Back me up here Muppets…its not just me right?

I recently got a comment that I absolutely must to respond to.  Not because it was bad.  Quite the opposite.  The commenter needs support, advice and to know that miscarriage isn’t like high school.  There aren’t a whole lot of mean girls behind her talkin trash and calling her fat.  While I’m kinda like the last person anyone should ever really listen to – which oddly seems to be exactly how everyone else feels as well – I’m going to dole out my best reply:

Dearest Emma,

Wow.  You have just gone through something gut wrenching.  It sucks ass.  The pain that you have experienced with years and years of trying to do something that so many people can do accidentally is only trumped by the pain of actually accomplishing it for a brief moment and failing to see it through.  I know.  I’m sorry.  While I know you have most likely been given all kinds of words of wisdom and advice about how you should feel, and how it will get better, and you’re not alone, and puppies and kittens and bla bla bla, I don’t really feel this is what you were asking me for.  Am I right?  We all know that nonsense and frankly, hearing it when we’re just a few weeks out from the death of our babies, we’d rather snap your head off your neck and pee in it just to get you to shut the fuck up.

When I lost Ashley, I was angry.  Nobody could make me not angry. All I wanted to do was hate everybody and make everybody around me go away.  This (kind of) included Mark.  While I didn’t blame him for our loss, I didn’t feel like he was doing a very good job of fixing it.  And after all, as my night in shining armor, damn it he should have fixed it.  It absolutely put a strain on our marriage and our communication went sour.

Part of me felt that I never ever ever wanted to intentionally put myself through that kind of pain again and didn’t think I’d ever see a future with a baby in it.  And yet, part of me was anxious to start the next cycle so that we could get this whole baby doin thing over with.  I only shared the former with Mark, but secretly wanted him to jump in and be Mr. Optimist pushing me to get right back on that horse.  He wasn’t.  We took a break.

It wasn’t long at all before I really really wanted to get started again and didn’t really see why we were waiting.  Seemed retarded actually.  And since Mark was going on his marry way waiting for me to say I was ready, I grew resentful of him.  Which, in turn, was retarded.

I’m not at all sure why, but for some reason I felt weird telling Mark I wanted to try again.  Like I was scared to even mention it.  I didn’t want him to be mad at me, not be ready and reject me, or judge me. (All while also resenting him for not figuring it out because…well frankly I’m complicated)  I kept it to myself for a long time.  I hinted, but would never flat out say:  WTF are we waiting for?

Here’s what I’ve since realized:

While you went through it together,

You: carried dead bodies inside yours.

He: watched his wife crumble in pain he never thought he’d witness and couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Its tragic for both of you.  You will never be able to understand each other.  The healing of each of these experiences isn’t going to be the same or happen at exactly the same time.  He doesn’t understand you and also doesn’t want to hurt you.  He basically doesn’t know what to do.  It takes time to get back to normal.  To not want to kill everyone.  To have optimism again and see that the world has an excellent plan for you.  While you are still physically healing, you’re mentally healing too.  And so is your husband.  Its ok.  And when you’re ready.  Tell him.

Why couldn’t I tell Mark I was ready?  Because I wasn’t (even though I totally thought I was).  But with time, I did tell him.  We started communicating again.  It didn’t seem weird to discuss an actual future with kids and spaghetti-o’s and everything.

I’m so sorry that you have to join our club.  Just reading your comment took me right back to where I was a few weeks after my MC.  I think (you know, from my awesome therapy couch here in virtual therapist land where I totally know everything about you and have every right to tell you what to you) you two just might not really be ready to talk about it.  Its ok.  You will be.

Now I’m just really hoping your not getting ready to pee in my head…cause I kinda need it.  Well.  I like to think I do…

Moving on.

Where the hell have I been you ask?  Well?  I guess I don’t really have a good answer for that at all.  I’ve been here.  Last week would have been Ashley’s 2nd birthday.  That kinda took up my thoughts for a lot of the week, but I was trying really hard not to get all obsessed with it.  I know some might say I have a right to, but I just don’t want to.  You can’t move on if you’re stuck in the past and I want to have a good life AD.

That wasn’t meant to piss anyone off.  Some people definitely feel differently and that’s ok with me.  I just have a very hard time dwelling forever.  I do dwell for sure, but do I want to be celebrating Ashley’s 30th birthday all sad and wishing she was here?  No I don’t.  I hope that at that point I will be celebrating an alive birthday with an alive child/adult.  One who has filled my life with a ridiculous amount of joy and pain – teenagers – and made me feel full.  I want nothing more than to look forward to that rather than dwell on what is not.

That doesn’t mean I am not sad or don’t feel robbed.  Of course I do.  And I miss her.  And I wish I met her.  And I want to have that 2 year old little girl here right now.  But I think that part of healing is moving on.  And I’d like to think that is what I am doing. Right or wrong, this is my plan.

