This is not a happy post

I’m in a bad place. I don’t even really know where to begin. My family has really let me down for so many years and last night, I just snapped. My sister and I have not been on speaking terms for several months now. She has decided that now is the time in my life to push me into losing weight (weight that she has no idea comes from infertility, PCOS and depression, but that is so beside the point). My sister is a “healthy” size 14. She’s not in any place to be passing judgment on anyone in this department, but feels it is necessary to say things like “Kathy, you have really let yourself go”….”just because doctors have given up all hope on you, doesn’t mean you should”….”you should be doing everything in your power to lose weight. It’s YOUR responsibility to take charge”. (direct quotes from our conversations…no editing for effect here)

I got a call from my mother yesterday telling me to stop being so hard on my sister and that I need to apologize. For what exactly, I’m not sure. For not being a strong enough punching bag? For actually having feelings? For not being able to show no pain when being beaten? Your guess is as good as mine. When my mother was getting nowhere with her demands, my father decided to take over. “I have no idea what’s going on here and I know nothing, but you need to apologize.” (again, direct quote) My sister has ALWAYS been the princess in my family. She can do no wrong to them – although I have a very different scale of wrong tolerance then they do. Drugs, college drop out (after 1 semester), laziness that would put a 900 pound man to shame, dumping her children on anyone else so that she doesn’t have to deal with them (really. Pick up a book and read it to your kid once in a while)….these are surly reasons to put her up on that pedestal she has settled so nicely on.

Last night was it for me. I spent the entire night bawling into Mark’s shoulder. I never seem to do anything right in their eyes and I am of course always the one at fault. Even when they don’t even come close to having any idea what’s going on. They may not know anything about my infertility or my miscarriage, but they certainly know other parts of my life in the last 3 years that have been hard to deal with: the loss of my dog, my husband’s medical issues, a severe accident that I was in and the following 4 months of bed rest and 8 months of recovery…there’s been PLENTY. Back off is all I want them to do. Just back the fuck off. I’m NOT always wrong. I DO have feelings and right now I am tapped out. I have had enough. Add in my special cocktail of infertility, loss, and hormones and you have yourself one hell of a shitball sandwich.

I have told them all goodbye. I no longer want anything to do with them. I do not want contact with them. They do nothing but hurt me. It felt somewhat good, and somewhat relieving to say that. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m still desperately hurting inside and far to raw. I assure you all that I am not this dramatic with them usually. This is the first and ONLY time I will write them off. I have never acted out, said goodbye, or taken such extremes before. I am pretty sure it just built up over far too long and I have finally exploded. I can’t turn this post around and make it good. It is what it is. A verbal vomit of my emotion. And right now, I just need support.


12 Responses to “This is not a happy post”

  1. 1 Hilary October 8, 2007 at 11:29 am

    Oh my God. I hate, HATE that you had to go through this. I can’t believe how insensitive, inappropriate and downright cruel the things your sister said to you were. You didn’t deserve that. Not even a little bit. And to have your mom demand that you apologize, it made me just sick to hear that. I got really upset reading your post.

    Why don’t they understand that all you need right now is support and love? Why don’t they understand that if you needed advice, you would ask for it?

    It’s such a shame to have to cut off your family but it really sounds like the right thing to do in your case. You need to be surrounded by people who lift you up and support you right now – not people who drag you down and make you feel bad. Good for you for making the choice to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from any further hurt from them. Maybe someday they will “get it” but until then, you have to take steps to protect yourself and keep yourself in a healthy place. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner, let him be your rock for now.

    And although the support from all us out here in cyberspace isn’t all that tangible, please know that it IS real. We are connected. We get it, we’re listening, and we are cheering you on.

    I think you should treat yourself to something decadent. Maybe something sweet, something expensive or something relaxing. Maybe all three!

  2. 2 Hilary October 8, 2007 at 11:36 am

    PS- I too had a miscarriage in July. I was also pregnant with a girl. I’m still a total wreck about it and sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t think about it. But if there is anything that gives me any comfort, it’s knowing that I’m not alone out there. At least we’re in this together.

