I’ve got a secret

Here is a big shocker for all of you: I am infertile. Wait, that didn’t shock you? Huh.

Now what if I was to say that I almost never say those words out loud to human people (not Muppet’s like all of you)? That I very easily slip from one life to another. By day, I am a Creative Director that is known for my talent and sense of humor. By night, I morph into a frantic, obsessive, neurotic mess who practically thinks of nothing but her empty insides. Never the two shall meet and I have perfected the separation of the two. Muppet’s know everything about my night life and practically nothing about my day life. Humans? Exact opposite. In fact when any human finds out about our last 3 years they are shocked beyond belief.

So why this giant separation? I am not even really sure I know anymore. At first, despite all the most obvious and popular reasons, it seemed like the professional thing to do for work. As a manager, I didn’t want to show a vulnerable side and really felt that that was far too personal anyway. I had always said that I wasn’t going to tell anyone “we are trying” because I feel that that puts a level of pressure on you as a couple that I am not comfortable with so telling our friends and family was just never going to happen. Over time, we have let up a bit on this one and there are several four friends that know our struggle. (Including perfect aunt!!)

But work? Work is a whole different ballgame. But why? I actually lost a job because of this secret. No I was not fired and no I’m not upset about it. What happened was this: I was being offered a promotion that was going to require me to do a LOT more travel. Anyone going through a cycle knows this is impossible. Putting my family ahead of my job, I had to turn it down. Well, that did not go over well of course. In less then 3 months I was pushed out. Nobody understood why I would have turned down such an offer and with no knowledge of my reasons, some took it as a personal attack. Was it worth it? Well, its been a year, they still keep asking for me to come back and can’t find someone to replace me so in some ways it was. (The negative cynical meanie that I am) But did losing a job for this quest help anything? Nope. Nada. Zip.

There is also the matter of being a woman wanting to have a baby and work. I absolutely love what I do and couldn’t imagine not doing it.  The fear this causes employers and the ridiculous stereotypes that usually accompany these fears do not apply to me. I really didn’t want to deal with that and I guess I am also really lazy in this area. Who wants to deal with stupidity at work anyway? (Ahhh the laughs…..stupidity at work???? HA!) Its just easier to keep it to yourself and nobody ever accused me of loving a challenge.

So what the heck am I trying to say? I don’t know I thought you’d tell me. I’m too busy flapping my lips over here to know what I’m actually saying. I kid. I kid.

We all make choices about our comfort level with project:infertility. Sometimes it can be straight forward and sometimes it is so complicated that the best entertainment lawyers couldn’t figure it out. For me, it is organic. When I am comfortable, I tell people. When I’m not, I don’t. While I am strangely still uncomfortable 95% of the time, there is no line anymore that defines the knowers from the not knowers.  The Project:Infertility roster is growing. Maybe not by leeps and bounds. More like itty bitty baby steps. Taken by a preemie. With extra small feet. That hasn’t learned to walk yet. O let’s face it, its totally still a secret.

Has anyone figured out yet that day and night are fighting right now and I’m caught in the middle??? Day is pissed that she always has to take the blame for nights behavior and night hates day’s outfit.  Please send help.


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