0. I’d like to introduce you to my family. I’m that important to them.

I really am dying to hear your perspectives on this one. I am perfectly willing to accept that I might have this all wrong. Thoughts anyone? Please??

**I should probably add that none of these attempts at my attention received even a hint of response.

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8 Responses to “Bad Family part 2”


  1. 1 geohde October 17, 2007 at 1:58 am

    My family are extrodinarily good at Never Mentioning (even indrectly) the Pregnancy That Went Rather Badly. Shto tears its me just how hopeless those closest to you can be,

    xx

    J

  2. 2 geohde October 17, 2007 at 1:58 am

    Erps. Spell-fart. The last line should read ‘shits me to tears’

    oops….

    J

  3. 3 katarinajellybeana October 17, 2007 at 7:26 am

    Go you for not responding!

    It sounds like your family is very comfortable in their avoidance of the crazies. That’s not to say that you aren’t important to them or that what’s going on with you isn’t bothering them.

    Both ma and pa are trying to reach out to you, but have NO IDEA what to say. Better they just keep quiet or talk of something entirely different rather than stirring up the crazy. They don’t like unpleasantness. They were never raised to deal with it. They hate not knowing what to say. I don’t know what their true regard/disregard for you is. I imagine they don’t think they disregard you, but you feel differently (educated guess here). It is unlikely they will change to meet you where you are.

    I’m pretty sure that what you need for you right now is continued distance to work through your shit with them. You can’t do anything about their awkwardness or insensitivity. They are who they are. What you can work on is comfortable disconnect. What you can work on is getting to the point where you can be in close proximity to them without feeling the need for a primal scream. What you can work on is healing. What you can work on is getting a case of something really good to get drunk on during Thanksgiving.

    I’m still in the midst of this process. My parents wanted to come for a visit sometime soon, but I’m not ready to host them yet. Seeing them at a wedding was fine. The occasional email is fine. They don’t call me, I don’t call them. I’m not up to full visits yet. I’m not sure what the holidays hold.

  4. 4 puppyroar5 October 17, 2007 at 10:36 am

    This process with my parents took about 6 years. Six years that included me being hurt ALL the time and them being indifferent. Only when I turned that around on them..stopped visiting, stopped calling, stopped letting them hurt me on a daily basis did they realize “oh shit, she’s serious.” Of course it’s still going to hurt, and you are going to mourn for what you don’t have..for what you’ve never had with them. Hopefully they will have their own epiphany like my parents, and you can start over in building a relationship. You have to take their power to hurt you away from them, then and only then can you start on common ground to build a relationship you can all be happy with. Just my two cents.

  5. 5 Orodemniades October 17, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Huh. I think I’m going to have to disagree with Katrina, I don’t think they’re trying to reach out to you, I think they’re trying to manipulate you into giving control back to them. It’s scary when the known becomes unpredictable and starts making ‘demands’.

    I’m sorry you have to continue to go through this. And Puppy’s right. I think you should probably expect more passive aggressiveness in the new few weeks, including lots of guilt for Things You Should Be Doing Like A Grateful Daughter.

  6. 6 katarinajellybeana October 17, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    Interesting point Oro! I guess I’ve never looked at it that way.

    I can only speak from my experience. I guess I’m at a stage where I believe (hope?) my silence has hurt my parents deeply.

    I always interpreted their emails and voice mail messages as them awkwardly caring about me. Maybe they were trying to manupulate me. I truthfully don’t think I matter enough to them to be worth manipulating. They always had their own things to think about. The calls and emails come infrequently enough that I truly believe them to be a “check in” and not laced with other motives.

    Hurting them was never my (overt) intent. Mostly, I just wanted them to stop hurting me. They are still bewildered as to why I’ve removed myself. I try to explain, but it never seems to sink in. And they keep making their occasional attempts to make things “normal” again. Normal does not mean healthy or good, it just means that things are swept back under the rug and the unpleasantness never talked of.

    Moral of the story: We don’t know what their motives are, but they sure do suck.

  7. 7 Hilary October 17, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    Hey girl,
    It sounds to me like they’ve had a family meeting behind your back and decided to pretend like nothing happened! I can’t understand why they’re not respecting your request to be left alone, but if I was to give them the benefit of the doubt, I would hope that they are trying to send you the message that they are still “around” if you need them. But all in all, I’m as confused as you are.

    Try not to get too sad about it all over again. You have already said your peace, made your stand, and clearly communicated to them where you’re at and what you need. There’s nothing else you can do. I really hope that either they finally get the message OR that they start giving you some much needed and well deserved support.

    In the meantime, you’ve got all of us out in the blogosphere cheering you on.

  8. 8 Orodemniades October 18, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    (wee blog hijack)

    Katrina, motives are so difficult to figure out. Sometimes it really is just a case of ‘I have no idea how to talk to you’ and sometimes it’s a case of ‘oh, right, you’re my child?’. And that, of course, also assumes the person/people in question have any idea or realization about their own behavior. Certainly I’ve done and said things that I thought were reasonable, and then someone treats me ‘weird’, and I’m all Eh? And they’re all ‘how could you say/do/hurt me like that?!’ and I’m still all, Wha…?

    I dunno, I just get the feeling that this is not miscommunication but something far deeper. It screams passive aggressive to me and I hate that nonesense.


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