A week of crap and poop. O and the dog is sick too.

Who me?  Where have I been you ask?  Uhh.  We got stuck in traffic?  We ran out of gas?  I woulda called, but my cell phone died?  I’ll be better next time.  Promise.

Truth be told, its been a rough week around here.  Work had layoffs.  Sandy had a competition with herself to see which one grossed Mommy out more, sick runny crap on the white rug or barf on the jute rug.  Barf won btw.

Monday sucked donkey testicles and I haven’t been able to perk up since.  Layoffs suck the life out of everyone.  If you get let go, you’re obviously screwed (and have it worse.  Yes.  You definitely have plenty to complain about and I wont take that away from you).  If you don’t, there’s a lovely combination of “what if there are more” and “why did I get spared”.  Joyous fun for all.  Since I regularly partake in the experience of freaking the fuck out about losing my job, this hasn’t dampened my spirits.  No no.  I’m still whole heartedly involved in full fledged freak out at all times.

I do have one lil funny story to tell about my weekend at band camp with my mom.  We went to Napa this weekend (which I will report on later).  On Sunday morning when we were getting ready, I took out my bcp.  My mom, looking rather puzzled, said “why are you on birth control?”  to which I said with a sense of condescension and disgust “well duh.  I’m trying to have a baby??  Did you forget that??  I suppose you think Mark and I have sex too.  Silly normal person.”.  Ahhh sigh.  I’m just downright Hi Larious aren’t I?

I suck at hiding I think.

OK I kinda had to come out of the cave.  It got really smelly in there.  I’m blaming the unruly bat that kept farting all night.  Stupid bat.

I don’t even know quite how to say thank you to everyone for all the comments.  Its unbelievably amazing to me that the world is full of complete strangers that know exactly what to say when you need them.  My friends aren’t even that good to me.  Nothing can make a girl feel better than being popular right?  Dude.  You made me feel like I was the most popular cheerleader in school.  I almost got the courage to call that skinny bitch on MUNI out and tell her she’s fat and ugly and nobody wants to hear her phone conversation.  But I didn’t because I remembered that I am only virtually cool (for one post only) and lost my confidence.  She could still send me back into the cave with one look up and down let’s be real.

And just because there’s simply nothing funnier than dogs wearing clothes, I give you – Sandy in my sweatshirt:

And if it bothers you that I have tortured such an innocent little animal with horrible embarrassment, watch it again.  See?  That’s funny shit.

I’ll update later on the holy christnuckels shitstorm of my life….

BabyBound movie/life review.

Mark and I went to see Marley and Me this weekend.  I know its getting very mixed reviews and all, but I can’t help it.  I rather enjoyed watching my life on screen.  O?  You think I’m somehow projecting myself into a theatrical interpretation of someone else’s life like some sort of freak?  O fine.  Now I’m a freak!?!?

Let me just list off a few comparisons for you.  Sit down.  This is going to blow your mind.  (O but if you haven’t seen the movie or read the book STOP READING RIGHT HERE AND GO TO THE END OF THE NUMBERS)