  3. 3 katarinajellybeana October 8, 2007 at 11:48 am

    Christmas this past year at my parents was an event where I was so upset that I drove 3 hours, dropped off gifts & food, gave a quick round of hugs and “I love you all, but I’m so angry right now I can’t stay.” And then I drove 3 hours home.

    I can tell you that in the 6 months of no contact, I ended up in a better place and I can deal with them now. I haven’t forgiven them for the things that have hurt me. I still haven’t figured out how to forgive people for things they don’t believe they have done wrong or that they don’t think they need to be forgiven for. But I can deal with them with a loving detachment that keeps me sane and healthy. I still care about them and love them, but I can’t count on them. And that has to be OK because that’s the way it is.

    The hiatus from them allowed me time to focus on healing other parts of me and my life. I came away from it stronger and more able to deal.

    You don’t have to write them off forever. Just until you can deal with them and feel OK no matter how boorish or stupid they are. Right now it’s like every little thing has the force of history behind it. Those blows land on you like body blows instead of the taps that they are. Taking back control over how and when you deal with them diffuses a lot of that history and you can start to react like water.

    I hope you find peace. I hope you’re able to stay away. I hope you find whatever midpoint you need to in order to cope with them.

  4. 4 anne nahm October 8, 2007 at 1:50 pm

    I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. *hugs* Take care.

  5. 5 kittenroar5 October 8, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    I’m so sorry.

    I have been so fortunate in the ttc arena; my family and friends… even work almost strangers… have come out of the woodwork to support me. I’m not sure I could endure this without them.

    I can say that I have watched B struggle with her family for years and at one point she cut off contact for a while. Her sister is a drug addict and less than attentive parent, but she was hetero, so B was the big gay black sheep of the family. When B cut off contact, she effectively took control back. Gradually, she began to have limited contact again, and, while they were certainly not supportive, they conversations were at least not devastating. Early this year her mother almost died, and her family began to heal in all kinds of ways.

    Maybe sometime in the future, there will be healing for you guys as well. I hope so. Hugs.

  6. 6 Orodemniades October 8, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    I am so, so sorry that you had to put your foot down with your family.

  7. 7 babybound October 8, 2007 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you all so much for your support. I really need it and I really appreciate it. As weird as it is to have virtual friends that you don’t even really know, sometimes they can mean more and be far more helpful then anyone in your real life. Thank you thank you thank you.

  8. 8 babybound October 8, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    O and PS to Hilary: I took your advice and I DID get something decadent. A large piece of rocky road bark…something expensive (not really) a new set of letter pressed personalized stationary….and relaxing….I large glass of red wine and a cuddle with Markypoo. I hope this works for you 🙂

  9. 9 A October 8, 2007 at 9:59 pm

    We are in such similar places right now, though for different reasons. Even though my situation is relationship-related, not family-related, everyone’s comments totally resonate with me, from the importance of taking time off to how people just come out of the woodwork when you really need them, including the writer of this little blog. You’re always in my thoughts, girlfriend. Tomorrow we will have wine and cheese amidst my moving boxes. I love ya.

  10. 10 NotsofullofJ October 10, 2007 at 1:18 am

    Nothing to say…ther than a very poetic,”they suck”, and they have NO idea what they are giving up by distributing their unhappiness onto you. They are miserable…therefore must make you like them,MISERABLE…cause you ain’t like ’em! And you will never be, you are too evloved.

    All the red wine & brownie mix in the world can’t take away the pain…I feel it for you! (BTW: Above will not take pain away…but will numb 🙂 )

    XO ~J

  1. 1 Just another heifer like me… « B a b y B o u n d Trackback on October 15, 2007 at 9:33 pm
  2. 2 Bad Family part 2 « B a b y B o u n d Trackback on October 16, 2007 at 11:12 pm

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