So that was my week last week.  While I was thinking quite a bit about my baby, I also got to think about the baby shower that was planned for Thursday at work.  Awesome right?  Well lucky lucky me, it got moved to tomorrow.  And as my luck is clearly overflowing these days, the pregnant mom to be actually went into labor today and the shower is canceled altogether.  I completely dodged that bullet!!

I should probably run out and buy some lottery tickets and have sex with my husband like normal people in hopes of making a life…

Some things that have happened recently

1. My fuckwit cousin that has no sense in her head and is most likely a drug addict pretended to be pregnant to get money from my family only to “lose” the baby when it didn’t work.  And no this isn’t a joke, speculation, or guess.  It. Really. Happened.
2. I started therapy with Mark to try to rebuild our relationship so that we can be happy again.  You’d be surprised how 4 years of infertility, addiction, and bi polar disorder can put a strain on a relationship.  I know.  Shocked the hell out of me too.
3. I had my very first cavity filled and acted like the biggest baby about it.  That’s right folks.  I’m no longer perfect.  My tooth has a flaw.  But just my tooth.  Let’s not make too much of it.  Take it down a notch.
4. I made myself a birthday cake just because I really really really wanted a piece of cake and well?  To have a piece you need a whole one.  It was lovely.  Almond cake with raspberry filling and an almond butter cream frosting.  It totally looked like a wedding cake, so frankly, I’d like to think of this as me making myself a fancy dessert usually shared with 100+ guests.  NOT my own birthday cake.  And no, I didn’t cut the first piece while yielding a shared knife with Mark.  And to the best of my knowledge there were no photographers present.  Although I can’t quite be certain of that.
5. O.  One last thing.  I told my mom about my infertility, miscarriages, my blog all of it.

No babies for me

Cycle canceled indefinitely.

No children for me.

Husband’s medication made his swimmers all die unexpectedly.

Planning massive funeral for 100 million deaths.

Need  copeus amounts of alcohol.

Going into a cave….I’ll come out eventually….

BabyBound movie/life review.

Mark and I went to see Marley and Me this weekend.  I know its getting very mixed reviews and all, but I can’t help it.  I rather enjoyed watching my life on screen.  O?  You think I’m somehow projecting myself into a theatrical interpretation of someone else’s life like some sort of freak?  O fine.  Now I’m a freak!?!?

Let me just list off a few comparisons for you.  Sit down.  This is going to blow your mind.  (O but if you haven’t seen the movie or read the book STOP READING RIGHT HERE AND GO TO THE END OF THE NUMBERS)

1. Marley ate the wall.  Sandy ate the wall, the floor board and threshold.
2. Marley was “discounted”.  Sandy was also discounted – we were told it was because she was so “precious”.
3. Marley ate Jenny’s necklace.  Sandy ate my diamond earring and Mark’s wedding band.
4. Marley ate an answering machine and phone.  Sandy has eaten several remote controls, rocks, glass, medication and pennies – all of which seemed to have no effect on her.
5. Marley failed out of obedience school.  Sandy also failed out of obedience school.
6. Marley will jump into any body of water that he may be within 1/2 mile from.  Sandy once dug her own muddy body of water at the dog park just so she could play in what she thought was close enough to water.  None of the other dogs joined her of course because they were all sophisticated dog snobs with no sense of how much fun dark black mud is to get off a white dog.
7. Jenny has a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  Not only does she have it at the same time as I did, she finds out the same way (at a routine US) and has a D&C as I did.
8. When she gets home, Marley calmly puts his head on her lap while she sobs.  When I got home, Sandy layed down with me on the couch and didn’t leave my side for more than 5 hours while I lost my mind.
9. John and Jenny are both in the same field.  Mark and I are both in the same field.
10. Marley’s vet was on a first name basis with the family as she spent what was obviously a significant amount of time with them.  Sandy’s vet actually handed us a pamphlet on pet insurance when she was 1 and said “you guys should really look into this”.
11. John and Jenny spent an estimated $37,580 replacing furniture, mailman uniforms, housewares, sweaters, plants, drywall, doors, and an entire restaurant’s table setup.  Mark and Kathy have rounded the $14,000 corner on sweaters, walls, electronics, towels, socks, metal detectors, couches, shoes, computer parts, jewelry, vet xrays, and replacing other people’s stuff.
12. And last.  Everyone loves Marley even though he’s the worst dog in the world.  Sandy is also loved, and may be giving Marley a run for his money.

I know what you’re thinking.  Kathy, you don’t have 3 children dum dum.  You haven’t ever had sex in Ireland.  Well, yes but embellishments are what keep Hollywood writers employed.  See?  Its my life.  I feel like I should have been consulted for this.  Perhaps a simple dedication at the end?  At least they made me look like Jennifer Aniston.  Thanks guys.