1. Marley ate the wall.  Sandy ate the wall, the floor board and threshold.
2. Marley was “discounted”.  Sandy was also discounted – we were told it was because she was so “precious”.
3. Marley ate Jenny’s necklace.  Sandy ate my diamond earring and Mark’s wedding band.
4. Marley ate an answering machine and phone.  Sandy has eaten several remote controls, rocks, glass, medication and pennies – all of which seemed to have no effect on her.
5. Marley failed out of obedience school.  Sandy also failed out of obedience school.
6. Marley will jump into any body of water that he may be within 1/2 mile from.  Sandy once dug her own muddy body of water at the dog park just so she could play in what she thought was close enough to water.  None of the other dogs joined her of course because they were all sophisticated dog snobs with no sense of how much fun dark black mud is to get off a white dog.
7. Jenny has a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  Not only does she have it at the same time as I did, she finds out the same way (at a routine US) and has a D&C as I did.
8. When she gets home, Marley calmly puts his head on her lap while she sobs.  When I got home, Sandy layed down with me on the couch and didn’t leave my side for more than 5 hours while I lost my mind.
9. John and Jenny are both in the same field.  Mark and I are both in the same field.
10. Marley’s vet was on a first name basis with the family as she spent what was obviously a significant amount of time with them.  Sandy’s vet actually handed us a pamphlet on pet insurance when she was 1 and said “you guys should really look into this”.
11. John and Jenny spent an estimated $37,580 replacing furniture, mailman uniforms, housewares, sweaters, plants, drywall, doors, and an entire restaurant’s table setup.  Mark and Kathy have rounded the $14,000 corner on sweaters, walls, electronics, towels, socks, metal detectors, couches, shoes, computer parts, jewelry, vet xrays, and replacing other people’s stuff.
12. And last.  Everyone loves Marley even though he’s the worst dog in the world.  Sandy is also loved, and may be giving Marley a run for his money.

I know what you’re thinking.  Kathy, you don’t have 3 children dum dum.  You haven’t ever had sex in Ireland.  Well, yes but embellishments are what keep Hollywood writers employed.  See?  Its my life.  I feel like I should have been consulted for this.  Perhaps a simple dedication at the end?  At least they made me look like Jennifer Aniston.  Thanks guys.

R.I.P. Baby. You will be missed

Baby died today.  Well actually, a more accurate description would be that baby dissolved.

Sandy has had baby since the day we brought her home.  (actually, she lost the first one a year ago and we secretly replaced baby with Sanka and she never knew the difference)

Baby is the most important thing in Sandy’s life next to food, sleeping and rocks.  She carries baby everywhere she goes and suckles her arms to put herself to sleep.  Is actually pretty adorable to watch her bark her tough girl bark whilst dangling baby from her jaw.  Yeah sure Sandy.  You’re terrifying.

What started as a small hole in baby’s nether region (no really, it was totally in her crotch) ended up becoming a disgusting wet tunnel that just melted away over 3 days.

Once the hole reached an impressive 10 centimeters, baby was ready to give birth.  And giving birth is what she did.  To about 8 trillion pounds of cotton and one small squeaker.

Its so sad to look at this whole scene.  Baby looks like a skinned trophy from some sort of hunting excursion and Sandy is really sad.  She keeps trying to suckle baby but can’t get the spit to appendage just right.  Its making her crazy.  But I know what you’re thinking.  Didn’t Sandy do this to herself?  Well yes.  She did.  But Sandy is a dum dum remember?

I know what needs to be done.  A simple switcharoo before this gets too out of hand.  Its just so pathetic that something as silly as a little plush dog toy could literally rule our household.

Off to the store I go….

A Presidential Puppy Proposition

Dear Mr. Obama,

So I hear you’re lookin for a puppy for the Whitehouse aye?  I got yer puppy right here:

Look at those guilty eyes.  Look at that “aww Mom!  But your bra tastes good!” expression.  Who wouldn’t love a mug like that?

OK OK.  I know what you’re thinkin.  “Is the Whitehouse too big?  Will I ever be able to catch her to remove rocks from her mouth?”  Listen.  I’m here to help you, O.  With some brief training in the 2 person you-run-that-way-and-I’ll-trap-her-under-the-table maneuver, you’ll be fine.    And incidentally, those rocks really do make fantastic wall art.  She sure has a gift for composition.

So anyway, O, no need to thank me.  I’m glad to help.  I mean after all, it seems like the least I can do.  You just let me know when you’ve hidden all the remote controls, put all shoes behind closed doors, removed any food from the counter tops – of every room – and secured all area rugs to the floor.  Oh oops.  Did I not mention the rugs earlier?

My bad.

Your loving dog giver supporter,

BabyBound

Happy Birthday Sandypants….now calm the fuck down already.  You’re 3.