Can you come to my party?

I woke up this morning feeling rather pleghk shall we say.  It’s Fall.  My favorite time of year – mostly because it means winter is on its way and I love winter.  I love how the sun seems to be brighter and casts a warmer, golden tone on everything.  Leaves start to change colors and enhance this orange/yellow glow.  I love this.  Its still quite sunny, but there is a crispness to the air.  Its sharper.  It just puts me in a good mood.  Usually.

This year its kind of reminding me that we will be spending yet another holiday season sans baby.  Our pregnancy ended, we’re not cycling,  and there is basically no twinge of hope for family expansion this year.  As much as I tell all the voices in my head that there are benefits to this (the biggest one being the large consumption of wine that does not have to be curbed) its still hard.  We haven’t completely given up on our baby quest.  We do plan on cycling again and we still think optimistically (.0048% of the time).  I think the huge difference this time is that putting a break between cycles slams everything into a wall and then stops it.  After every disappointing negative we had in the past, we had to move on and start the next cycle.  Each cycle was then also different so that set us up for a little hope that this time would be the one.  I think I have become addicted to those subtle tweaks in treatment and when it stopped I am now forced to look at how broken I am.

Its like I was at a large party with all kinds of friends (doctors, nurses, needles, etc.) to socialize with.  Mingle with.  Distract myself from…well myself.  Now, the party ended and everyone went home and I am left alone.  To talk only to myself while I clean up the mess everyone else made.  The holidays are feeling a little bit like throwing a party for one, having none of my regulars – doctors, nurses, needles – to mingle with.  None of the friends and family will come to this party because the doctors didn’t come.  Meaning, nobody cares what’s going on in my brain, just what’s going on in my baby carriage.  When the carriage closes up for winter, they don’t stop by.

Mark of course will make a cameo apperance to any party I throw but its really not fair to expect him to be the life of the party every time.  That’s a lot to ask.

Anyway….blpk it is.

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4 Responses to “Can you come to my party?”


  1. 1 geohde September 25, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    I’d come to your party, but only to bitch about infertility. And rink copious amounts of alcohol. Is that acceptable behaviour?

    xx

    J

  2. 2 katarinajellybeana September 25, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    I’ll be there, but I may very well put my feet up on the coffee table and feed the dog cauliflower and brussel sprouts. Hope you don’t mind!

  3. 3 kittenroar5 September 25, 2007 at 6:48 pm

    If I can bitch, count me in!

  4. 4 Wordgirl September 26, 2007 at 9:16 am

    I found you through The Stirrup Queen — I love your writing — you write so eloquently, and with humor.

    I enjoyed reading.

    Pam


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