Take off your coat and sit a spell

I don’t know what exactly is going on with me, but I am changing. Maybe this stupid break is actually accomplishing something? Go figure.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my path in life. Not the granola “who am I” kind. Its more of a “why am I like this” nature. I was raised in a family that all headed up the same ladder. Everyone went to college, worked in 1 of 3 professions, got married, and had kids. That is until recently. The generation before me all headed up this same ladder, however, my generation has really shaken things up. So far, I have been the only one to actually accomplish each stage in this order (minus the baby bonus round, but nobody ever tried as hard as I have). In fact, my generation is nothing short of a Jerry Springer sweeps week really. There’s high school drop outs, non college bound, drug addicted, uneducated mothers with no future all mixed together in a sick mess of generation X soup. Yeah, its quite a scene. You’d think I would be the family favorite with people adorning me with gold feeding me grapes. You would be so far wrong you’d be banished to the dungeon never to be seen again. I am actually considered the family “problem” because of this bonus rung. Anyone wondering where my one track mind came from?  (Adoptions into my family can be considered at any time for those of you that need more punishment then the likes of infertility)

My post here is not really to go into the depths of my dysfunctional family, rather, reflecting on it is teaching me something. For the first 32 years of my life, I have strived to reach each rung of the family ladder of expectancy in a timely manor. And with each rung, I overachieved greatness. (type A personality that I am) I have never rushed into anything. But I’ve always had a goal and headed for it. This worked for the first 3 rungs. This bonus round may involve more then just stepping up and I might not be getting it. (you guys sick of the ladder analogy yet?)

Moving on….I’ve surpassed my self declared age for introducing motherhood into my life twice. Instead of dieing over it (on the outside) I’ve moved the launch date. Each time, I have panicked. My brain has gone into a tailspin of negative and I have beaten a little piece of me to death. (Commencing funeral for my dead body parts TBD) I worry about it constantly and feel that I am nothing short of a gigantic failure until I can pass this rung. Why???? Are all of my other accomplishments less important without graduating to the top rung? The family may of course think so, but I am starting to accept that I don’t have to.
In the last few months, I have really slowed down. Mark and I have simplified our lives by removing 99% of the “stuff” we had going on. I used to feel that I thrived on having too many things going on at once (and to some extent I do) but I have been functioning rather splendidly with no goals and no plans. Some could argue that that is a load of crap and that I am still far too impatient. Yes I agree. But in the last few days, I have found myself letting go a little bit. Its scary and feels strange. I’m not quite to a point where I’m accepting and calm about it, but I do see that life is still OK without perfect order and a one track mind. Don’t misunderstand me here, project:baby is still in full swing – some day.
Don’t get too excited. I know this is all temporary of course. I have been completely off IVF meds for a few months now and clearly my brain is doing some damage control and a reboot. But for now, I think I want to spend a little bit more time in this space. Can I take these thoughts with me through my next cycle? O please. Silly girl. I think not.


2 Responses to “Take off your coat and sit a spell”

  1. 1 katarinajellybeana October 5, 2007 at 9:58 am

    Lookie at you! Being all zen and reflective. It’s a good look for you. Disconcerting, but not in a “Quick! Grab the emergency backpacks and let’s get outta here!” way.

    It actually makes me quite happy to read. Especially about life not having to be perfect. Hard lesson for all of us to learn.

  1. 1 I endorse breaks « B a b y B o u n d Trackback on October 5, 2007 at 9:56 am

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